Agent Dale Cooper (to handheld recorder): Diane, I have just recently arrived on the north bank of the Ohio River. I have been on the periphery of the scene but, after speaking to coroner for any initial indications that this may be another strike by our man, I am confident that the FBI must assume control over this investigation for the time being. I shall liaison with local police officials and ascertain additional information on the matter prior to filing any reports, less any leaks within our own organization provide the media with details on this tragedy.

Chief Eliot Isaac: You must be the spook that the home office warned me about.

Cooper: I assure you that any warnings are unnecessary. Special Agent Dale Cooper. I’m here to assist with investigation of the means of death for this young lady. Now, while I’m sure your office would love to watch us battle over jurisdiction right in front of them, I was hoping we could further our introductions over a cup of coffee and, perhaps, a slice of pie.

Isaac: Spook, this is a chili town. But I’m pleased to discuss further over some java and goetta. [Calls down to officers on the bank] Kaur! Run this standard. I’m stepping away for a bit with Cooper here!

Officer Kaur: Roger that, Chief!

Cooper: Strong positive response from your men, sir.

Isaac: Get in the car, spook.

Isaac: So you want to tell me what this is all about?

Cooper: It’s 7:45am, a common breakfast hour. I felt that, as we feel better by disrupting our hunger, that we’ll feel better about the content of our conversation. It’s an association thing. For example, I already associate this wonderful coffee with you.

Isaac: Because I’m black?

Cooper: No. Because this coffee, while clearly the glue that holds together this community, is also just finding out about the death of one Lin Sue, an aspiring rookie uh….[flips through notepad]… Ben Gal cheerleader.

Isaac: Oh no. She’s a part of the franchise?

Cooper: Well, formally, I don’t know. What I do know is that she made it through the final auditions yesterday afternoon and was found on the bank of the Ohio by a keen-eyed morning jogger at 5 o’clock this morning. I’m sure she never collected a paycheck from the team but, still, I will need to question their payroll department.

Isaac: So the FBI is called in for NFL business now?

Cooper: Absolutely not. My decision to gain involvement with this case stems only from the preliminary information gathered at the scene. As I was the nearest agent familiar with the potentially-linked investigation, I’ve traveled here to join your force in this investigation. I find it a positive sign that you are familiar with the pull of the local sports franchises though.

Isaac: How could I not? Mike Brown has bullied this city into every handout from free stadiums to free parking. He promised us on-field success but, look around, the Bengals are a joke. And, as a law enforcement official, I can’t say I’m too pleased about the types of men he brings into this city. He profits off these punks for three-hours a week. Me and my men have to deal with these ingrates the rest of their waking hours.

Cooper: You sound bitter. Pie?

Isaac: Hard pass. And, yeah I’m bitter. Lots of us are. We’re tired of the constant issues that come from hosting the Cincinnati Bengals. Now I have to investigate the death of whatever young lady made the mistake of dancing around Paul Brown in front of those cretins.

Cooper: So you think it’s someone within the team?

Isaac: As an officer, I’m going to investigate this case with an open mind. As a fan, I’m telling you that the hands of this killer have a close tie to the NFL. Does your other case have something to do with the NFL?

Cooper: Now that, Chief, I cannot say. But I will tell you that I am firmly convinced that we need to get to Paul Brown stadium immediately to collect evidence. Each passing moment risk the annihilation of an epoch.

Isaac: I think it would be prudent for us to give the organization a heads up. They’re no stranger to bad press but they typically create the negative news. I’ll just a make single call to Mike Brown, the owner. We’ll keep it quiet and I’m confident their organization will handle this appropriately.

Cooper: On the condition that you remind him to preserve any evidence then. I must now hit the loo and will meet you in the car.

Cooper: Nice whip.

Isaac: Pool Vehicle. Feels like we do more with less every year. [Peeks over at Cooper] You sure scribble a lot in that notebook. It given you any suspects yet?

Cooper: Well, have you seen this roster?