25 Questions About…


I am speaking, of course, about the Bay Area.  It’s that mass of land in the north of my beautiful state that is home to mostly disgusting hairy hippy hipster no-good wine-swilling cheese-eating holier-than-thou arrogant assholes.  And most of them support this piece of shit team:

This here is your ALTERNATE 2017 San Francisco 49er season preview.  In 25 Questions form.  Let’s begin:

1- Do they really call San Francisco “The City”?

2- Don’t they realize that New York did it first and it’s really fucking annoying?

3-  Like, do you really think you are the center of the whole fucking world?

4- What kind of arrogant asshole are you?

5- Have you ever met/dated a girl from the Bay Area?

6- Stuck up bitch, right?

7- Did you know that I was at a “pop-up restaurant” thing where chefs that don’t have a job cook dinner for people in hopes of getting a job and I met three girls that were kinda cute but something seemed off and sure enough they were from the Bay Area?

8- It seems obvious that this pop-up thing started in the Bay Area, doesn’t it?

9- Isn’t it nice that they kinda have a hatred for us in SoCal too?

10- Would you be surprised if I told you that they told me they hated LA and are only here for work and don’t think they’ll stay here?

11- Do you think it’s the competition to look good?

12-  I mean, LA is not as bad as Miami, but isn’t a Bay Area 9 a LA 4?

13- Seriously, have you ever been down to Miami?

14- Is there a city ordinance that says you cannot spend time in South Beach if your body fat percentage is above 10?

15- Can we get that passed in San Francisco?

16- Except we’d probably have to increase it to 35%?

17- Not enough?

18- While we’re at it, can we also ban patchouli?

19- Have you heard of the saying, “The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco”?

20- Is that why the official NoCal uniform is a baggy sweatshirt, jeans, and birkenstocks?

21- Is it the weather that makes San Francisco sports fans so stabby?

22- Or is it the fact that their teams SUUUUUUUUUUCK and are nowhere close to getting good any time soon?

23- Do you realize the Raiders don’t count because they are going to make it rain in Vegas soon?

24- Isn’t it killing 49er fans that not only are the Raiders going to be good again for years to come and the 49ers will suck for years to come, but that the 49ers are going to have the whole Bay Area to themselves and will STILL not be able to sell out?

25- Sweet karmic justice, amirite?


Author’s Note: This post is dedicated to our own Dok Zymm, who will,  unfortunately,  be moving to the Bay Area soon.  May God have mercy on her soul. 



International Member of the Geelong Cats and recovering Steelers fan. Likes Butts. And Balls. And Boobs. Pretty much anything that starts with the letter B. Preferably together.

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3) NY’ers are still furious with Copernicus over heliocentricity. Jersey-ites would be too if they knew what either of those words meant.


Never had patchouli


Patchouli should be banned globally

King Hippo


I actually like San Francisco, I just don’t interact with the locals.
San Diego also has an ingrained hatred of LA.
I think it’s a small dick thing.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

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Doktor Zymm

That sounds pretty good to me actually. All the stuff you’re complaining about here is worse in Chicago anyway 😛


2) Not only did New York do it first, but it actually has the word in its name.
We should just call San Fran, Francis from now on.

/ducks Ghiradelli bar.

Doktor Zymm

I’m gonna call it Frisco until I get shanked

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

I did that for 4 years and remained stab wound free! But you can see it in their eyes…

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Just wanna point out that if you didn’t stop to look at that map up there at the top closely, then you should.
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1. I never understood this, because all of the Golden State Warriors hats and shits say “The City” and they play in Oakland, not San Francisco. Also, going “up” to San Francisco is dumb. Downtown or get the fuck out.


I love some good NoCal hate.

“14- Is there a city ordinance that says you cannot spend time in South Beach if your body fat percentage is above 10?”

Related – I’ve never been to South Beach.