I leave you alone with KSK for three days and Uproxx takes it away???

I’ve been on vacation in Mexico for the last week. And I am sure you care as much about my vacation as I do about your fantasy football team, so I’ll keep it brief: we went to Tulum, drank a lot of pina coladas and other things, swam in seaweed-infested Caribbean waters, saw Mayan ruins, and snorkeled through underground caverns full of limestone formations and bats. I’m happy to be home, but…

Coming back from vacation and finding that KSK has shut down is like finding out that your favorite local bar closed over a long weekend while you were blackout drunk at your college roommate’s wedding. Lots of more capable folks have sung better dirges for KSK than I can do, so I’ll just keep it brief and say that I’m going to miss it a lot (A LOT), and I’m really glad to see so many folks from the kommunity have found their way over here.

Which brings me to my next point: WELCOME! I’m glad you’re here. Before I get to anything else, I want to make sure it’s known that we all owe a huge debt of gratitude to Darkest Timeline Zach Morris for getting this whole thing started – he’s responsible for opening up the original wordpress site, migrating everything over here to our new home, and has been working tirelessly both in front of and behind the scenes to make everything work. It’s what he does for a living (and he’s been doing it here for free) so if you’ve got something you can actually pay him to do, you should reach out.

Next: We’d like to move some of the sausage-making discussions (post ideas, scheduling, etc.) into a Google Group (basically an email list) rather than just do it out in the open. You can sign up here: [email protected].  If you plan on contributing content, please sign up – it will be the easiest way for us all to communicate with each other. If you don’t plan on contributing, you probably shouldn’t bother – it’s not going to be sexy stuff; just a lot of “how do we stop people from stepping on each other’s posts?” and “how do we ban Horatio without hurting his sissy little feelings?”

I don’t have a puzzle ready this week – there’s a reason it’s called “occasional” puzzle and not “weekly” puzzle – but I wanted to acquaint all the new readers with a brief recap of what’s happened in Puzzleopolis before they arrived. Like many of the writers around here, I’m still finding my voice, but it’s my intention to thread a larger narrative through these puzzles. And if that seems a bit snooty and you are feeling compelled to ask “hey, how’s it smell so far up inside your own ass, there, Rikki-Tikki-Deadly?”, the answer is FINE THANK YOU VERY MUCH I DIDN’T SPEND ALL THAT MONEY ON HOME ENEMAS JUST BECAUSE I LIKED THE WAY THE WARM SOAPY WATER FEELS IN MY RECTUM.

First off, our old friend 5Chan was doing some hacking and tried to broadcast some she-male porn to an airplane’s in-flight entertainment system…

Prelude to the Alex ‘n’ Andy Show

But accidentally caused a plane crash instead. Which left Andy Reid and Alex Smith stranded in the Sierra Nevadas.

The Alex ‘n’ Andy Show

5Chan engaged in a massive hacking spree to cover his tracks and went on the lam. Jake Locker, who has retired from football and is now working as a private investigator in Nashville, picked up the case.

Where in the World is Carmen 5Chan Diego – Part 1

Jake’s memory isn’t quite what it used to be, but he’s getting some drugs from an ethically-challenged doctor that enhance his cognitive abilities…

Where in the World is Carmen 5Chan Diego – Part 2

Which enabled him to narrow the search down to a single city.

Where in the World is Carmen 5Chan Diego – Part 3

Meanwhile, Mark Sanchez and Bill Belichick have put aside their old rivalry and are working as each others’ wingmen in a (retconned) Florida bar.

Trivia Night at the Silver Fox

So what comes next?  Will Jake be able to bring 5Chan to justice? Will Alex ‘n’ Andy ever make it out of the mountains alive? Will Sanchez and Belichick score without needing Darren Sharper’s help? Stay tuned, as next week we’ll be meeting Jake’s mysterious doctor and he provides his services to a player who needs a helping…hand.