Once again we’ve reached that long, dreary slog known as the NFL off-season.  We’re looking at 6 months with no football of any note, and yes I am fully aware of something called ‘the XFL.’  Much like the question of whether single people eat crackers I’m not sure it’s a real thing and even more sure that I don’t care to find out.

Now, I happen to like baseball even more than football

so I’ll be fine.  You also have play-off hockey to look forward.  Since the Whalers left I’ve never been all that sure when the play-offs started or ended, (frankly when the Whalers were in Hartford that wasn’t often a pertinent point either), but whenever it is it’s great.  There’s nothing like play-off hockey, and the Stanley Cup is as awesome as Gary Bettman is terrible.  Which is pretty frickin’ awesome.

BUT, some people aren’t going to be happy without football, and one of those people is our beloved Hippo, whose pill-addled musings usually occupy this space.  So, much like those children you thought you’d launched into adulthood, Monday Morning Mock Drafts is moving back in.  Get ready for all sorts of insane topics, petty arguments, multiple Blair Witch appearances, and several Mondays where I just forget I’m supposed to do this.  For $12 you get what you pay for.

This week’s topic comes from the fecund mind of Rikki-Tikki-Deadly, who suggested we draft “Johnnys.”  The rules are simple:  Your draft pick must contain some form of the name “John” in it.  Johnathan, Jon, Jonathan or the like are acceptable.  John Paul II is acceptable as a draft pick, or when you need someone to lead the Catholic Church back to the 50’s.

The 1650’s.

With that, let’s get this draft started.  Your commissioner is, of course, Jack Torrance.  He cannot be drafted because his name is Jack, which is not, in my opinion, dependent enough on John to count.  But his “here’s Johnny” is iconic and he’s got an axe, so fuck if I’m arguing with him.  Also he retains his independence and credibility by not being subject to being drafted, so there’s that.

RTD already gave me his pick, (back in December, so let’s hope he remembers it), so with the first pick in the draft he takes

Johnny Dangerously.

This is an excellent pick.  Also Marilu Henner in this film made younger Horatio’s pants uncomfortably tight.

With the second pick I take Johnny Depp

Because I can fix Amber Heard.

The rest of you are on the clock.  You know the rules:  Wait 10 picks or 30 minutes and then grab your John(son)!