Agent Dale Cooper (to handheld recorder): Diane, we have arrived at the Bengals facility, Paul Brown Stadium, which to me sounds like the name of the place where the cross-state Cleveland Browns would play, where the general employees are beginning to fill the parking lot. Per the league calendar, most of the veterans are still out of town but, with rookie mini-camp having concluded, I’d think more than a few returning players have been hanging around, no doubt looking for ways the new draft class could be of a threat to these mens lucrative careers. While I fully expect news of a dead Ben Gals cheerleader to have already trickled through the halls of this community, I intend to play this out with a matter of subtly. There is no need for any of these suspects — and, Diane, at this time everyone is a suspect — to know that I am here for investigatory matters.

Chief Eliot Isaac: I got us access through here. Mr Brown is on his way in so we’ll meet him in his office as soon as he arrive. Now listen close, spook, I understand you are here only regarding the investigation of that lifeless young lady we found down by the Clay Wade Bailey. Any other misdeeds, improprieties, or felonies that you come across while investigating that singular atrocity — well….I expect you will not be pursuing anything there. Am I clear?

Cooper: You’re understanding is correct and, as far as any other matter of local importance, Chief, I will defer to you. Now then, who is this young man hustling towards us?

AJ McCarron: Good morning, Chief Isaac, and welcome to The Jungle. Up to anything good today? I just got in from a couple laps on the practice field. Gonna see if I can offer any help to John and Josh with their routes. You know I think that, the more time we Bengals can spend on the field, the less trouble we can get into off of it, you jive?

Cooper: Did you say Bengals or Ben Gals?

Isaac (interrupting): Nothing special here today. Just a routine visit to discuss security for camp. So how about you run along then, Number Two?

McCarron (glaring at Isaac): Oh sure thing, Chief. But, you know, call me Number Two while you can because, soon enough, everyone will know my name.

Cooper: Hey isn’t your girl Katharine Webb?

McCarron (rubbing his stomach):  Yeah, so long as she keeps getting deals on women’s underwear.

A commotion is heard in an adjacent hallway. As Cooper and Isaac turn their attention towards the noise, McCarron slips into the elevator and exits. Isaac draws his sidearm as Cooper leads him to the source of the noise behind a sign that reads, “Home Team Locker Room”.

Vontaze Burfict:  AND CLEAN THEM ON SCHEDULE FROM NOW ON!

Burfict looks up from a cowering Bengals staff member — surely the receiver of this verbal lashing — and gives Isaac a look of familiarity.

Isaac: Clean what, Vontaze?

Burfict: Clean nothin’, Chief. Who’s the whiteboy, your boss?

Isaac: Nothing you need to worry about. Why you even here, Burfict? Veterans aren’t required to be here today and, after the way you showed up to camp all fat as shit last year, I’d hope you’d be focusing on your offseason conditioning right here; not yelling at some equipment guy.

Burfict: Ain’t you gotta worry about my conditioning. You just worry about little ol’ ladies bringing plastic bags into the stadium.

Isaac: You start being eligible for more than 11 games a season and maybe I’ll stop worrying about you. But for right now, just do us all a favor and keep down the yelling.

Burfict stares down Isaac and he and Cooper walk past the still-cowering equipment employee. Only once they’ve exited to an adjacent empty hallway does Isaac holster his firearm.

Cooper: Interesting beat.

Isaac: They’re garbage, man. These players only care about holding on to their positions, not getting any better. Vontaze is the perfect example. Guy has two good seasons, two terrible seasons, and then a forgettable season. But he honestly considers himself a leader on this team. Screaming at a janitor about keeping to his cleaning schedule? That’s Burfict’s idea of leadership. You look around at this Bengals culture and that’s the problem – complacency.

Isaac brushes by the secretary seated in front of Mike Brown’s office and escorts Cooper into the empty space.

Cooper: Vontaze there didn’t seem complacent. What was that about?

McCarron: Showers.

Isaac: How’d you get in here, Number Two? You got business in the owner’s office?

McCarron (holds up a folded piece of parchment): There are many secrets in Paul Brown stadium that I am only beginning to uncover in my second year. But, as you seem more interested in hurling insults than investigating the death of Mr Brown’s favorite new Ben Gal, I shall bid you adieu.

Cooper: How do you know about Lin Sue?

McCarron (forming a wide smile): Maybe you just told me.

McCarron taps his finger once on the parchment…

Mischief managed.

…and exits the office.

Cooper: How the hell? What is this place?

Isaac: Just hold tight. You’ll understand better once we’re done with The Great Redeemer.