Request Line: Coffee is for Closers



Law-abiding Raiders fan, pet owner, Los Angeles resident.

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PATRICK MAHOMES stands in the office outside the studio, smoking a cigarette. DJ 3000 is near the wall, watching MAHOMES stalking back and forth. THE PRODUCER comes into the room, he folds up a newspaper and drops it on his desk, suggesting he’s just been using the toilet.

MAHOMES: Let me have your attention for a moment! Cause you’re talking about what? You’re talking about…[puts out his cigarette]…bitching about that blown lead in the fourth quarter, some son of a bitch in stripes don’t wanna throw a flag, somebody don’t think it’s fair that both teams didn’t see the ball in overtime, so forth. Let’s talk about something important. [leans over desk, punches intercom button] Are they all here?

RECEPTIONIST: [via intercom] All but Connor, the intern.

MAHOMES: Well I’m going anyway. Let’s talk about something important.

The PRODUCER steps to a Nespresso machine on a table against the wall and holds a mug underneath the spout.

MAHOMES: PUT THAT COFFEE DOWN. Coffee is for closers only.

DJ 3000 beeps derisively.

MAHOMES: You think I’m fucking with you? I am not fucking with you. I’m here from downtown. I’m here from Zack and Rikki. And I’m here on a mission of mercy. Your name’s DJ 3000?


MAHOMES: You call yourself a deejay, you son of a bitch?

PRODUCER: Um, Patrick, we appreciate the motivational tactics, but you don’t need to…

MAHOMES: I certainly don’t, pal, ’cause the good news is you’re fired. The bad news is you’ve got – all of you have got – just one show to regain your jobs, starting today. Starting with today’s show. Oh, have I got your attention now? Good. ‘Cause we’re adding a little something to this month’s Request Line contest. As you all know, pick of the week is an all-expenses paid trip to attend the NFL Draft in Nashville.


MAHOMES: [ignoring him] Anybody wanna see second prize? [holds up a box] Second prize is a new set of headphones. Third prize is you’re fired. [the PRODUCER and DJ 3000 glance at each other with confusion, because there are only two of them present and CONNOR actually works for the Jimmy and The Animal show] Do you get the picture? Are you laughing now? You got themes. Zack and Rikki expensed good money for those themes against the back end of some sucker’s royalties deal. Get the listeners’ requests for songs! You can’t fill out the themes you’re given, you can’t close shit, you are shit, hit the bricks, pal, and beat it ’cause you are going out!


MAHOMES: The themes are weak? Fuckin’ themes are weak? You’re weak. I’ve only been in the radio business 15 minutes and I could still…

PRODUCER: What’s your name?

MAHOMES: MOST. VALUABLE. PLAYER. That’s my name! You know why, mister? ‘Cause you drove a Hyundai to get here tonight, I drove down the field to tie the game with eight seconds left in the AFC Championship. That’s my name! [to DJ 3000] And your name is “you’re wanting”. And you can’t play in a human’s game. You can’t host. Because only one thing counts in this life! Get them to call in and request a song that fits the theme!

PATRICK MAHOMES flips over a blackboard which has a set of letters on it: ABC.

MAHOMES: A-B-C. A-Always, B-Broadcast, C-Closers. Always broadcast closers. Always broadcast closers! What does this mean? This means that you get your listeners to pick out their favorite songs that close out an album. That’s it. It’s that simple. In order to keep this from getting out of control, everyone gets to pick FIVE tracks, and that’s it. No more, no less. So let’s make them count. These listeners don’t make the call lest they want to hear a song. They’re sitting out there waiting to give you their requests. Are you gonna take them? Are you man enough to take them?

PRODUCER: Incredible. You’re such a hero, you’re so fantastic. How come you’re comin’ down here and wasting your time with such a bunch of bums?

MAHOMES: [smiles condescendingly.] You see this watch? [MAHOMES takes off his gold watch.] You see this watch?


MAHOMES: That watch cost more than your car. I made $555,000 last year. How much of a cap hit are you? You think this radio station is worried about how much dead cap you are gonna cost them when they cut you? I assure you, they are not. You see, pal, that’s who I am, and you’re nothing. Lunchpail guy? I don’t give a shit. Good teammate? Fuck you! Go home and play with your kids. [to everyone] You wanna work here? Get those songs! You think this is abuse? [to DJ 3000] You think this is abuse, you electricity vampire? You can’t take this, how can you take the abuse you get on the air?! You don’t like it, leave. I can go out there right, the materials you got, get eighty songs! In two hours! Can you? Can you? Go and do likewise!

PATRICK MAHOMES stomps out of the office. The PRODUCER shrugs, and looks at DJ 3000.

PRODUCER: Did you get everything you needed?


The PRODUCER punches a few buttons on the outside console, plugs a cable into DJ 3000, then heads into the booth and settles in behind the microphone. He silently counts off with his fingers, then starts talking.

PRODUCER: Hi everybody, I’m here with NFL Most Valuable Player Patrick Mahomes. Patrick, thank you so much for joining us. Do you have anything that you’d like to say to all of our listeners out there?

DJ 3000: [using clipped together segments of MAHOMES’ voice] I…am…a…weak…little…bitch…

PRODUCER: Wow, that’s quite an admission.  Anything else you want to get off your chest?

DJ 3000: [in MAHOMES’ voice] I…abuse…kids…

PRODUCER: You mean, like, sexually abuse?

DJ 3000: [in MAHOMES’ voice] That’s…right…

PRODUCER: Oh, my goodness, I should probably cut you off right there before you get yourself into legal hot water.  Folks, we’re opening up the phone lines, let us know what you’d like to hear for songs that are the final track on an album.  Remember, five requests per caller!  I’ll get us started with “Only in Dreams” off the first album by Weezer.



Law-abiding Raiders fan, pet owner, Los Angeles resident.
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Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

A little surprised this one didn’t go yesterday, but it definitely isn’t getting past me.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

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