Charlie Dick: The 2026 Arizona Cardinals Preview Post

Historically, we like to open the Arizona Cardinals season preview post with the NFLPA annual report cards. The Cardinals were dead last in previous year results. Last season, despite having the only F-graded owner, leaked report cards moved the redbirds to team number 31 on the list. So then…..trending up, you know.

If you’ve been following my slow devolve into Kamaʻāina, you can imagine I no longer have the eternal fire to convince you the Cardinals are, year over year, the worst franchise in the NFL. There’s no point. You hate the Steelers, you’re gonna say the worst is the Steelers. You love ICE, you’re going to say the worst is everyone but the Patriots. I could give a shit. I’m just here to give context after recent season win totals of 4, 4, 8, and 3.

With a 17 game schedule.

Besides, I really don’t keep up on The League well enough to know if Woody Johnson and Mark Davis are actually trying to do a worse job with their franchises. All the bad teams just kind of look the same these days.

The story details are simple enterring 2026. GM Monti Ossenfort was kept around while the rest of the house has been cleaned wiped with a communal 49ers locker room cum rag. In 2023, team owner Mike Bidwill was so infatuated with Jonathon Gannon that he illegally tampered with — or, as is Bidwill’s calling card, ‘enjoyed impermissible contact with the young man‘ — the then-Eagles DC to make sure ARI landed him as their next head coach (who was just fired). The 2026 coaching search was different. 27 days and 20 candidates later, the Cardinals landed their cheap man (but had to extend a year because the franchise actually had far fewer interested takers) with former Rams/49ers offensive guy and notable Kyle Rittenhouse doppelganger, Max LaFleur.

The Arizona Cardinals have not hired a head coach with experience since 2004. I guess when you’re paying Kyler Murray $36 million to play for the Minnesota Vikings, cheap can appear to be a justified necessity. Nonetheless, whatever the Cardinals are spending on this roster is still too much. The team has no nationally televised games and is the favorite to lose all 17 games this season. There’s nothing to hide with this locker room. Look at them — they look as bad as the imbreds in the United States military klutzing around Iran all summer looking like a bunch of jagoff dropouts..

Speaking of dropouts who ain’t winning anything in 2026 while a bunch of your old donors run train on your wife/handler, notable uneducated smart guy and political troll, Charlie Cuck Kirk, had his Pro-Israel Right Wing memorial service for all Proud MAGA Warriors at the Cardinals’ State Farm Stadium on September 21, 2025 in Glendale, AZ. Kirk’s death was made fun by a lot of people but WR1, Marvin Harrison Jr, wasn’t laughing. Kirk’s throat is better at catching on-target bullets than the former #4 pick who is starting to look like a good old fashion bust more than the He-Could-Be-A-Sammy-Watkins-Guy narrative local sports media is trying to declare.

More importantly though, the souls and vibrations of the losers who attended the memorial service for Kirk — a potpourri of dirty white nationalists, fake Christians, bad parents, and the proudly stupid — let their filth seep deep into the cracks and crannies of the stadium. The result — the Arizona Cardinals have not won a home game since hosting that memorial service.

So will the Cardinals win any games this season? The trend is no. Their shitty roster says no. Their third most-difficult schedule says no. Speaking of which — check out the Cardinals’ AI slop schedule release video for 2026.

You could say the 2026 Arizona Cardinals are not competitive. That’s wrong. The ’26 Cardinals are not even participating. The organization is devoid of leadership, gay or otherwise. There is no one to lead the locker room. Their top four draft picks are hurt already. There is no vision for ’26 or beyond. Anything better than 0-17 is a gravy for this squad.

Are they sucking for Archie? No. They just suck.