At a Washington DC office with Rooms to Go couches and light yellow walls with pictures of socialist ideologues scattered among Hall of Famers. A phone rings:

Camille: NFLPA headquarters this is Camille how may I—sir. Sir! Mr. Goodell!

Via Very Smart Brothas

Roger Goodell: Dee. DEE!!!!

Goes to door, looks at numbers written on palm, presses buttons

Goodell: *mumbling* Eight, four, se…

beep beep BEEEEEEEEEEP

Door pushed ajar, Goodell enters. DeMaurice Smith sits a huge IKEA plastic desk, pruning a mango bonsai

Via Skillsoft

DeMaurice Smith: Roger? Pop-in, no call?

Goodell: We gotta talk. Listen moth…

Smith: Roger. Please! Have a seat.

Goodell: It’s filed. The Brady appeal.

Smith: Oh. A call would’ve sufficed.

Goodell: Tch, that was the ice breaker. Listen: this can’t go on. I took a bullet for 31 teams, against the…

Slamming his palm on the desk per syllable

Goodell: *plet* God *plet* Damn *plet* World *plet* Champ—

Smith: Now now. Easy on that “World” shit. You haven’t come through with—

Goodell: You know New England cheats. Everybody knows it. The team suspended those two texting skells. Do you know if the Pats rehired them?

Smith: Can’t say I’ve uh, followed those uh… *looks at watch* developmentss…

Goodell: Brady cheated. You know it. Hell, WE know it.

Smith: Ha! More probable than not “general awareness”? C’mon. That’s the best $3 million can do?

Goodell: We had the science and the others’ texts. And Brady hid and then destroyed his phone. There’s gotta be consequences for hindering the investigation and disobeying an order to produce the phone.

Smith: Order? Oh Roger…

Opens drawer, hands Goodell 40-page booklet with gold-leaf cornered individual pages

Smith: Wells did not say to Brady he’d be punished for not turning over the phone. It’s on  page 24.

Goodell: So what? If he doesn’t have anything to hide he should have given us the phone.

Smith: *Chortle* Us. Remember when you said that the investigation was independent? It never was; Jeff Pash, your legal lieutenant, contributed to the Wells report. The same report you were supposed to examine, with an open mind, when it was finished. And you denied Brady the opportunity to interrogate Pash. Page 34, man.

Goodell: You know we’ll win on appeal. The league is not the government. It’s a private workplace. You gotta surrender everything we ask for. *Reclines in chair, crosses leg* Playing for the NFL is a privilege, not a right. We both know that.

Smith: *Chuckles* Gimme your phone.

Goodell: Take it! Password’s 6969.

Smith: *Takes phone* Nice wallpaper by the way.

Via Science2.0

Smith: Where’s the apps? OK there we go. Voicemail from *looking up toward Goodell* “Dad”? From 2014?

Goodell: That’s private man. I didn’t think you’d—

Woman: NFL, sponsor our sponsors! How can I help you?

Throaty Guy: Did you get the tape from the elevator?

Goodell snatches phone, knocks bonsai from desk

Goodell: That was a recreation regarding the Ray Rice investigation. We didn’t know about the elevator video back then.

Smith: Kevin! Come here.

Goodell: *Snorts* Hey, at least I punished Rice. What did the DA do?

Smith: …

Goodell: *looking at Smith, nodding*

Smith: *Scratches right ankle*

Harvard lawyer scurries in, takes bonsai from floor, walks away.

Smith: Thanks Kev.

Goodell: I take a stand. Kraft was my friend and I didn’t care—

BEEEEEEEEEEP Door Flies Open

Via BleacherReport

Robert Kraft: Dee! *sing-song-y* I got something fooor youu…

Kraft enters room with a gift-wrapped box, sees Goodell

Kraft: HAHAHA HA HA. Didn’t know Code Red was here. ‘Sup Red. Oh don’t get up on account of me. Read anything crucifying latel—

Kraft hands Smith the box

Goodell: Fuck. You.

Smith: Listen, we’re all capitalist pigs here. Let’s keep it cordial.

Kraft: So Red, you wanted the favor of 30 haters and Mike Brown? You got what was coming to ya’ boy.

Goodell: Don’t “boy” me, Robert. You know I couldn’t give you a pass for this.

Kraft: Pffffftt. Yeah, you didn’t and we, THE TEAM paid. But Brady… Players mess with balls, they get fined, Roger. FINED, not suspended. That’s the rules! It’s here on page…

Kraft reaches into pants pocket, rubs genitals with platinum-covered booklet, takes it out and gives it to Goodell

Kraft: Uh, page 30.

Kraft: And suspended for a quarter of the season. That’s waaaay arbitrary and sanctimonious, even for you.

Goodell: These meats *pointing at Smith* gave me power supreme. What the hell am I supposed to do with that? Be discerning AND wise? That’s neither possible nor fun!

Smith: Yeah *smirks* And it’s gone gangbusters Roger. Peterson and Hardy got paid last year and will play this season. Look at Paul Tagliabue.

Points to picture on wall 

Via  YouTube

Smith: Even your predecessor thought the Bountygate punishment was excessive. You’ve been consistently creamed on appeals. Creamed! *laughs*

Kraft: *Frowning, to Smith* You could not foresee this here Commissioner screw up continually on discipline. You are not that smart, Dee.

Smith sinks in chair, gets up quickly

Smith: Gentlemen, I’m due at a bris by eleven. So… *clasps hands*

Goodell: Both of you disgust me. The fans deserved the truth. We can’t issue subpoenas. I’m fighting for the game’s integrity, and you, YOU, talk to me about the unfairness of the process? That’s what guilty people do!

Smith: Roger, we’ve been through this. Punishment can only be imposed under clear rules set BEFORE any infraction.

Kraft: Hell, even the Romans knew that elementary piece of fairness.

Smith: You can’t revise the norms to fit your whims or compensate for lack of facts. And hey, when you say to someone “Give me the rope I’m gonna hang you with, but only if you wanna”, you cannot gun him down Hitler-in-Inglorious-Basterds style for declining that request.

Kraft: Yeah Red, c’mon. We don’t do tyranny: we’re Americans! And remember that *catches Smith’s eyes* what you do to Tom, you do to any, practice squad lifer, that is…

Smith mouth words “that is not vested, and earns…”

Kraft: …not vested, and earns, the league minimum.

Goodell: I deride your truth-handling abilities. Come Robert, let’s go talk to some lobbyists. I need some human touch.

Goodell and Kraft exit the office. Smith opens gift from Kraft, smiles.

Smith: Camille!

BEEEEEEEEEP Door opens.

Camille: Yes?

Smith gets up, gives her the gift, both walk to the door

Smith: Please put this on the entrance.

Via Amazon

Door flies closed.

Top photos via Boston Herald and Sportress of Blogitude