I am speaking, of course, about the Bay Area. It’s that mass of land in the north of my beautiful state that is home to mostly disgusting hairy hippy hipster no-good wine-swilling cheese-eating holier-than-thou arrogant assholes. And most of them support this piece of shit team:
This here is your ALTERNATE 2017 San Francisco 49er season preview. In 25 Questions form. Let’s begin:
1- Do they really call San Francisco “The City”?
2- Don’t they realize that New York did it first and it’s really fucking annoying?
3- Like, do you really think you are the center of the whole fucking world?
4- What kind of arrogant asshole are you?
5- Have you ever met/dated a girl from the Bay Area?
6- Stuck up bitch, right?
7- Did you know that I was at a “pop-up restaurant” thing where chefs that don’t have a job cook dinner for people in hopes of getting a job and I met three girls that were kinda cute but something seemed off and sure enough they were from the Bay Area?
8- It seems obvious that this pop-up thing started in the Bay Area, doesn’t it?
9- Isn’t it nice that they kinda have a hatred for us in SoCal too?
10- Would you be surprised if I told you that they told me they hated LA and are only here for work and don’t think they’ll stay here?
11- Do you think it’s the competition to look good?
12- I mean, LA is not as bad as Miami, but isn’t a Bay Area 9 a LA 4?
13- Seriously, have you ever been down to Miami?
14- Is there a city ordinance that says you cannot spend time in South Beach if your body fat percentage is above 10?
15- Can we get that passed in San Francisco?
16- Except we’d probably have to increase it to 35%?
17- Not enough?
18- While we’re at it, can we also ban patchouli?
19- Have you heard of the saying, “The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco”?
20- Is that why the official NoCal uniform is a baggy sweatshirt, jeans, and birkenstocks?
21- Is it the weather that makes San Francisco sports fans so stabby?
22- Or is it the fact that their teams SUUUUUUUUUUCK and are nowhere close to getting good any time soon?
23- Do you realize the Raiders don’t count because they are going to make it rain in Vegas soon?
24- Isn’t it killing 49er fans that not only are the Raiders going to be good again for years to come and the 49ers will suck for years to come, but that the 49ers are going to have the whole Bay Area to themselves and will STILL not be able to sell out?
25- Sweet karmic justice, amirite?
Author’s Note: This post is dedicated to our own Dok Zymm, who will, unfortunately, be moving to the Bay Area soon. May God have mercy on her soul.