Hard Ride To Nowhere (Chapter 114)

The scene: The parking lot area of the Iguana Mart of the future! Future Clone Lynda Carter has just exited in pursuit of her nemesis, Future Clone Debbie Harry, and is even now scanning the lot. But finding a single person amid the thronging masses of humans, mutants, aliens, chimpanzees, reptilians, insectoids and giant arthropods is all but impossible.

But whether by luck, determination or just sheer happenstance, she spots Doktor Zymm’s RV pulling out of the parking lot, with Future Clone Debbie Harry behind the wheel! Racing to her hoverbike, Future Clone Lynda Carter fires it up and, bag of Diggler’s Donuts still in hand, takes to the sky in pursuit!

A single pink-frosted donut falls from the bag as she rockets off, rolling unnoticed through the throngs of Iguana Mart customers in the parking lot. It rolls its way down the sidewalk in front of the store, then turns with the curve of the landscape and disappears from sight.

Cut to: The inside of the RV, where Future Clone Debbie Harry is heading into the Wasteland, with Rikki-Tikki-Deadly grinning like an idiot in the passenger seat.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly: This is SO cool!

Future Clone Debbie Harry: I’m so happy you’re pleased.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly: I mean, I’ve never been kidnapped before! Well, there was that one time when a crazy girl scout kept a bunch of us locked up in a basement so she could sacrifice us to an elder god. But he turned out to be a pretty nice guy.

Future Clone Debbie Harry (bored): Fascinating.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly: And there was that time in Albuquerque. But that was less of a kidnapping and more of an arrest for unpaid parking tickets. Good thing I have the best little lawyer in the world!

Future Clone Debbie Harry (looking at the dashboard): Uh-huh. Does this thing have an ejection seat…?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly (wriggling his eyebrows): So, you from around here?

Future Clone Debbie Harry (sighing): Look, why don’t you make yourself useful and keep an eye out for trouble?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly (looking in the side mirror): Sure thing! Do we have The Man on our tail?

Future Clone Debbie Harry: More like The Woman. And a rather persistent one at that. She and I go way back, you see, and…

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly (looking in the side mirror): Does she have dark hair?

Future Clone Debbie Harry: Well, yes.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly (still looking in the side mirror): And fabulous cheekbones?

Future Clone Debbie Harry (sniffing indignantly): Well, some people think so, but…

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly (looking closely into the side mirror): And a really great pair of…

Future Clone Debbie Harry (glaring): She’s behind us, isn’t she?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly (nodding): On a really cool flying motorcycle thingy! Hey, do you know where I can get one of those?

Future Clone Debbie Harry (frantically searching the dashboard): OK, where are the missiles? This is Zymm’s car, I know there are missiles somewhere!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly: Um, yeah. Well, there were. We kinda used the last of them a few days ago. We were out of fireworks, so…

Future Clone Debbie Harry: Then how about a minigun? Or a laser?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly recoils back as a laser beam bounces off of his window.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly: Hey, she has a laser!

Future Clone Debbie Harry (glaring): And that helps us how?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly (embarassed): I was just making conversation…

Future Clone Debbie Harry: You’re worse than my last lackey.

Another laser beam glances off the RV. Future Clone Debbie Harry swerves the big vehicle back & forth, but Future Clone Lynda Carter stays on her tail.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly: Wow, she looks pretty determined. Maybe we should just pull over. What’s the worst thing that could happen?

Future Clone Debbie Harry: She could disintegrate me.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly: OK, granted, that would suck. For you, I mean.

Future Clone Debbie Harry: And then she might decide to disintegrate you as well, just for helping me. She’s a vindictive sort.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly’s eyes widen, then he starts frantically searching the dashboard.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly: I know there’s a laser here somewhere…

Cut to: The office of the Iguana Mart sales associate, who is even now confusing, confounding and outright perplexing Covalent Blonde with a stack of documents some five feet high.

Sales Associate (circling a date): And you see, this is when your credit was incorporated into the company’s debt structure, which was right after the Tax Easement Assessment Securities Exchange act of 2079, which allowed unpaid debts to transfer into stock and/or ownership opportunities. Then, in 2127 the company’s stock split again, so…

Covalent Blonde (her eyes glazed over): Gah. I’d say I was dead and in Hell, but I don’t see Moose around.

Covalent Blonde closes her eyes and drifts off. She awakens sometime later.

Sales Associate (excitedly): …and then of course you have your annual stipend as well! So you see, you are quite wealthy!

Covalent Blonde (blinking as she wakes up): Huh, I must’ve nodded off for (checks watch)…two hours? Oh well, I needed a nap.

Sales Associate (handing CB a pen): Now, if you could just sign here, and here, and…

Covalent Blonde (signing): Yeah, sure. So does this get me my protein shakes?

Sales Associate: Oh, of course! I’ll have them delivered immediately! Do you want all your other items loaded into your new truck?

Covalent Blonde (confused): Umm…yes…?

Sales Associate (grinning): Excellent! And how else may I help you?

Covalent Blonde (still confused): Umm….?

Cut to: The Wasteland, where Horatio Cornblower, Moosemas Gorilla, Otto’s Brain and PK have finally come within sight of Iguana Mart. They’re still a bit gory from the aftermath of Covalent Blonde squishing the giant scorpion, and PK is still fiddling with the pincer around his waist.

Oh, yeah. He still has his man-bun, too. Because this is the Darkest Timeline.

Horatio Cornblower: Holy cow! I mean, I know I’m a bit vertically challenged, guys, but that place is yuuuuuge, right?

Otto’s Brain: You’re not kidding! I think I’ve been to smaller cities!

Moosemas Gorilla: Ook? Ook-ook?

Horatio Cornblower: Seriously, pal. I don’t have any idea how we’ll find CB in there, either.

PK (fumbling with the pincer): Gee whiz, could one of you guys help me with this thing? It’s starting to kinda chafe.

Moosemas Gorilla huffs out a sigh and with casual ease breaks the pincer free.

Moosemas Gorilla (tossing the pincer away): Ook…?

Horatio Cornblower (looking around): No, I hear it too, pal. How about you guys?

Otto’s Brain: Yeah, it sounds exactly like Zymm’s RV getting chased by a hot chick on a hoverbike.

Horatio Cornblower: That sounds pretty specific, Otto.

Otto’s Brain: Well, yeah, that’s because my optic implants are a few grades above human eyes, and also because they’re heading right for us.

Moosemas Gorilla, Horatio Cornblower and PK look up to see Doktor Zymm’s RV cresting the ridge they were standing near, and bearing down on them at breakneck speed.

Horatio Cornblower (gulping): Aw, man, and here I was thinking that today couldn’t get any worse…

To be continued…