Mission: To consume this entire bottle of wine.

What the Fuck Is it? This is a bottle of 2013 Pinot Grigio named Lumina from a vineyard called Ruffino. It’s an Italian wine that “reveals delicious notes of pears and citrus fruit and delivers a fragrant, fruity finish”.

How Hard was it to Type that last sentence as a white male heterosexual? Hoo-boy.

Back story Mr Fragrant Fruity Finish! For health and longevity reasons, I decided a few months ago to not come home from work and power slam as many beers and shots of delicious bourbon on a daily basis. Both to control weight and to try not to damage as many remaining brain cells as possible. I thought I would give wine a try. It’s been enlightening. I have found a few wines that are now considered house wines. Clos Du Bois Shiraz and I’m a little partial to Davinci Pinot.

Real question: How many glasses should be in a standard bottle of wine? Because my answer is about three.

Here we go kids! 

Glass 1: First thing I notice is that the bottle is a goddamn SCREW CAP? The shit is this? From Italy?

Is there a taste/quality/prestige difference between a screw top and a cork top?: Fuck if I know. Screw tops are easier but they make me feel cheap. Like I ate at Wendy’s before sleeping with some strange girl in Gallup New Mexico at a Holiday Inn Express right next to the railroad tracks kind of cheap. It’s kind of tasty. Clean, light a little metallic. IT’s THE SCREWTOP! I knew IT! Buzz factor is 12% Nice even keel. I’m gonna vape some too. I’ll get to the vape post later. We can group think it. Alright so far. Nothing Earth shattering but I don’t hate myself.

Glass 2: The bottle label looks like some kind of Druid/Celtic/Wiccan hybrid. I don’t know whether to worship a goat, listen to The Pogues or paint my toe nails with walnut oil. It’s pretty much the same taste. Easy, Inoffensive and just starting to get a little boozy. My tongue is getting sticky and my face is warm. I feel a little bit fuzzy and I think I need a haircut.

I’m going to finish this without editing or spell check Lord help us all.

Glass 3: I’m feeling like I need to play a Frankie Goes to Hollywood song and I’m not sure why. The wine is good. Much bnetter than that barefoot shit. I bioght the Barefoort because it cost like 6 bucks a bottle at RALPH’s. ANd their shit is expensive. But Barefoot sucks and you have o reason to buy it ever. I wouldn’t marinate chicken livers in that. I bet the Chicago police department used Barefoot wine to Preserve Al Capone’s penis. Some say it’s got a fragrant finish. I could drink another glass but this cheap ass bottle only has 3 in it.

Feeling? Ethereal.

Verdict? It’s alright! I’ll give it a 3.4 out of a 5. I could drink it again but I still prefer the red wines.

What you gonna do now? Think I’m going to drink a beer and a shot and go to bed.

Until next time!