I Watched It So You Don’t Have To: Christmas Connection

The hallmark of a treacly Christmas are the movies that tend to pop up informing us of the inherent goodness that the season brings. In The Canada these orts of cinema can be found on The Women’s Network. Perhaps you’re subjected to them by the SO and you’d like to wriggle out of the obligation-that’s where I come in. That way you can say, “SEEN IT!” and go about your manly business like the domestic superstar that you are. Here. We. Go.

The Players:

Brooke Burns is a 40-ish actress that was going to be a ballerina until she did in her ACL. Her leggy goodness eventually ended up on Baywatch. She plays Sydney.

Tom Everett Scott is a tv movie guy for the most part but he was in LaLa Land. He’s Jon.

Plot Shenanigans:

Sydney is a stewardess that’s been all over this great big world and has been entrusted to care for Jon’s little girl who is flying back solo from somewhere. (I missed the first ten minutes) Jon is ever so grateful that his daughter arrives in one piece that he invites Syd for a coffee. It’s here we learn that our heroine is pretty much a blank slate of a character. She lost her parents, was raised by her grandparents who are gone, she has no siblings and has never been married! She does fill that immense void by travelling all around. The Great Wall, Machu Picchu, Mount Fuji-she’s seen ’em all, baby.

Jon is a widower (natch) that is a struggle-bunny just trying to get by. He’s a writer that does human interest stories. His single-dad status precludes him…everything, I guess.

Syd gets snowed in *and* manages to have a possession of Jon’s so naturally she calls her employer and gets his cell phone # and address and turns up on his doorstep to return said item. She’s invited into the house (which is massive btw-the whole family is richer than hell, of course) and is introduced to his parents, sister, brother, in-laws etc., all of whom are mere props. The interior is a ghastly beast of Xmas decorations-I assume the set designers were coked-out during the assembly. “We don’t do Christmas half-way around here” is said, needlessly. Syd is snowed in once again so Jon suggests doing a human interest piece on her because she knows her parents met in Chicago at Christmas (where they happen to be) but she doesn’t know how. Does anyone see a connection here?

Plot Furtherance:

Syd absolutely adores the daughter and ends up doing Christmas-y things with her like making cookies and doing snow angels. She very much admires Jon for his total devotion to the little girly-cake. That, and the prospect of getting an insta-family, I’m sure. Jon’s really into the self-doubt game so he’s not gonna make a move. But lo, here comes “first contact”! It been used a few times before though. There’s a skating rink and Syd was a figure skater back in the day but Jon has never donned the blades. She helps him along, they touch, and he thinks “hey, I just might be able to bang this broad because she willingly laid her hands on me!”.

Obstacle?:

Syd has slaved for ten years to get the much-wanted “Post in Rome”. The coming decision is looming over this burgeoning relationship. Woah, wait a sec, Syd runs into a buddy that tells her, a) Syd hasn’t looked more happy in her entire life and b) She got the Rome thing! What to do…. What to do… She makes her final decision in the cab on the way to the airport. “FUCK CHICAGO, ROME IS WHERE IT’S AT, SUCKERS!”, she yells out the window for all the city to hear.

Resolution:

Kidding! She makes her way to the skating surface where Jon just happens to be hanging out. She learns that her parents entered a figure-skating contest on that very rink! Does anyone see a connection? She’s gonna work out of the Windy City now. Kisses! [snowfall begins on cue]

Observation:

Roles-wise, this was a very, very white Christmas indeed. Also, how do the actors not sweat their balls/ovaries off when they’re dressed in winter clothing and doing an interior scene? Are they naked underneath?

Farewell, I’m off to watch The Rooftop Christmas Tree!

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Game Time DecisionRikki-Tikki-DeadlyBrick MeathookLow Commander of the Super SoldiersDon T Recent comment authors
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Game Time Decision

Isn’t every Christmas movie just a giant MabLibs? She’s a ____ with a ____. He’s a ____ with a _____. they meet over ____. They meet again due to ___. They fall in love. The end.

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

Speaking of stewardesses getting drilled, here’s the mouth of the Delaware Bay earlier today looking out to the Atlantic, with Cape May NJ on the left and Cape Lewes DE on the right. I’m currently over eastern Colorado fucking everything that moves:

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Don T

I’d watch this movie if Jon tried to convince Syd to pick Chi**** over Rome for the quality of the pizza.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Maybe this movie is why Blax did this:

https://twitter.com/Newsweek/status/1068147578729054208?s=19

rockingdog
rockingdog

hahahaha
Of all the departments to shoot your groin in, the meat department has to be the funniest!

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

That or “Family Planning.”

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Newsweek really could have made that headline more concise. Maybe something like “Arizona man carrying handgun in waistband shoots himself in the meat department”.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

We watched the Vanessa Hudgens one last week. Maybe Scotchy can tackle that one next?

Wakezilla

Is that the one where she becomes a Princess and she’s plowed by a king while a princess gets a calf cramp from getting railed by a commoner who inexplicably has the body of a Greek god?

ballsofsteelandfury

OMG I SAW THE KING ONE!!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Maybe, I wasn’t really paying attention.

rockingdog
rockingdog

ballsofsteelandfury

As I’ve mentioned before, my mom watches these and sometimes I get roped in. I can admit that I HAVE seen bits and pieces of this one and can attest that this post contains all the information you need to know about it!

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Roommate Commander watches these too. When cutting the cable cord, it was a specific requirement that the new service MUST have the Hallmark Channel. Having these recaps are a total highlight so I can be even better informed in my making fun of them.

Wakezilla

I’m kind of shocked that Jon isn’t wearing Green in that poster.

Ah, the coveted Rome post for women. What woman doesn’t want to be grouped by every man on the streets, in the trains, in the buses and at work?

Anyone else think Sydney’s parents were going to have met on a connecting flight? Just me?

LemonJello
LemonJello

Fun Fact; Interactive Version:
The “Rome Post” is:
a) the nickname Jim Rome calls his penis
ii) Marc Antony’s euphemism for plowing Cleopatra

ballsofsteelandfury

Giving her the ole Rome Post!

Yup, checks out.

nomonkeyfun

Because I never get tired of this or the old “Deuce” graphics.
http://sportsunbiased.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/01/jim-everett-jim-rome.jpg

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Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

I think this is really a beautiful and heart warming story, and I’m glad that Syd found Jon and she moves into his house and he just fucks the shit out of her every night, as hard as she wants it which is pretty hard, and the daughter smiles in her bed at night because she can hear Syd’s head banging into the headboard and also hear her moans and screeches, in fact everybody can and it makes everyone smile around the breakfast table although Syd can’t be a stewardess anymore because she no longer feels right giving mighty fine blowjobs to wealthy passengers and pilots and airline executives but that’s okay because she has found Christ The Lord and Jon’s great big cock and they all had a Merry Christmas.

Wakezilla

Way to spoil Christmas Connection 2. Jerk!

ballsofsteelandfury

I wish I could make this the banner, but it’s too long.

That’s what Syd said!!

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

That sentence runs like the train Jon runs on Syd.