Interviewer: Hello, thank you for calling Illegal Aid, how can I help you?

Caller: Hi! I’m so glad I got through, I was on the line forever.

Interviewer: Oh, well I’m sorry to hear that. We do have a lot of people looking for help, and sometimes it can take a while to get through. What can I help you with?

Caller: I need help robbing a bank. There’s a three-inch steel vault door and–

Interviewer: I’m sorry to cut you off. I just want to make sure I heard you correctly. Did you say you’re going to rob a bank?

Caller: Yeah.

Interviewer: Okay, great! That’s something we may be able to help you with. I’ll get all of the details from you here in a few minutes, but first of all, what county are you in?

Caller: Well, I’m in Houston.

Interviewer: Oh, okay, probably Harris County. Well, I’m sorry. Unfortunately, that is out of our service area.

Caller: What do you mean?

Interviewer: You’ll have to call Texas Gulf Coast Illegal Aid. They handle crimes in that area. If you give me a moment, I can get you the number. Do you mind holding?

Caller: No.

Interviewer: Great, just a minute. [punches mute] Hey, what’s the number for Texas Gulf Coast?

Supervisor: It’s 1-800-555-2323.

Interviewer: Thanks! [punches mute] It’s 1-800-555-2323. Good luck with your robbery! [hangs up, picks up again] Hello, thank you for calling Illegal Aid, how can I help you?

Caller: Yeah, hi, I need some help, hopefully you can help me.

Interviewer: Well, all right, what county are you in?

Caller: San Saba County.

Interviewer: Great, sounds like you’ve called the right place. And can you tell me briefly, without getting into too many of the details, what you’d like our help with?

Caller: I need to commit some auto insurance fraud.

Interviewer: All right, I’m going to need to check on something for that. Do you mind if I put you on hold?

Caller: Okay, that’s fine.

Interviewer: Great, just a second. [punches mute] Hey, I’ve got another one of those auto insurance fraud things.

Supervisor: Yeah, that’s going to be a conflict of interest. We’re already helping all the insurance companies.

Interviewer: Right, thanks. [punches mute] Hey, I’m sorry, but my supervisor says we’ve got a conflict of interest. You see, the laws governing the Illegal Services Corporation prevent us from taking on clients with adverse interests.

Caller: Well, you’re Illegal Aid. Can’t you just break those laws?

Interviewer: [punches mute] Fucking smartass. [punches mute] I’m afraid not. I’m sorry we weren’t able to help you, but good luck with your fraudulent claim and have a great day! [hangs up, picks up again] Hello, thank you for calling Illegal Aid, how can I help you?

Caller: My landlord is threatening to evict me. He says I’m behind on my rent, but I’ve been paying every month on the first. Can you guys help me out?

Interviewer: Very possibly! We get a lot of cases like this. What county are you in?

Caller: I’m in Bell County.

Interviewer: Great! Now, for eligibility purposes, I need to know about your household income.

Caller: Well, I make eleven bucks an hour. I work forty hours a week. Is… is that all you need?

Interviewer: Fantastic. It looks like we’ll be able to get you some help, or at least some advice. Now, how would you like your landlord killed?

Caller: What?

Interviewer: For example, would you like him shot? Hanged? Would you like a pipe bomb placed in his office?

Caller: …

Interviewer: Decapitated? Poisoned? Decapitated and then poisoned?

Caller: …

Interviewer: Hit by a car?

Caller: …

Interviewer: Are you still there?

Caller: Uh, I just wanted a lawyer.

Interviewer: Oh, right!  You need Legal Aid. You’ve called Illegal Aid. [punches mute] Hey, what’s the number for Legal Aid?

Supervisor: It’s 1-800-555-6000.

Interviewer: Thanks! [punches mute] You’ll want to call Legal Aid at 1-800-555-6000. Thank you for calling Illegal Aid, and please forget you ever talked to us!

[A police officer enters, followed by another man.]

Officer: [to interviewer] Would you mind stepping away from your desk for a moment?

Interviewer: What’s this about, officer? I’m not doing anything wrong. This is an Illegal Aid office! All of this is perfectly illegal!

Officer: I’m not here about your work. I understand you’ve been repeatedly assaulting this gentleman without the slightest provocation on his part. Isn’t that right, sir?

Other Man: [nods, smiles, waves, pantomimes being trapped in a box]