Latest posts by Rikki-Tikki-Deadly (see all)
- That’s…My Raiders?Our 2019 Oakland Raiders at the Bye – October 11, 2019
- The Losers’ Investment Club: Bowels of the Earth – October 4, 2019
- The Losers’ Investment Club: Transportation – September 27, 2019
INT. DFO PRODUCTION OFFICE – DAY
A pair of sleazy Hollywood producers are hard at work. One – DARKEST TIMELINE ZACK MORRIS – is inspecting his recent manicure, occasionally frowning at imperfections. The other – RIKKI-TIKKI-DEADLY – is impatiently peering at a six-pack planter of seedlings.
RIKKI-TIKKI-DEADLY: Come on, damn you! Hurry up and grow!
DARKEST TIMELINE ZACK MORRIS: I’m not sure I’m entirely comfortable with you doing that in the office.
RTD: Why not? It’s totally legal.
DTZM: Oh, no, no, no, no. I’m fine with the drugs. I just don’t like having a bowl full of dirt sitting around. It’s uncouth.
RTD: What are you talking about? You literally ordered a bowl of fresh compost yesterday at Laurel Hardware for lunch.
DTZM: That was the tagliatelle ai funghi e tartufo nero, and it was artisinal. And quite delicious, incidentally. This…[gestures]…this stuff looks like it came from Lowe’s. Imagine if Meryl Streep walked in here and saw that sitting on your desk.
The two of them briefly fall silent and their eyes glaze over as they imagine someone with that kind of cachet walking into their office.
— [door flies open] —
MARK DAVIS: HI I’M MARK DAVIS!
TRAYCEE: [via intercom] I’m sorry. I tried to stop him but he’s got that re…tired NFL player strength
RTD: That’s fine, Traycee.
DTZM: Mark, Mark, how nice to see you!
MARK DAVIS: WHY ARE YOU MAKING MY RAIDERS GO AWAY.
RTD: Mark, Mark, Mark…
DTZM: Relax, Mark.
RTD: We’re not making them going away.
MARK DAVIS: AUNT AMY TOLD ME THEY WERE MOVING.
DTZM: That’s correct, Mark, they’re moving.
MARK DAVIS: [clenches fists] BUT THE STADIUM’S NOT READY.
RTD: No, not moving cities, Mark. They’re moving timeslots.
DTZM: We’re just taking them out of primetime. A lot of people are too tired to watch TV on Thursday night, so we’re moving them to the middle of the day on Saturday when people have more energy to enjoy the show.
MARK DAVIS: [confused] AUNT AMY SAID YOU WERE “BURNING THEM OFF”.
RTD: Well…yes, that’s right, Mark.
MARK DAVIS: AUNT AMY SAID WE’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO PLAY WITH FIRE.
DTZM: Well…that depends, Mark.
RTD: You know how everything in California is on fire right now?
MARK DAVIS: IT SMELLS POOPY.
DTZM: It sure does, Mark. But that smell is California getting rid of all the old, dead, useless vegetation and cleaning itself out so new things can grow…
RTD: …and it’s also getting rid of all those old, lower-middle-class houses so that the construction industry can come in and profit handsomely from building new houses in their place!
DTZM: …and then those construction industry leaders can plow some of those profits back into political campaigns that serve their industry’s interests over the interests of those politicians’ constituents!
RTD: …at the expense of programs that help reduce the conditions that create wildfires, so there are more new houses to build!
DTZM: It’s called the “cycle of life”.
MARK DAVIS: IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU DON’T WANT TO BE FRIENDS WITH MY RAIDERS ANYMORE.
RTD: No, no, it’s nothing like that at all.
DTZM: We still love your Raiders.
RTD: It’s just that our plate is so full right now…
DTZM: …like, Andy Reid on his way back from the buffet full…
RTD: …that we don’t have enough time to give your Raiders the attention they deserve.
DTZM: We’ve got The Bearistocrats! reboot that’s been doing so well this season…
RTD: …and the new Reuben Foster redemption vehicle Crazy Ex and Also Current Girlfriend is headed into production next month…
DTZM: …all that drama on Mister Rodgers’ Family…
RTD: …Amari Cooper adapting to life as the new adopted kid on This is Dallas…
DTZM: …One Day at a Time: The Steve Keim Story…
RTD: …and it’s not just us who are busy. Jon is trying his hand at directing with his passion project The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Roster…
DTZM: …and Derek’s got that fish-out-of-water gangland satire The Emo G Movie coming out soon…
MARK DAVIS: SO YOU’RE GOING TO PUT THAT’S MY RAIDERS ON THE SHELF?
DTZM: That’s the plan, Mark.
MARK DAVIS: AND YOU’RE ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN THIS IS WHAT YOU WANT TO DO?
RTD: Oh, absolutely, Mark.
DTZM: We’re very sure.
Mark Davis gives a rueful smile, then dons a white-on-white Raiders cap he has been holding.
MARK DAVIS: Very well. I realize that the idea that “patience is a virtue” is often lost when it comes to one’s personal life, but it always dismays me to see such a maxim jettisoned when there is money to be made.
MARK DAVIS: I see you gentlemen have made your decision, and are well-informed about the downsides of such a choice, contractually speaking.
DTZM: Yes, well you see, we’re in a bit of a dispute with our attorney regarding his latest invoice and…
MARK DAVIS: [puts up his hands] It’s all right, gentlemen. Quite all right. I won’t presume to feign an interest in the sausage grinding of your business any more than I intend to allow you a peek behind the curtains at the intricacies of mine. [glances at the planter] I’m certain you’re quite busy, as am I, so I’ll be on my way. Good day to you. [tips cap] Gentlemen…I’ll be seeing you. Soon.