We return to the Andromedome and to the Rolldown, as we get to the midpoint of the season’s biggest competition that won’t get stopped by the Miami goddamn Marlins.
The last time we were here, records were falling left and right. The hurdles had the record continuously get lowered, and the block pushing had the Midnight Wisps end the night early since their first run set the record and got the handy win.
This week there are no records, since each track is unique, but there was plenty of drama. First off, the triathlon.
Event 8: Triathlon
Like any triathlon, marbles will compete in three disciplines in this event. It starts with a race across sand before moving onto a portion of Marbula One-style track—racers have to be careful moving from sand to track. From the track they move to an underwater section where they race to the finish. Like the hurdles, best two in each heat move to the semis, best to in each semifinal move to the final, and all non-advancing marbles will be classified by time in the round they went out.
Heat 1: Pulsar (Team Galactic), Stinger (Hornets), Green Eye (Crazy Cat’s Eyes), Disarray (Balls of Chaos)
It was a good launch for all four marbles, as Pulsar jumped out to the lead on the sand and approaching the track. Stinger was in pursuit ahead of Green Eye and Disarray, but Pulsar had a healthy lead through the esses so it took a while for Stinger to try to get the trackdown. It wasn’t until the water that the Hornets’ captain caught up, where everyone’s momentum slows. From there it was a matter of whether Stinger could get the draft, which he did successfully to get around Pulsar around the midpoint of the lap in the pool and power to the heat victory. However, both marbles would move on.
Results: Stinger, Pulsar, Green Eye, Disarray
Heat 2: Yellim (Mellow Yellow), Momo (Team Momo), Mallard (Green Ducks), Rapidly (Savage Speeders)
Mallard got the best launch, but was going up and down the sand course rather than just forward, and she lost a good chunk of time that way, giving way to Momo and Rapidly. She retook second from Rapidly but lost it just as quickly, hitting the side of the track as she entered. This gave Momo the chance to extend his lead as Mallard and Rapidly battled throughout the track portion and all the way into the pool, neck and neck. It was close for 2nd throughout, as Momo breezed to the heat victory, but in the end Rapidly took it by 18 hundredths. It’s another disappointing event in this Green Ducks sophomore slump.
Results: Momo, Rapidly, Mallard, Yellim
Heat 3: Shock (Thunderbolts), Minty Drizzel (Minty Maniacs), Orangin (O’rangers), Ruzzy (Raspberry Racers)
Shock, Minty Drizzel, and Orangin were neck and neck throughout the sand, with Orangin and Shock bumping into the track section, but with Minty Drizzel unable to pass. Ruzzy lurked behind as like Mallard he was bounding up and down the course. The two were connected through much of the track before Shock got the worse of a bump, falling back and in danger of Minty Drizzel catching up. At the pool, Ruzzy was quick with the launch but lost some of that momentum as Shock tried once more to get around Orangin but was unable. They would both advance though.
Result: Orangin, Shock, Minty Drizzel, Ruzzy
Heat 4: Foggy (Hazers), Bumble (Bumblebees), Wospy (Midnight Wisps), Shore (Oceanics)
Bumble got a good launch to lead through the sand but Shore was quick to catch up as Bumble veered through the end of the section, falling into last behind Foggy and Wospy. Shore had a decent enough lead through the track towards the water, as Greg Woods mentioned the Oceanics wanted to do well in a water event, for once. And you all know what happens next: Shore hits the water and loses all momentum, and gets passed by Foggy, and then by Wospy. The commentator’s curse strikes again, and the sky is blue, the water is wet, and the Oceanics falter in the aforementioned wet water.
Result: Foggy, Wospy, Shore, Bumble
Non-advancing marbles (9th-16th): Shore, Minty Drizzel, Ruzzy, Green Eye, Disarray, Bumble, Mallard, Yellim
Well, at least it was 9th for Shore?
Semifinal A: Stinger (Hornets), Wospy (Midnight Wisps), Rapidly (Savage Speeders), Orangin (O’rangers)
Wospy got out to the lead over the sand, bumping into Orangin and Stinger, who slowed, but Wospy veered across the course as a result and got the worst of it, falling to last as Orangin took the lead into the track. Rapidly had a hold of 2nd keeping Stinger at bay, but had a terrible entrance into the pool, losing second and trying to hold off Wospy for 3rd. Stinger and Orangin could escape the battle and they advanced.
Result: Orangin, Stinger, Wospy, Rapidly
Semifinal B: Momo (Team Momo), Shock (Thunderbolts), Foggy (Hazers), Pulsar (Team Galactic)
It was an early three-way battle for the lead, as Momo, Shock, and Foggy got a better launch than Pulsar. But Shock and Momo each hit a bump (the same bump?) weirdly, oscillating in tandem and both hitting the sidewall entering the track as Pulsar took advantage for 2nd. All four marbles were spread on the course as a result and remained that way in the pool. Foggy remained far out and front and would take the semi, but all eyes were on 2nd as Momo reined in Pulsar looking for a way around. Greg Woods said the pass was too late, but it went to a photo finish for 2nd. And the photo finish showed that because the line was after that last jump, Momo was able to just barely get the pass done, by just one-hundredth of a second!
Result: Foggy, Momo, Pulsar, Shock
Non-advancing marbles (5th-8th): Pulsar, Wospy, Rapidly & Shock (T-7)
Final: Orangin (O’rangers), Foggy (Hazers), Stinger (Hornets), Momo (Team Momo)
Stinger got propelled forward as there was some contact in the sand between him, Foggy, and Orangin. Foggy got the worst of it, because he got re-bumped by Orangin and Momo from going up and down. They remained constant throughout the track, Stinger, Orangin, Momo, and Foggy, as they approached the water for the final time. Momo looked to get around Stinger and was successful, doing the same with Orangin. But behind all of them with a great deal of speed was Foggy, who entered the pool around a second and a half behind the other three but had caught up with a big draft, threading the needle between Momo and Orangin and somehow, someway, ending up with the victory. It was officially a photo finish, but the photos made it clear.
Result: Foggy, Momo, Orangin, Stinger
Also rough luck for Stinger, as the Hornets are thwarted in their quest for their first-ever Marble League medal.
Podium
Gold: Foggy, Hazers
Silver: Momo, Team Momo
Bronze: Orangin, O’rangers
The $5,000 donation in the Hazers’ name was made to the Greater Chicago Food Depository.
Rest of standings
Hornets, Team Galactic, Midnight Wisps, Thunderbolts (T-7), Savage Speeders (T-7), Oceanics, Minty Maniacs, Raspberry Racers, Crazy Cat’s Eyes, Balls of Chaos, Bumblebees, Green Ducks, Mellow Yellow
Your midpoint standings…
Standings (after Event 8 of 16)
1. Orangers-120 pts (2G 1S 2B)
2. Midnight Wisps-103 pts (1G 1S 1B) (tiebreaker over CCE, # of bronze)
3. Crazy Cat’s Eyes-103 pts (1G 1S)
4. Minty Maniacs-99 pts (2G 1B)
5. Raspberry Racers-90 pts (1G 1S 1B)
6. Team Momo-77 pts (2S)
7. Team Galactic-76 pts (1S)
8. Savage Speeders-73 pts (2B)
9. Hazers-70 pts (1G)
10. Balls of Chaos-56 pts (1S)
11. Hornets-47 pts
12. Thunderbolts-45 pts
13. Bumblebees-43 pts
14. Green Ducks-40 pts
15. Oceanics-37 pts
16. Mellow Yellow-29 pts (1B)
Biggest rise: Hornets (+3)
Biggest drop: Bumblebees & Green Ducks (-2)
So at the midpoint, I think there’s really 5 teams who could win the competition, or at least be on the podium after all is said and done, and three of them are former/defending champions, the Crazy Cat’s Eyes and Minty Maniacs being the newcomers. The reward for being in the top 3 when all is said and done is automatic qualification for the 2021 Marble League, along with whoever the hosts end up being. (In 2019, as the Oceanics finished top 3 in 2018, the 4th place team was added.)
Event 9: Sand Mogul Race
Competitors race down a sand track similar to the one in the triathlon, finding their way around any bumps and divots to try and find the best time. Scoring is just like the triathlon.
King Stardust ran it in an 8.164. Admittedly that’s a traffic-free run.
Heat 1: Tangerin (O’rangers), Minty Flav (Minty Maniacs), Ocean (Oceanics), Rozzy (Raspberry Racers)
Ocean got out to an early lead, with the rest close behind. Minty Flav was able to get out past Tangerin for 2nd, and that bump sent the O’rangers marble off course and into the back of the pack in this short race. Meanwhile in a fitting manner, the Oceanics’ captain Ocean took the heat, as a sand event doesn’t have water.
Result: Ocean, Minty Flav, Rozzy, Tangerin
Heat 2: Green Eye (Crazy Cat’s Eyes), Tumult (Balls of Chaos), Goose (Green Ducks), Mo (Team Momo)
Green Eye got to the lead as Mo and Goose jostled for 2nd. Goose built up speed but hit something in the sand and veered left, falling to last, as Mo built up a similar head of steam and took the lead and the heat.
Result: Mo, Green Eye, Tumult, Goose
Heat 3: Honey (Bumblebees), Cosmo (Team Galactic), Swifty (Savage Speeders), Wespy (Midnight Wisps)
Swifty got a slight lead from the launch as Cosmo got a draft to take 2nd from Honey. But Honey got a bump draft from Wespy, who couldn’t get around, and Honey took back the position before the line.
Result: Swifty, Honey, Cosmo, Wespy
Heat 4: Zap (Thunderbolts), Hazy (Hazers), Yellow (Mellow Yellow), Yellowjacket (Hornets)
Hazy and Yellow got the best launch and some separation, just ahead of Zap and Yellowjacket. Yellowjacket could get by Zap for 3rd as Zap hit a bunch of bumps in a row, but neither would advance.
Result: Hazy, Yellow, Yellowjacket, Zap
Non-advancing marbles (9th-16th): Cosmo, Wespy, Rozzy, Tangerin, Yellowjacket, Zap, Tumult, Goose
Semifinal A: Swifty (Savage Speeders), Yellow (Mellow Yellow), Green Eye (Crazy Cat’s Eyes), Ocean (Oceanics)
With the O’rangers and Wisps out now is the Crazy Cat’s Eyes chance to really cut into the lead or even potentially take it. Swifty and Green Eye took the top two spots off the launch, as Ocean tried to get by. They got a bump draft from Yellow, but then Ocean and Green Eye collided, and while Green Eye’s momentum stopped and was sent backwards, dropping to last, Ocean was propelled forward into the semifinal victory. No investigation, it was all incidental contact, but Green Eye’s loss was Ocean’s gain.
Result: Ocean, Swifty, Yellow, Green Eye
Semifinal B: Hazy (Hazers), Mo (Team Momo), Minty Flav (Minty Maniacs), Honey (Bumblebees)
Green Eye couldn’t hammer home the initiative, but maybe Minty Flav could be able to to get the Maniacs back in the championship hunt. The captain was able to jump out to the lead and stay out of trouble long enough for the real question to be Hazy or Mo, who would take 2nd? Honey was behind, able to pick up the pieces in case the former two jostled themselves out of position, but Hazy was able to get the overtake last, and Hazy got the transfer spot.
Result: Minty Flav, Hazy, Mo, Honey
Non-advancing marbles (5th-8th): Yellow, Mo, Green Eye, Honey
Final: Ocean (Oceanics), Swifty (Savage Speeders), Hazy (Hazers), Minty Flav (Minty Maniacs)
It was an even launch, but Ocean and Hazy were able to get out to the lead. Minty Flav and Swifty were in the mix, but a bump draft from Swifty was able to give Hazy a boost to stay in 2nd. Minty Flav caused some more contact and gave Ocean another much-needed boost right as Hazy was about to take the lead as Ocean had the speed he needed to cross the line!
Result: Ocean, Hazy, Minty Flav, Swifty
The streak is over! For the Oceanics it’s their first medal since 2018’s curling (which was also gold), a string of 27 medal-less events, an unfortunate Marble League record. But put it away for now, because the Oceanics have a gold.
Podium
Gold: Ocean, Oceanics
Silver: Hazy, Hazers
Bronze: Minty Flav, Minty Maniacs
A $5,000 donation in the Oceanics’ name was made to the Greater Pittsburgh Community Food Bank.
Rest of standings:
Savage Speeders, Mellow Yellow, Team Momo, Crazy Cat’s Eyes, Bumblebees, Team Galactic, Midnight Wisps, Raspberry Racers, O’rangers, Hornets, Thunderbolts, Balls of Chaos, Green Ducks
Standings (after Event 9 of 16)
1. O’rangers-124 pts (2G 1S 2B)
2. Minty Maniacs-114 pts (2G 2B)
3. Crazy Cat’s Eyes-112 pts (1G 1S)
4. Midnight Wisps-109 pts (1G 1S 1B)
5. Raspberry Racers-95 pts (1G 1S 1B)
6. Hazers-90 pts (1G 1S)
7. Team Momo-87 pts (2S)
8. Savage Speeders-85 pts (2B)
9. Team Galactic-83 pts (1S)
10. Oceanics-62 pts (1G)
11. Balls of Chaos-57 pts (1S)
12. Hornets-50 pts (tiebreaker over BMB, best single-event position)
13. Bumblebees-50 pts
14. Thunderbolts-47 pts
15. Mellow Yellow-40 pts (1B) (tiebreaker over GDK, # of bronze)
16. Green Ducks-40 pts
There are seven events left, with the next being the 5 meter sprint on Thursday (Event 11 on Sunday is not confirmed as of writing). And we’ll see you next week.
Name one other team to win an NHL game in July. I’ll wait.
So, are we excited about the prospect of Deadspin 2.0? By which I mean Defector, coming in September, not the scab hedge fund douchebag version.
Definitely maybe
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BPPSu0vaNWA
Maybe one of these will fix and/or break whatever’s prevented me from changing my avatar for the last 2 years
NEVER
I just like your pic.
In related news, I just learned that I have to rebuild the server infrastructure for our financial system that we’re getting updated by the vendor because a server that handles a minor function is one version of windows older than it needs to be because they said all our servers were compatible when we started. Computers were a mistake.
Sweet sassy molassy I do this for a living and I could barely follow that.
Found a funny:
teacher: what do you want to be when you grow up
me: happy
teacher: [on phone] we need to talk about your son’s unrealistic expectations
It has the look and feel of olympic hockey with NHL-style play. This is going to work very well if they don’t all die of the covid.
Just think of it as a Devils home game
COVID-19 would catch a disease if it went to Newark
One of my great regrets from a show I played at the Prudential Center was not stealing the zamboni. No, I have no idea how I would have gotten it from Newark to Queens, especially considering I had to drive someone else to the GW.
I’ve always said if I ever win a huge lottery I am building an ice rink and buying a couple of zamboni’s ( zambonii?)
Gumby and I will race all day!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JwC12ztJmY8
First DeSean raising some questions about The Jews. Now Jalen Mills is out there praising the psychotic anti-demon facebook doctor chick. Is this a uniquely Eagles thing or is the entire league going to out itself as fucking idiotic?
Yes.
WOOOOOOOooooooOOOOOooooo!!!!
“W? What’s that?” -O’rangers fans looking at that message
I am a hopeless cause, but Gumby and his Crazy Cat’s Eyes are right on your ass. Be afraid.
45 minutes until we do that hockey. Yo, as they say in my homeland, the Flyers.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WbcqdaEpNe4
Hello, Toronto.
Fuck the Flyers, but god damn Gritty is a national treasure.
International. They actually put that one on the way to Scotia Bank Arena.
Also lol Toronto for letting them
Finally some great work from the Hazers!
/puts hand to earpiece
I’ve just been told that 3 of the Hazers marbles have tested positive for COVID and are being transferred to the marble quarantine site in Des Moines. No word on replacement marbles being called up yet.
Man, that heartbreaker of a loss in the triathlon really sent Team Galactic into a tailspin. If they had pulled that out who knows what would have happened in the final.