Welcome friends and fellow gleeful shut-ins (A world where staying at home all week is not only acceptable but encouraged is something I’ve dreamed of all my adult life) to the second round of the Theoretical Women’s World Curling Championships! Held this year in the filthy, stench-filled sewer lovely and totally normal part of the brain that sends confusing and uncontrollable sensations to our nether regions.

(file photo disgusting)

There were some tight contests last week and a couple of boat races but that is to be expected in the first round of such an exercise. I was sad to see team Germany and the lovely Daniela lose but they had a tough draw against Russia, a very strong hot lady curler nation. Same for the U.S. who dropped a close one to the fine broom-wielding ladies of Italy.

No more tears in my beer for them, though. We must continue on to the second round!

First up we’ve got the Hasselborg rink from Sweden. The #1 ranked team in the world, they’ve got a top notch lineup all the way from skip to lead. They’re sporting a 53-9 record and have a sparkling 0.66 force efficiency. You won’t have to force anything with me, ladies. But if you wouldn’t mind forcing some things I will pay extra.

They recently won their record-tying third straight Grand Slam of Curling title at the Canadian Open, tying Rachel Homan (CAN) and her rink. Oh and there’s a picture of them in dresses! Watch out, team Italy, even with those splendid glasses.

They’ll be up against the Italians and skip Veronica Zappone, who in addition to having a great name also has a really good-looking team. She’s second from right below but whoever is in the middle is just a treat to look at. I’m sure she’s a swell gal, too. Please answer my letters.

Team Italy has a 24-17 record and a solid 0.37 steal efficiency to go along with their 8.42 / 6.38 points for/against. And, my goodness, don’t they just look fun?

Sorry, there are no polls available at the moment.

Now we’ve got the #2 Canadians, skipped by Kerri Einarson. They just won the Scotties Canadian Championships and their third, Shannon Birchard, is my favourite curler of the year. And my oh my, she has a great nose.

The team has a 52-19 record and 0.42 hammer efficiency but… to hell with team stats, my hammer is way more efficient when I see Shannon Birchard in a state of partial undress:

And they’ll be taking on #17 Gim from South Korea.

They’ve got a 61-24 record and a nice 0.60 force efficiency. They’ve scored 8.74 per game vs. 5.89 per game against and here they are with their Canadian coach, who needs to quit thinking those dirty, dirty thoughts.

Sorry, there are no polls available at the moment.

Here we have the #4 Fujisawa rink from Japan. They have a 61-26 record and 7.93 points per game versus 6.28 given up. I haven’t seen this team play other than in international tournaments and they’ll be put to the test here. And hey, a Japanese coach even!

They are taking on the #12 Russians, skipped by Alina Kovaleva. They’re 57-20 and have a 7.62 / 5.74 PF/PA. Not only that their steal defence is sitting at 0.17.

They’ve got a little firecracker of a second in Galina Arsenkina, who seemed to turn the tide for them over team Germany in the last round. Here she is, let’s see if she can make some more magic. She’s like a Russian Kristen Bell or something.

Sorry, there are no polls available at the moment.

And finally we have two winners from last week in #6 Stern from Switzerland taking on #9 Muirhead from Scotland. No, it’s not the kind of “taking on” we’d all like to witness. And since we’ve seen them before and I’m very late to finish this, I will get on with it post-haste.

#6 Team Stern is from Switzerland and is the sixth-ranked team in the world. Elena Stern is the skip but throws third stones.

They come into the match with a 50-29 record, scoring 7.66 points per game and giving up 6.52. They sport a Hammer Efficiency of 0.40 and a Steal Defence of 0.18. My all-star vote goes to Stern. Just look at that smile. You only fall for that once or more.