Eventual Balls Thoughts VII

I hope you are all following the “Safer At Home” or “Stay at Home” orders. It’s critical that we stop the spread of the disease before it kills people we love. It’s not a matter of just staying at home though. Please don’t take any unnecessary chances or put yourselves in situations where you might get hurt and end up in the hospital. Drive extra carefully if you’re on the roads. The last thing you want to do is end up in the hospital at a time like now.

Ok, enough with the seriousness. This site is based on dirty dirty dark jokes and boy have you guys delivered!

Many things happened at DFO last week. Let’s talk about them.

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DFO Banner Tournament!

The tourney is now complete with the final having taken place on Saturday.

Here is your 2019 Banner Comment Of The Year!

• “In honor of Veteran’s Day I’ve taken a shot of Bulleit and neglected to adequately provide mental health services to myself.” (73%)

I said previously that if the Jerry Rice/Terri Schiavo comment didn’t make it to the final, I would break things. There’s a gummy bear that’s not too happy right about now. That’s on you!

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BC Dick’s Curling Updates

Our awesome Master Curler has come up with a wonderful idea to keep us in Hot Curling Content until the league comes back. He’s taken a page from Senor Weaselo and come up with a wonderful Women’s Curling Championship Poll. Here are your winners from Week One:

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Psych Marathon Update

I have finished Season 5 and am now on Season 6. One of the things I’ve noticed is that around this time they started doing “theme” or “tribute” episodes. These have been great!

I specially loved the Twin Peaks episode. Not only did they get original Twin Peaks cast members, but the way the story was developed and the multiple references made it one of my favourite episodes ever!

Fans of The Shining may also like the episode they did where Lassie moves into a new condo and things start going haywire.

It is also fun to see Shawn and Jules as a Couple. The episode where they go away for the weekend only to get robbed by Jason Priestley and his hot hot wife (Jennifer Finnigan) was excellent!

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The Week in DFO

These are the things I read in DFO this week that reminded me how much I love this site:

Let’s start things off with a reminder to wash thoroughly:

and to work out to stay healthy:

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Ladies and Gentlemen, your friends at Redshirt Industries, who brought you such products as “Debate Time Limit Shock Collars” and “Chasity Belts with Pneumatic Clamp Locks: The Ultimate Defense from Unwanted Sexual Contact”, is proud to present the “Six Foot Long Cattle Prod”. The next time someone invades your six foot radius or walks down the middle of the aisle, you have a reminder to keep their distance from you. This new product comes in several voltages ranging from “AAA-Battery” to “Electro”.
Redshirt Industries: Inane Solution for Insane Times

Redshirt

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The creepy part of the internet is going to be hugely disappointed when they find out that Scarlett Johansson crying and saying “I don’t want to swallow” has to do with eating hot wings.

Horatio

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So I had my old US Navy ship’s ballcap on today when I went by the grocery, Young HEB employee tells me “thank you for your service” and I said “Dude, your service here at the grocery store these last couple weeks is much more meaningful than any of my sailing around the Pacific and Indian Oceans getting drunk and banging hookers 35 years ago.” I think he got a laugh out of that.

Viva La Tabula Raza

Wait, are you my husband?

Gumbygirl

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My daughter’s college has closed, probably for the semester and she’s announced that she’s going to take up catfishing while she can’t leave the house anyway.
I’m doing great as a parent.

Horatio

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/ found a funny (originally is quasi-Rasist (employee is a Chinese Man with typical language jokes) – cleaned up)
An employee calls into work and says, “I can’t work today. I’m really sick. I got a headache, stomach ache and legs hurt. I can’t work.”
The boss says, “You know something, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and ask her for sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.”
Two hours later, the employee calls again: “I did what you said and I feel great. You have a nice house. I’ll be at work soon. “

Redshirt

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Terry Schiavo’s fighting harder to stay in this contest than she did to stay on this planet after they pulled the plug.

Horatio

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Moar gently used fleshlites for the mantle!!!

Litre_cola

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Found a funny:
RESEARCHER: In front of you is one marshmallow. But if you can wait 15 minutes, I’ll give you–
TRUMP: (eats marshmallow and researcher)

rockindog

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I feel bad for the 2020 Olympians who can’t compete because of a Dick Pound decision. It’s Eugene Robinson all over again.

SonOfSpam

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Just made fresh pasta for the first time.
I’m not just eating and drinking myself to death, I’m LEARNING NEW SKILLS DAMNIT!

Dunstan

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HE WAS A DOG THAT WAS PUT IN CHARGE OF THANKSGIVING DINNER! GIVE HIM SOME GOTDAMN SLACK!

scotchnaut

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Dogs have no idea about ‘internal temperature’! and ‘resting period’. Julia Child covered this in her book, “DOGS DON’T KNOW SHIT ABOUT COOKING, GODDAMMIT!”.

scotchnaut

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Like I’m ever going to bet against Russia when it comes to a battle against Germany in the winter.

Horatio

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“I did not finish the bag.”
Peyton M., interrupted in the Rocky Top training facility

Downfield Matriculator

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I was surprised that the Chick Boy brand was not from Thailand.

ArmedandHammered

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Truth:
If you are staying home to save lives you ARE being productive.

rockindog

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I’m going to invoke the Alheimer’s rule here,
meaning that I’ve probably said this before but.
If you’re watching the OJ Made in America thing, well I met OJ.
My old girlfriend, the crazy redhead and I were in Jamaica getting crazy, mon and who should we see walking across the open common but OJ Simpson. He was golfing in Jamaica while looking for the real killers.
I had to say something as he walked up to the bar so I said, “Hey OJ! I used to watch you run for USC and the Buffalo Bills. We live in San Pedro”
I’ve been drinking you see.
OJ says “I know San Pedro well.” We shake hands, he shakes hands with the crazy redhead.
I buy him a drink and we talk about life and I tell him “yeah, you were the shit at SC and then you were in the movies and then…”
This was in 2003-ish?
He says “Yeah I know I know.”
Very personable guy. Fun to have a drink with.
We’re walking away and the crazy redhead says “I can’t believe I shook hands with a murderer!”
I asked her to speak more quietly in the presence of a murderer.
That’s my OJ story.

Yeah Right

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The rest of my family is on Day 2 of the Great Grounding. Everyone is so cheerful and happy.
I’m mentally preparing myself for the day I return from work to a blood-covered house and corpses everywhere. it’s the end of times.

Redshirt

If you come home to that you are at Scotchy’s shed in Northern Ontario and I would suggest making your way back to Ohio in a hurry.

Litre_cola

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Found a funny:
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]

rockindog

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Thank you to everyone one for providing quality gifs to keep us entertained as we are quarantined in our homes. You may now resume working from home:

Please stay home and avoid other people. King Hippo approves this message. See you next week!