Have you folks ever seen Death in Paradise? Let me tell you, it is one delightful television series. 

I saw the newest one (at least the newest to air in Canada) on Monday. It is the most unrealistic, toothless murder show imaginable but I love it. A British detective/murder show set in a fictional British territory in the Caribbean that is full of French accents (Saint-Marie, actually Guadeloupe) and keeps the blood to a minimum and the rape dial set to zero.

It features a dorky but inspired British Detective Inspector, a role filled by several actors so far, a couple of officers who provide most of the comedy, a gruff commissioner, and most of all an absolutely stunning Detective Sergeant who also does most of the dirty work solving each week’s killing(s).

The show is pleasant and as benign as a show about murderers and their victims can be. Of course, the real draw is the beautiful woman with a French accent who solves crimes in sundresses and hot pants. Here are the Detective Sergeants throughout the show’s now 9 season run:

Sara Martins. DS Camille Bordey season 1-4

The original. My favourite. Plays a great DS with erotic toughness and humour. Has a great side-eye she uses on the DI. Her beauty intoxicates me like no drug ever could. A former ballerina who speaks three languages. I would burn you all if it gained me her love. Smoking hot French accent.

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7VbAjNbZ2Xw]

Joséphine Jobert. DS Florence Cassell season 4-8

Initially I disliked her because she replaced Camille. But over time she grew into the part and I really enjoyed her role on the show. Still, the chemistry was never the same as before, even after they had changed DIs in season 3 because he got murdered. Another sultry French accent.

Aude Legastelois. DS Madeleine Dumas season 8-

Initially sent from Paris to investigate the DI (a different one now since season 6) over Florence getting shot in the line of duty. Naturally, he is cleared and she ends up staying as the new DS of the Saint-Marie police force. Delightfully arousing French accent.

Now for sweet, hot curling action!

I’m not sure 100% but I believe the team we played are either mildly autistic or just extra awkward and dorky teenagers. The rest of the team is pretty certain it’s the former. They have team jackets. Their parents watch them play. I think there’s a coach in there, too. They do pre-game stretches and are very focused on the game.

So off the bat they win the toss and take the hammer in the first end. No problem as we go down and steal one. The ice was very fast and we all had trouble keeping rocks in the house.

They picked up a single in the second end to tie it and then, quite surprisingly to us, go down in the third for a steal of two off our sorry asses.  3-1 halfway through.

A team of slightly “astonished” teenagers is beating us. They’re kind of dicks, too. They like to stand really close to us and I assume other teams when we’re getting ready to sweep. Though they seem to not do that for me since I’m literally twice as large as them. One of the women on our team had to tell them to knock it off once because they were looming over her and tapping a broom relentlessly while she was trying to throw. 

Also, after one of their guys threw a shot heavy, I was mid-delivery and as I let it go their guy said to his teammate, “throw it lighter. But not that light”. Referring to my shot. Which, by the way, was a good draw to the four-foot. But again, I don’t know how much of this I can attribute to their possible situation and how much is just nerdy intensity. 

No matter. In the fourth we scored 5. Almost had a 6 but our skip threw heavy on the last rock and knocked one of ours out of the house. Then another in the 5th for a 7-3 lead going into the last end. They made a good shot in the 6th to finish 7-4.

Another win in the books to get to 6-0 on the year. A satisfying win? No, certainly not. They’re a relatively good team in our novice league but there’s no truly good outcome. If you beat them, you don’t get to really feel good. If you lose, you have to pretend you threw the game out of pity. I don’t think they came to the rink for our pity and it’s a damn good thing we didn’t feel any or we would’ve been run off the sheet with our brooms between our legs.

We have a week off next Friday to accommodate a bonspiel but will be back for the final five weeks or so after that. The team has decided that in order to keep our curling shape we will be meeting at a pub near my place around the same time as the game to drink ourselves stupid.

No days off.