Latest posts by Rikki-Tikki-Deadly (see all)
- Request Line: Do Your Job – August 17, 2018
- DFO Radio: Ain’t No Party Like A Boat Party Because A Boat Party Floats On – August 14, 2018
- The NFL Solves the Anthem “Problem” – August 8, 2018
INT. PRIVATE KARAOKE ROOM – NIGHT
A pair of radio professionals are sipping beers in a box karaoke room. A disco ball spins above and flashing lights abound, but the scene is otherwise quite relaxed.
PRODUCER: So this is it. The last day of your internship.
CONNOR, THE INTERN: Yup.
PRODUCER: You know, I thought it was a really great summer. I hope you feel like you learned some of the ins and outs of the radio business.
CONNOR: I’m sure I picked up a thing or two.
PRODUCER: Are you thinking about going into radio as a career?
CONNOR: I am. Only…don’t take this the wrong way…I’ll be going into talk radio. My dad promised me a job working with Jimmy and the Animal once I graduate.
PRODUCER: [raises eyebrows] You sure? You know you’re basically gonna be mixing up Irish coffees the whole time, right?
CONNOR: Oh, I know. But sooner or later Jimmy’s little problem is gonna catch up to him, and then…[breaks into radio announcer voice that sounds very much like Colin Cowherd]…Six games? I mean come on! Aside from all the photos of bruising, there’s not even any hard evidence that Ezekiel Elliott even did anything. And it’s already been proven that the so-called [air quotes] “victim” is a liar and a drunk. You know, Animal, there’s just a lot of women out there, they see these guys start making a little money, and they try to take advantage of them. And that’s all we have here. If you take away all those other incidents like the time Zeke was defending himself from that drunk, he’s actually shown some pretty fine character for a bl…ossoming young man from what I assume is a rough part of town. I really think the league overstepped here.
PRODUCER: Hey, not bad.
CONNOR: [looks around the room dubiously] So this is my big sendoff, huh?
PRODUCER: Well, you should have been more specific other than saying you were “up for whatever”. But I asked a few folks to come by and say farewell. [checks watch] In fact…
— [door flies open]—
MIKE SHANAHAN: WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT? I THOUGHT THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A PARTY! [looks up] AND WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? IS THAT A GODDAMNED DISCO BALL? DID I GET SENT BACK IN TIME TO THE LAMEST PARTY OF 1977? WHAT ARE WE DRINKIN’, FRESCA?
PRODUCER: Mike, Mike, glad you could make it. We’re just getting started here – we weren’t expecting folks to show up for another few minutes.
MIKE SHANAHAN: LISTEN HERE SHITMOUTH IN A MIKE SHANAHAN OUTFIT IF YOU’RE NOT EARLY YOU’RE LATE. AND…well, I guess you guys are on time. BUT GIMME THE PLAYBOOK AND LET ME SEE WHAT YOU GUYS GOT HERE…[begins flipping through karaoke song choices]…shit…shit…garbage…garbage…
CONNOR: Ooh is Blake Bortles gonna come by? I hear he really knows how to party.
PRODUCER: No, but…
MIKE SHANAHAN: AHA FOUND ONE! I’M GONNA MAKE THIS A DEDICATION HERE TO MY OLD LINE COACH ALEX GIBBS FROM BACK IN OUR DENVER DAYS. THIS ONE’S FOR YOU, GIBBSY, YOU OLD FUCKSTICK!
PRODUCER: Hey, not bad, Coach. Did…
— [door flies open]—
BEN ROETHLISBERGER: THE BEN HEAR ABOUT PARTY. THE BEN PUT ON FINEST SUIT.
PRODUCER: Ben! So glad you could make it!
BEN ROETHLISBERGER: THE BEN ALWAYS GETS UP FOR GAME TIME HARF HARF. WHERE IS PROMISED CHOCO TACO?
PRODUCER: We’ve got a cooler right…
BEN ROETHLISBERGER: [notices a waitress in a short skirt walking past the glass window] SAY WHERE IS BATHROOM IN THIS PLACE?
PRODUCER: [panicked] Uh, you know, I’m not sure they have one here. Hey, how about this? Instead of doing, um, something else, how about singing a song for us?
BEN ROETHLISBERGER: SURE THING THE BEN HAVE ONE IN MIND ALL WEEK. THE BEN TIRED OF EVERYONE SAYING BEN IS UGLY. EVERYTHING IS SUBJECTIVE. THIS IS NOT A BLACK AND WHITE WORLD. SOMETIMES NO MEANS YES AND TO SOME SMELL OF URINE IS MORE ROMANTIC THAN SMELL OF ROSES.
CONNOR: Wow! That was really good! You know, maybe I was being a bit cynical. I bet tonight is gonna be a lot of fun! Who else is coming?
PRODUCER: Who knows? It’ll be surprise after surprise! I guess we’ll have to wait and see…
Thanks to everyone who participated in Request Line this offseason. I’m not at all sad to see it come to a close, cause that means it’s finally time for some REAL FOOTBALL! Today’s theme in “NFL Karaoke”. Pick songs that you associate with certain players. To keep things from spiraling out of control*, we’re limiting requests to five songs per person. So make ’em count! Remember, in order to post videos so they will show up in comments, you don’t have to mess around with embed codes or anything, just post plain links as such: “https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G00d3LLsuCk5”. When you hit refresh it should show up as embedded and you can rock out at your leisure.
*spiraling out of control…spiraling out of control…[Christian Hackenberg pass appears]