[Walks up to podium, slight nod towards youse, adjusts microphone exasperatingly, grumbling atmosphere established]
Cough. Hi! Good evening. Yeah… I’m also bummed.
If only fortune granted us the treat of another NFL game and the witty, knowing, silly and hysterical scotchnaut pregame post. But–
🦺📢🚧OBVIOUS CRAP ALERT🚧📢🦺
–the 2022 season had to end sometime. Time is unstoppable, going forward with a determination much like the NFL’s flexing out Covid tests in late 2021 to maximize public playoff engagement. And, yeah: the 2021 Divisional Round was pure dynamite: the ritual SF playoff defeat of Q-Aron, the BUF @ KC OT game; RAMMMITTT besting Brady in Tampa, and Joe Burrow overcoming NINE SACKS to beat AFC top-seed TEN
2021 was the Titans year—but I digress. Better keep it in the present.
We are still in the 2022 NFL calendar year, which ends on March 15. That is a month and change after the ‘Perb Owl, typical NFL overreaching to further its grandiosity. The Owl carries the narrative through February, and then is bridged with Franchise or Transition tag designations (Feb. 21), and the rookie combine (Feb. 28 – March 6). By which time the Draft Content Concern overtakes the public consciousness, then the Fantasy Collusionatti starts to infiltrate until complete obliteration of MLB, NHL, and NBA coverage. Then sometime in late July training camps open and Pre-preseason ends. It’s a slog because there is no substitute for the NFL season.
The NFL season is the best of spectacles—incredible athletics with intricate strategy and…
waaaay abstract rule technicalities. Plus some violence is still allowed. Most who saw Lawrence Taylor and Steve Atwater play must feel shortchanged; the current QB strike zone is smaller and more arbitrary than the MLB strike zone.
It’s clear, to me, that the NFL will keep tinkering with the sport every offseason. That does not offend me. A game without automatic extra points and with 2-point conversions is more entertaining–for me. A downside of that tinkering could be fluky wins. Let’s say by the… The 2022 Vikings season (13-4). This is me right now, remembering having Justin Jefferson in FF and the biggest comeback in history against the Matt Ryan Clots.
Fact check: Frank Reich is only involved in the second biggest comeback in NFL history. So, if this is the chaos wrought by NFL tinkering, I say Satisfactory #👍🏻
Of course, celebrating the NFL is bad form. NFL brass is a cabal of late-capitalism caricatures whose any attempt at redemption must include kicking Dan Snyder out of the league ASAP, giving the players an even higher stake of league revenues, and keeping the salary cap socialist. Although, again (sorry), I must commend the NFL for their tireless effort to remind Bengal and Philly fans that Patrick Mahomes beat your teams getting a first down on a bum ankle—ok?
SPROTS TONITE
Painstakingly curated suggestions. All Times Central
La eNe Be A
All Star Game
Team Giannis vs. Team LeBron – 6:30 PM
Top Flight Fútbol
Secsi Mexi Clausura
First of all, adopt a Liga MX Team. That’s BoS & Fury’s dynamite guide to los equipos and the tournament. Liga MX plays a split tournament: Apertura, between August and December, and Clausura, between January and May. If you need a translation for clausura, you’re in good company. tWBS also had trouble with “closure”.
Club América hosts Tijuana – 7:05 PM
Per Balls:
Are you part of the Mexican Elite or desperately want to be? Do you think you can fix every problem by throwing money at it (it allegedly including referees)? Then this is the team for you! Truth be told, this is the winningest team of all time, so maybe there’s something to that approach…
Yeah, Club América is my team. It’s time for me to root for a team that wins SOMETHING.
América is fourth on the table and is riding a cromulent streak of three wins and a coupla empates. Meanwhile, Tijuana hired, for the second time, Miguel Herrera. Herrera, a famous gif,
, has the nickname “El Piojo”–literally, “The Head Lice” in English. Now, before you judge: we Hispanics use piojo with affection, usually to refer to someone small in stature, like a cute child. But I think English captures better Herrera’s essence: he’s prickly, starts becoming an annoyance and then BAM—full parasitism.
Sucking, however, would not be that catastrophic to Tijuana. Liga MX will not have relegation for the current Clausura. So the Xolos are free to emulate NFL teams of similar class. Perhaps Tijuana can be inspired by the Arizona Cardinals’ corporate culture of paying extravagantly for rot.
Pachuca hosts Toluca – 9:05 PM
Pachuca is the current champion and are currently in second place. They are coached by Uruguayan Guillermo Almada, who interviewed for the coach of the México national team, but was Bienemied. El Tri hired Argentinian Diego Cocca. (Fact check: Diego Maradona died on November 25, 2020.)
Toluca are nicknamed Los Diablos Rojos, although have yet to attract the Qatari dough currently tossed at their cross Atlantic namesakes. (Bof, Glazers and Cutter; talk about poisons.) Pachuca – Toluca is a rematch of last year’s final. The link is in Spanish, so click it to enjoy the most beautiful of languages (close second: Lisp).
Argentina – Clausura
Talleres (Córdoba) hosts Central Córdoba – 6:30 PM
A Córdoba derby, which is pronounced like “darkie” in englen.
Yeah… Rounding that half diss into a cutting comment proved too much. Imma bail from the bit.
Sincerely,
never.
Independiente hosts Defensa y Justicia – 6:30 PM
Defense and Justice—wait: an Argie fútbol club named like a white paper for fascist rule?
Independiente sits at 18th in the table, which is technically in the middle of the 28-team sardine can that is the Argentinian top flight table. None of these teams face relegation, unless they piss off the right people.
FINALLY,
I had a bone to pick with the NFL since before the start of this season. NFL Sum, its streaming app for games, would be available in the United States AND overseas BUT not in United States territories. Getting in on the 2022 preseason Hate Bus was Paramount plus sign and CBS, for also not being available in Puerto Rico through streaming. So keeping up with the 2022 Titans required… alternative streaming, hoping Red Zone turned into Skinemax and shows some Tits (fat chance), or keeping up through cellphone play-by-play text gamecasts and letting my imagination color the punishing Derrick Henry 2-yard runs on 1 & 2 down, and daydreaming that the 3rd down incompletions were thrown to a double-covered A.J. Brown.
Of course, having been raised in the ‘70s by tough-love parents, my inner voice said “Psht. Stop yer cryin’. Just get DirecTV again.”
So in the middle of the 2022 season, I started to do the unthinkable—that’s right, normal people shit on Sundays, like a schnook. The way I figured, the NFL doesn’t want my business, see ya. Same with Titans game radio broadcasts: unavailable in my area, eh? Well I hope you and the Grand Ole Opry get fucked and then be forced to travel to Massachussetts for a hush hush abortion.
In the meantime, I went to restaurants, movies, markets, hangs with non-sportsfans, saw tv shows, and even went to museums, and furniture shops AND outlets. I did everything short of reading, because, I mean, tch.
Reading? During the NFL season? C’mon. Now that the NFL season is over, maybe… pick up a book?
Have a great week, sickos.
Banner via Bridges of Hope Rehab.com, gifs via giphy.com
Self portrait day. I’m one of these people.
Teddy Bruschi still looking pretty good in the middle there
Close, but WRONG!
Twice wrong, really. That’s not Ted and that’s not me.
Right
Cheater!
Dude on the left can’t fit into a Porsche
That reminds me that I haven’t shared my latest waste of piles of money.
Buying NFTs of someone else’s Porsche is your own damn fault.
Are there apes in the front seat? That’s an NFT right?
It’s all just tubes, anyway.
Tought, but fair.
Tough. Dammit.
Most of you won’t understand this, but here’s the deal. In the top pic, the rear bumper is broken near the left exhaust pipe. Also that exhaust pipe is out of position due to an off course excursion last year that pushed it forward. Also, all GT3 pcars after the 996 had a center exit exhaust, even the 996 cup car (race car version) had it. So I decided to fix all of this by going to a proper center exit exhaust.
Anyway, here’s when I broke that first bumper.
https://vimeo.com/462258637
Holy shit!
Also, for those not aware, Porsche 911 cars have build codes
911 (1964–1989)
930 (1975–1989) the turbocharged version
964 (1989–1994)
993 (1995–1998) the last air-cooled 911
996 (1999–2004) all-new body and water-cooled engines
997 (2005–2012)
991 (2012–2019) all-new body
992 (2019–)
Also, I jumped once!
https://vimeo.com/186216382
https://vimeo.com/725076200
This is far more mesmerizing.
I would also like to remind everyone these mistakes are rare! This is my most recent not wrecking video!
https://vimeo.com/699914162
I want to see wrecks
Did you watch the Daytona 500?
I just don’t do that enough. Here’s a spin?
https://vimeo.com/220256494
I almost did that here. Close to you no less!
https://vimeo.com/158119633
Here’s someone trying to wreck!
https://vimeo.com/124904402
Here’s my grenading my cayman!
https://vimeo.com/278872518
was this lube oil starvation?
Correct. Left a huge streak of oil and metal bits up that hill.
Forgot that I needed that extra oil fortification for the car on track. This was its fourth day on track.
*me
Fuck you jjfozz
This is were I almost died. Mere months after I bought this death machine.
https://vimeo.com/77310454
*where
This should have way more +1s for 3 reasons:
1) Anyone that spins there hits a wall. Watch again and see how little runoff room is three. As you may notice I did not hit either of those walls. You’re welcome.
2) I was booking. Dude in front of me was driving an Audi R8 on actual race tires. I was in street Pcar with lesser tires and right on his ass. Admittedly I overdrove that corner and spun, but I was right there dammit!
3) It’s a pro move to do a 360 and put it right back in gear and go. Also, you all got the bonus of my nonchalant whistling.
You got my plus 1. I’m sure if others were awake, you’d get more.
I’m working in my studio creating achievements so I just check in occasionally, but I watch them all.
I would like to further pontificate on this video. What you see here is a nominal street car (the one I’m driving and the POV of the video) chasing an actual Audi R8 race car. Clearly the race car is being driven by a driver of lacking talent. Otherwise, he would disappear after a few corners. Because he didn’t, my ego grew three sizes and chased him so he would have to eat it and point me by. Unfortunately, and this is key, I adopted his slow tendencies. If you look closely you’ll see that I started braking before the downhill slope. If you know any physics you’ll know that doing so will result in all the car’s weight will transfer to the front tires. And indeed, that’s exactly what happened. As I was not driving straight (I was still moving left) that meant the rest kept moving left, which pulled the rest of the car left and off track. As soon as 1 or 2 tires (2 in this case) drop off the track, you lose all traction. This was a heavy braking zone with a tight turn afterwards. So I was in a situation where I couldn’t brake and as a result couldn’t slow down enough to turn. Aa a result you saw what happened. I got the car back on the track, put both feet in (brake and clutch), and yanked the wheel.
In hindsight, I shouldn’t have turned the wheel. I would have been way better off going straight off. But I didn’t have enough experience at that time to know better. And even then, I don’t know if I’d cater to that knowledge versus the reaction impulse.
Look how cute you are!
I’m blushing!
Self portrait 2/19/23
Aspen is gorgeous this time of year.
Oh hey, I might get my shit together this week and send you your package.
Package?
You’ve had it already. I can share.
Is this a Slack thing?
Oh man, things are way more wild on there.
Oooh that is exciting. I love the exchanges. Like a boozy and snacky special occasion!
That beachfront mansion out there is actually a public restroom.
Todd Marinovich has been using as such for decades.
That’s Dockweiler it’s gangbanger beach at night
My old walking grounds.
Picture grades by category:
Location: A
Focus: A
Environment; A
Framing: F
Pan right next time newb. Also, ditch the CB old timer.
That’s no CB that’s a scanner tuned to the FAA frequencies for SoCal Approach, SoCal Departure, and LAX Tower. In fact, LAX is directly behind the camera and planes take off right over this beach. I don’t usually have it on but when I do it’s always entertaining (this is the busiest airspace in the world by volume).
Most interesting man in the clubhouse.
I mean ORD, DFW, DEN, and ATL are busier than LAX, but I agree with the rest.
No one ever mentions Midway 🙁
They aren’t surrounded by twelve other airports and three major airbases. SoCal is busiest airspace by volume, New York the densest.
Settle down, nerd.
I have a scanner and do VFX. My nerd cred is high.
You’ve got your Long Beach, your Burbank, your John Wayne Orange County, Ontario, Palmdale, Van Nuys, Santa Monica, Hawthorne, Zamperini, San Diego, Miramar, Edwards AFB, China Lake, March Fiel…zzzzzzzzzzzzz
Add them all together and you have the square root of shit all
Add them all together it spells:
H-O-L-L-Y-W-O-O-D-L-A-N-D
Speaking of Long Beach, did you hear that the Worthington family sold Cal’s last dealership there? The new signage is going up on the first. End of an era, for sure.
I’ve lived here 25 years but I really only heard about Cal Worthington before that because Johnny Carson would always joke about him. Kind of like the Slauson Cutoff.
No way! Definitely end of an era!
Cal bent me over sideways with a 1990 Plymouth Acclaim. He knows what he did and I’ll never forgive him for it.
And fuck his dog Spot!
Although I can’t see straight, I can still type straight. Suck it jjfozz!
Oh, and this.
https://twitter.com/RonFilipkowski/status/1627499401336823808?s=20
Seems like true love.
She looks like she’s counting down the minutes until he chokes to death on a baby back rib bone.
He can do better than that.
My thoughts exactly.
He’s only 58, he just looks like Hitchcock’s corpse.
From his Wikipedia page…
In September 2000, Kidan, along with American lobbyist Jack Abramoff, acquired SunCruz Casinos.[6]
In 2005, conspiracy charges were brought against Kidan in connection to SunCruz Casinos sale.[11] On December 15, 2005, he pleaded guilty to fraud and conspiracy charges; as part of a plea bargain, four other felony counts against him were dropped.[6][12] In March 2006, Kidan was sentenced to five years and 10 months in prison, the same sentence as Abramoff.[13] He served 31 months in prison before being paroled in 2009.[14]
In 2010, Kidan was subpoenaed to testify in the conspiracy trial of former House Majority Leader Tom DeLay, for whom he had once been a major fundraiser, concerning DeLay’s personal relationship with Abramoff.[15][16]
Between 2012 and 2018, Kidan was the chairman of Chartwell Staffing.[17]
I like the other version better
He’s only 58, he just looks like Hitchcock’s corpse.
From his Wikipedia page…
In September 2000, Kidan, along with American lobbyist Jack Abramoff, acquired SunCruz Casinos.[6]
In 2005, conspiracy charges were brought against Kidan in connection to SunCruz Casinos sale.[11] On December 15, 2005, he pleaded guilty to fraud and conspiracy charges; as part of a plea bargain, four other felony counts against him were dropped.[6][12] In March 2006, Kidan was sentenced to five years and 10 months in prison, the same sentence as Abramoff.[13] He served 31 months in prison before being paroled in 2009.[14]
In 2010, Kidan was subpoenaed to testify in the conspiracy trial of former House Majority Leader Tom DeLay, for whom he had once been a major fundraiser, concerning DeLay’s personal relationship with Abramoff.[15][16]
Between 2012 and 2018, Kidan was the chairman of Chartwell Staffing.[17]
Women ALWAYS going for the bad boys smdhgh
The nuptials were at Mar-A-Largo, you say?
Tom Delay? For Blink 182?
I would just study harder and pass the US citizenship test, but I guess her way is cool too.
Hearing a disturbing number of (non Canadians) don’t have tomorrow off from work. What’s the status in the clubhouse?
Off tomorrow for “Family Day”. Aka it’s a long time between New Year’s and Easter so here’s a random day off
It’s one of those quasi-holidays where I’m actually still not sure what we’re doing. My tentative plan is to show up at the office in the morning and then declare I’m going to “work from home” for the afternoon.
Gonna spend the day admiring Abraham Lincoln and sternly respecting James Buchannan.
“Ooh, that’s it, disrespect me sternly, SIR!” — Buchanan
Ulysses S. Grant: Great general, lousy President
/Creedence Clearwater Revival intensifies
Grant inspired Barry Switzer to later drink his way to the top, too.
No holiday for me. Was pleasantly surprised to get MLK Day off, so I’m not complaining (much).
I am a federal following employee, I do not get it off tomorrow so I took a personal day. Going to the zoo then takin the fam to a brewery.
Off tomorrow.
This is pretty goddamn funny.
Wade Phillips is coaching in the XFL.
“YEEEEEEHAAAAAaaaawwwwww SOMEONE LET THAT FATTY COACH AGAIN? THEY MUST BE FUCKING CRAZY!” -Ol’DubbleJ
Wade Phillips is the best example that being an outstanding coordinator is no guarantee of being even a marginally good head coach. They are vastly different jobs.
/Mike Martz has entered the chat
Wooo! It’s official:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2023_Ohio_train_derailment
Been using that dill simple syrup I made recently to concoct variations on the Tom Collins. Which is something I don’t drink often but a solid and refreshing option. Also a decent choice when you don’t know how good the bar/bartender are, because it can conceal a lot of sins — even with cheap gin and bottled lemon juice, it’s at least “quaffable” as they say.
Have you had it with Hendricks gin?
Went back and read the Liga MX primer again; I’m abandoning the Pumas for a Monterrey team. Does the clubhouse have any Monterrey or UANL (heh) fans?
Puebla hasta que me muera.
I really like Tigres and specially Gignac. If Toluca wasn’t my team, I’d pick them.
Ok then to be Yooneek I’ll take Monterrey. Thanks!
Quick hand on the dump button for the mic’d up players!
I have been a Seattle Sea Dragons fan since their debut. GO SD!
(The SD stands for Sea Dragons as opposed to San Diego who does not have a football team for some reason.)
SD squared
Did I ever tell yinz Jim Haslett was Gumby’s fraternity brother?
I don’t remember reading that…any really embarrassing stuff?
No, he was a senior, and already knew he was going to get drafted, so he was on his best behavior. Unlike the rest of them. The place was Animal House, only not nearly as classy. They lost their charter for a few years after they threw a pledge out a third story window.
It was John Carney thrown out of that window, right?
Probably not two famous guys at IUP! Although, when Gumby was there Lisa somebodyoranother wrote the Preppie Handbook, where she ranked schools for various things, and IUP had the ugliest men!
We watched “Your place or mine” last night with Reese Witherspoon and Ashton Kutcher. It’s a hallmark movie with A list actor’s. The pace of it makes a glacier look quick. Save yourself 2 hours and do like anything else like watching paint dry or the tv test screen.
You did this on purpose, or was the remote lost in the couch cushions?
Wife and kids wanted to watch it.
And it was family movie night so couldn’t leave
I don’t know whether to call you a “hero” or “war crime survivor.”
Cruel and unusual punishment
Thanks to the ongoing home renovations we have an abundance of power tools, and I would use one of those to cut off my dick before sitting through that.
We watched it. When my wife asked what the worst part was, i said the acting.
I thought the acting was good, just no plot
Incorrect on the first point, and there was a plot but it was dumb. She’s the girl awed by the big city! Bitch, she came from Los Angeles, not Bumfuck, Arkansas.
Josh Gordon is in the XFL. This has been your XFL update for tonight.
I love it when you talk Argie fútbol.
Muy bueno.
My sausage shopping completed, it’s now donut time.
This is not only my first time having a vaunted maple bar, it’s also my first time ever actually patronizing the L.A.landmark Randy’s Donuts, even though I’ve driven past it many times. (I prefer the spelling as “Do-Nut” because I like old-timey stuff)
Randy’s gigantic Do-Nut was always light-brown plain cake colored, but in the fall it suddenly turned dark-brown chocolate cake colored. It’s back to beige. There are several other giant Do-Nuts in the So-Cal area, including one I believe you can drive through.
I bought what they call a “Maple Long John.” Is this the right thing?
I guess I shouldn’t have eaten two Glazed Old Fashioneds and a Plain Cake Do-Nut before I tried the Maple thing. It tasted terrible and now I’m pretty dizzy.
I believe that’s called a sugar overdose. Better call Wilford Brimley.
Get this man some insulin! Or whatever the opposite of insulin is, I’m not sure which one is appropriate here!
“Sausage shopping” has me giggling like a sixth grader!
Is that what you girls called going to the high school dances?
Was Guam also thusly affected?
Poor Guamians. Or are they Guammy Bears?
Guam isn’t anywhere close to Puerto Rico buddy; you’re thinking of American Samoa.
you’re both wrong; it was Rand McNally.
No, he said that US territories were affected by this in the original post. Guam has been a US Territory since 1898.
A U.S. Overseas Territory has the same status, no matter where it is geographically located.
I was told by a Guamanian coworker that Guamanian is correct. Seems kinda weird going from one syllable to four, but Guamanians gonna Guam.
It’s definitely Guamanian. We lived in a very sketchy neighborhood in Bremerton WA in the 80’s. Gumby’s sub went to the yard to decom, and unfortunately for us an aircraft carrier got there a couple of months ahead of us, so all of the decent apartments were gone. Ours was full of Guamanians, who were of a decidedly criminal bent. Gumby invited their leader, a scary looking dude named Juan, over for a beer, showed him his 357 magnum, and politely suggested that Juan tell his boys our shit was off limits. He thought it was funny, and we never had any problems with them.
Thankfully Gumby didn’t refer to Juan as a Guammy Bear. I would have been a goner.
Gumby’s sub went to the yard to decom
TIL Gumby is a dom
Thanks for the knowledge. Sadly, my hope that it was Guammy Bear is dashed.
The good old days:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t8JN5Rcrm0Q
well go watch it on YouTube if you like Jim McMahon
Can you get Youtube Tv down there in paradiso? Because starting this upcoming season, they have snatched Sunday Ticket from the slavering jaws of DirectTv. They sent me an email promising discounts for early subscribers, which I’m sure is a despicable lie, but I’m going to subscribe anyway!
Thanks for the suggestion. I was hyped at no more DirecTV.
I’d still subscribe to Red Zone. It’s too much fun.
What a bunch of bad at geography buttfaces!
No kidding!
Boooooooo!
Should have a rotating paper towel roll gif
Oh darn. You’ll just have to use illicit streams and pay nothing.
Last Wednesday I officially dumped DirecTV and am now a YouTube TV subscriber. Still figuring out the getting around commercials going but it’s 100 bucks cheaper than the satellite guys.
I love it. When they play commercials, there’s a thing that says skip ads for a moment of zen. Click on it, they are very pretty!
FYI folks…
“Do I need to subscribe to YouTube TV to get Sunday Ticket? No. Google will offer Sunday Ticket in two ways. One will be an add-on for YouTube TV, the company’s existing live TV streaming service that currently costs $65 per month and is designed for cord-cutters who don’t subscribe to cable TV.
If you don’t want to sign up for YouTube TV, however, you will still be able to get Sunday Ticket through YouTube Primetime Channels
YouTube TV has offered the NFL Network and the RedZone channel — the league’s whip-around channel that bounces between games on Sundays — since 2020 as an $11-per-month add-on.
(NFL SUnday Ticket) will not be free or even simply included in the base $65 per month YouTube TV package. “There will be a price for Sunday Ticket,” Brent Lawton, vice president of media strategy and business development at the NFL, said in a call with reporters Thursday afternoon.
The NFL and Google have not announced how much Sunday Ticket will cost next season, but you will have to pay some type of subscription fee. In the press release announcing the deal, the league says that Sunday Ticket will be available as “an add-on package on YouTube TV and standalone a-la-carte on YouTube Primetime Channels.”
Lawton says that pricing will be “at YouTube’s discretion” though he noted that “there is sort of a pathway to create some different bundles down the road.” What those bundles might look like or how much they will cost, however, remains unclear. ”
https://www.cnet.com/tech/services-and-software/nfl-sunday-ticket-and-youtube-8-things-football-fans-should-know/