Latest posts by theeWeeBabySeamus (see all)
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- Your “Extremely Abbreviated” Friday Evening Open Thread – September 6, 2019
[8:41am, Interior Recording Studio, Miami]
The cleaning lady is puttering around, acting like she’s cleaning, as the producer thumbs thru his notes for the day’s schedule.
Producer: Hey Consuela!!! Remember a few months back when Richie Incognito showed up unexpectedly? That was fun….right?
Producer: Right???? Well, I’m just glad nothing like that has happened again because….
[Door Flies Open]
Producer: Oh Goddammit!!!!!
Ray Lewis: Hey there, thanks for having me on the show today.
The Producer says nothing.
Ray Lewis: Are you OK, Man?
The Producer says nothing.
Ray Lewis: OK, I see that you’re a little taken aback. My buddy Rich Incognito told me….
Producer: Oh dear lord…
Ray Lewis: Right? So you know him? Yeah, that white boy had some problems, huh? Fortunately, I recently helped him put that stuff behind him and….
Producer: Ray? May I call you “Ray”?
Ray Lewis: No. You may not.
Producer: Fine. Mr. Lewis, then…. How did you get in here? We had the locks changed and a new security system installed after Richie….errrrrr, I mean Mr. Incognito was here.
Ray Lewis reaches into his pocket and produces a multi-tool…
Ray Lewis: Haha, security system. Piece o’ cake.
Producer: Does that have…knife blades on it?
Ray Lewis: Yes. Several.
Producer (suddenly more cooperative): OK, so what can we do for you Mr. Lewis?
Ray Lewis: I need to get the word out. Richie said you could help me.
Producer: What “word”?
Ray Lewis: Well it’s like I told Richie….
Fifteen minutes later, Ray Lewis is mic’d up and speaking to Miami.
Ray Lewis: What is up Miami???? This is Ray Lewis, Miami Hurricane Alum Extraordinaire here to bring you the good word. Remember back when I was up on murder charges? It would have been easy to get down on life then. But you know what I did? I rose above it. And with the right jury and the right payoffs….
Ray Lewis: Right, right. Sorry. Look folks….life is always going to throw you obstacles. Maybe your kid failed second grade and now you feel like a failure as a parent. Maybe you didn’t get that big promotion. Maybe you stabbed some people a buncha times. It doesn’t matter what the obstacle is. You just have to have faith and carry on and believe that you can put it behind you and move on and be the better for it. I mean look at me. I moved on from my obstacles and ended up with 2 Super Bowl rings and a shitload of cash. Plus now I work for ESPN.
Producer: No you don’t.
Ray Lewis: Oh that’s right. FoxSportsOne now. I don’t even get that channel. Shit.
Producer: So fine Ray. So what’s our theme then? How to stab people and get away with it?
Ray Lewis (menacingly): Do you want that to be our theme?
Ray Lewis: Then shut up. Our theme today is… overcoming adversity and Putting It All Behind You.
Producer: Oh that’s nice, actually. I like th….
Ray Lewis: Stop talking or else I’ll get Ed Reed out of my trunk and bring him up.
Ray Lewis: That’s better. I’ll get us started….