Normally Christmas movies are Scotchnaut and Wakezilla’s beat, but I stumbled upon a seemingly unheard of gem on the NFL Network over the weekend and I wanted to spread its holiday cheer with the fine folks here.
The Film: The Christmas Twin Switch
The Players:
He’s got the beard, he’s got the belly, say hello to newcomer…
Rob Ryan, who plays a vulgar, crude, lecherous, lonely down-on-his-luck shopping mall Santa named “Lonnie”.
He’s joined by familiar face Clare Kramer – who you might remember as “Glory” from the television series “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” or unforgettable Taylor Brooks from the jaw-dropping sinister final chapter of The Skulls trilogy, “The Skulls III” – who plays a seemingly insatiable sexpot of a suburban housewife named “Rachelle”.
Plot Shenanigans:
Lonnie is working his regular shift dealing with obnoxious Millennial parents who don’t seem to understand that the bourbon vapors they smell on his breath are the only thing keeping him from taking their snot-nosed, screaming little brat named Jaxon or Meridian and tossing them into the fetid waters of the mall’s wishing fountain. He’s behind on his rent and one more “incident” that costs him a paycheck will see him evicted and spending his Christmas at the Greyhound station. One day, as Lonnie steps away from the Christmas display for a short, sanity-restoring break, someone bumps into him and knocks the stock of candy canes he’s carrying onto the floor, spilling everywhere. As he sighs and crouches down to pick them up, a vision from heaven steps into his field of view.
These, of course, happen to belong to Rachelle, who complains that she’s been walking through the mall all day, and wonders if perhaps Santa has a private room in his workshop where she might take these off and get her Christmas wish of a foot massage fulfilled. Lonnie enthusiastically volunteers his services, and the two disappear into his break room for a short while. Rachelle emerges with a secret smile on her face, and Lonnie spends the rest of his shift hollering “Ho, Ho, Ho!” in the closest he’s ever come to the true holiday spirit.
The rug is pulled the following afternoon, as Lonnie strolls into the Macy’s and first thinks that he’s passed by a large mirror, but then stops and does a double take as he realizes that the image of himself he saw was an actual person, Lex.
The two gape at each other before stammering out introductions. Lex is revealed to be Lonnie’s separated-at-birth, high-powered hedge fun manager twin brother. Lex is every bit as vulgar, crude, and lecherous as Lonnie and the two seem well on their way to a heartwarming reunion when out from the fitting room strolls Lex’s beloved wife…Rachelle.
Lonnie, of course, assumes that Rachelle had mistaken him for Lex, who had arranged for some holiday sexcapades in the form of a tryst at the mall. Mortified at having potentially destroyed his budding relationship with his brother before they’ve even had a chance to build it, Lonnie’s day gets even worse when his boss at the mall confronts him with security footage of him sneaking off with Rachelle, and fires him on the spot. With nowhere left to turn, Lonnie reaches out to his brother Lex for a place to stay during the holidays.
Obstacle?
Lex is actually thrilled at the chance to support his twin brother, and invites him to join them at their sprawling holiday home in Cross River. With the ostentatious wealth of Lex and Rachelle on full display, Lonnie walks a tightrope as he continues to fend off Rachelle’s advances while attempting to rebuild a sense of family with his long-lost twin brother. But after a madcap Christmas Eve party filled with crazy relatives, other local characters, and plenty of holiday hijinks and drinks, Lonnie wakes up with Rachelle in his arms and finds himself staring down the barrel of an antique shotgun held by his very angry brother…
Resolution:
…who immediately bursts into laughter as his ruse comes to fruition. It turns out that Lex is tired of his high-stress life on Wall Street, and wants to retire and enjoy his wealth. Unfortunately, he’s still under contract and would lose everything were he to walk away so abruptly. He’d like for Lonnie to trim his beard, get a little liposuction, and take Lex’s place while he goes off to live a quieter life. “Maybe I’ll work in a shoe store for a while,” Lex muses. “But why all the subterfuge?” Lonnie wonders. Rachelle giggles “We thought it would be fun to engage in a little hazing before we told you the truth.” It turns out that she is completely on board – and has been from the beginning – and the snow begins to fall as Lonnie is welcomed with open arms into their unconventional family.
