A very good evening to youse. I’m on a light and breezy mode because I burned the remaining horcrux of the 2024 NFL season: my longshot $10 USD bet for Donks Woo! to make the playoffs. I made that bet in August, when the Broncos were bona fide rebuildineers and Bo Nix was the first 30-year-old rookie QB since Brandon Weeden. Well, I collected $60 USD on it last Friday. In sum,

Oh yeah, I’ll crow about that foresight. Because that was the lone hit of several dreadful and unoriginal bets, which netted me around minus $[pending audit] USD over the whole season. I know I know. Three sitty is a considerable amount of money. It should’ve been invested in drugs.

The ‘24 season was tough overall. I wasted at least ten bottles of good-to-great bubbly as salves for WHY IS MASON RUDOLPH PLAYING howls at the sky. Even the punting was bad for the ’24 Tits. Wait,

Even the punting.

The new kickoff rule: it’s a wonky play. Otherwise, it’s fine. Yes.

Turning to the good, I remember there being little talk about how the Chefs were thoroughly exposed, humiliated, filleted, and straight up ownT at the Owl. It was especially sweet because… A little background first, let’s enjoy this together.

The Chefs entered ’24 looking to three cheat. The rest of the world was jealous and upset, odiously:

From the preseason on, Chefs fatigue only grew. KC victories became inevitable, getting Ws from miniscule margins (Week 1) to refs asking leading questions for the coin toss. And after all the destiny talk and enshrinement, the Philadelphia defense murdered KC’s OL and gameplan. If you hate Patrick Mahomes, the Eagles handed you Christmas, Hannukah, and $30,000 in contraband tech and snacks—tariff this! Damn, the ’25 AFC seems hella wide open. Seems like a great time for Bills and Ravens fans to suffer. Because only one of you can go to the Owl, is all. To be clear: BUF and BAL fans’ bellyaching is pathetic and hilarious, but I was not referring to that. Originally.

NFL NEWS

Well lookee here

-From The Athletic: Touchbacks on kickoffs placed the ball at the 30. Now? The 35, which will enable the Chargers to only take up four minutes to score a field goal. Man those fuckers loved settling for 3s in ’24.

-From TA Parte Dos. Regular season overtime will still be 10 minutes BUT, same format as playoff OT. Which is: each team gets a possession, unless it’s the Jets because they will probably fuck it up. They always do! Counterpoint: Aaron Glenn seems like a serious professional.

-RAAAAIII DUUURRSSs sign QB Geno Smith to two years, $66.5 guaranteed. It’s whelming, right?

-From espen: Chargers sign QB Trey Lance to be Thing 2’s Thing 2. By which I mean Jim Harbaugh and Trey Lance, respectively. No link; irritant punter was on landing page for unrelated video. I’m this close to becoming espen deportes only.

-WR Julio Jones retired. Heh heh, no. Wiseass. It was last Friday.

SPROTS TONITE

All times Central

NHL

Canadiens @ Predators – 6:00

Golden Knights @ Canucks – 9:00

SUPERFLUOUS ROUNDBALL

Suns @ Knicks – 6:00

Pacers @ Nuggets – 7:00

Rockets @ Warriors – 7:30

Bucks @ Loomis B – 7:30

TOP FLIGHT FÚTBOL

Check your quote legal websites for streams. Home team first, forever and eveL, amén.

 Argentina

 Argentinos Juniors v. Defensa y Justicia – 6:15

Racing Club v. Banfield – 6:15

Brasil

Santos v. Bahía – 6:30

Colombia

Atlético Junior v. Independiente Medellín – 6:20

Águilas Doradas v. Llaneros – 8:30

Costa Rica

Alajuelense v. Santos – 7:00

Ecuador

Emelec v. Manta F.C. – 6:00

Guatemala

Comunicaciones v. Cobán Imperial – 6:00

Xinabajul v. Xelaju – 9:00

Honduras

Marathon v. Real España – 6:15

Olimpia v. C.D. Real Sociedad – 8:30

Secsi Mecsi

Toluca v. Santos – 7:00

Paraguay

Nacional v. 2 de Mayo – 6:30

2 de Mayo is named for a Paraguayan military regiment, which fought against Bolivia. The club shield celebrates the regiment’s fervoUr for typography:

With and without serif. This varied arsenal was too much for the Bolivians.

Perú

Alianza Universidad v. Comerciantes Unidos – 6:00

Uruguay

Miramar Mansiones v. Montevideo City Torque – 6:00

U.S.A.

Inter Miami v. Tirana – 6:00

Reminder: You can still hate on Luis Suárez (38 )

FINALLY,

it made me happy that DC is a football town again. Hell, it even reached the playoffs with a rookie QB whose knees were not shredded by the home grounds and careerist coaches—a first for the franchise, I’m pretty sure.

2024 was a tough year for Dan Campbell. First, namesake Quinn became the bigger Dan of the 4th down apostates. Then, the Lions just got too many injuries for a deep playoff run, and Baby Buster returned (assisted by a head owie, if memory serves). That DC @ DET was a car crash of a game, if you wanted good things to the Loins, that is. After that game, the coordinators left to become the Jets and Bears HCs. The only similar talent drain I remember was the Nick Folk Iggles after winning the Owl. Detroit’s was after a Divisionals loss at home (gut punch), after clinching home field advantage (knee to the head).

Detroit’s high point of the season turned out to be Week 18, which was also the lowest point for Sam Darnold. What a season by Touch of Downs. Against the Titans he was slippery and his passes on the run got big gains, fucker. Then the season went on, Vikes’ receivers were not decapitated, and Week 18 was a full meltdown for Darnold. And then nothing in the tank against RAMMITT a week later. 

One thing that stuck to me was the Saints’ offensive revolution. It was a thing (source:

), which lasted two weeks. But during that time, I got to crow about picking Alvin Kamara for my fantasy team. I refuse to be a humble lameoid for fun shit.    

Qaron became an official crank, now that his play on the field was between shit and shot. Yeah that was harsh, much like Rodgers pushing away Saleh after a touchdown.

All things considered, Saleh may be the person coming out less embarrassed from the Jets’ accommodation to Rodgers.

Josh Allen played like the best QB I’ve seen. It was easy to root for the Bills in ’24. Also, even the media said that it wasn’t Lamar!’s fault. It was easy to root for John Harbaugh to be shot out of a cannon into a vat of garbage juice and dildos. Jalen Hurts really steps up play in the playoffs. What a luxury it would be, to root for the Eagles.

Can’t wait for ’25. Unless Will Levis remains in the Tits QB room. Please god no.