We had our first push of the year! This was thanks to Cincinnati waiting until late in the game to play well and then ultimately win it in OT by a field goal. I’m sure our Fearless Leader will take it, considering his other pick didn’t pan out. WhyEaglesWhy and I had overall winning weeks while King Hippo started off strong, but was let down by, once again, the Raiders.
Serves you right. Oh well. On to the next batch of games!
Balls of Steel
This week, I was looking at the early lines and nothing sticks out for me. The obvious favorites look like they should win. Some are on the road, though, which makes it more difficult. Will they cover or will they, as assumed, blow the shitty teams away? Too hard to tell. This feels like one of those weeks where sometimes I’ll talk myself into picks just because I’m in Vegas and I feel I HAVE TO.
Luckily, I’m not in Vegas. No picks from me this week. UPDATE: I’ve taken a second look at the lines. The only game that looks halfway doable is Tennessee minus -2 against the shitty Dolphins. Do I trust a rookie QB against a team that just fired its coach, is coming off a bye, and is playing at home? FUCK and NO. Not touching that one. Still no picks from me.
WhyEaglesWhy
Last week I was two out of three in picking teams to implode. The exception was my own Eagles, which makes last week the best week ever. So this week, I’ll probably lose all my bets and the Giants will disembowel the Eagles on MNF.
This week I kinda like a few teams. I kinda like the Bears, i kinda like the [*Redacted] s, and I kinda like the Panthers. But just read that sentence…those are the ravings of a crazy person. So this is what you get:
Patriots -7.5 over COLTS – Seriously? This is like Christmas. I would have bet this if the line was anything under 14. Stakes: $22 to win $20.
Giants +4.5 over EAGLES – So let me get this straight. I can pick the team that has the better record, has played better, and has the better QB, and you’ll give me 4.5 points for my troubles? Thanks! Stakes: $11 to win $10.
DTZM
I enjoyed the hell out of that push. Given that both of my picks were meant specifically to jinx teams that had thwarted me previously, I think I was fairly successful. Anyone wanting me to pick their team to win, I’ll pick against them. GAY-RON-TEED.
Carolina +7 Over SEATTLE – Hey, odds makin’ guys – Seattle kind of sucks. This is not a great team. From Jimmy Graham just being another guy who won’t block to Beast Mode gettin’ paid and taking a sit down to DangeRuss’s bubbles to Pete’s monocle this team just isn’t playing well. Super Bowl loss hangover? Sure. Carolina is coming off of their bye week rested and ready. Cam’s wall of bruises have faded a bit. Also, they’re undefeated. I say that continues. $11 to win $10
I agree with WEW on Pats/Colts – that’s like stealing. So I’ll skip it. We’ll take PITTSBURGH +3 Over Arizona. I’m going a little on blind faith here. It’s in Pittsburgh. Ben could possibly play. Arians is coming into town. I think the Football Pirates kick around the Cardinals, not just because I hate the Gridbirds for leaving me when I was a kid, but for real reasons. I think the Stillers get revenge for Dance Mom’s indictment for tax evasion and fraud. Risking $11 for $10.
King Hippo
Much like sex, I just keep getting worse at this. Unlike sex, I keep getting more chances to fail! Also unlike sex, I feel strongly about my prospects this weekend, because I am highly el stupido with my gambling endorphins.
Patriots -7.5 at COLTS. I am absolutely, positively going the fuck to sleep when the Red Zone TD montage ends. New England is gonna beat the absolute monkeyfuck out of these hapless, lucky, fat humps. Warm up your comfort tubs of gravy early and often, Indy fans. Grumblelord and Dreamboat are coming in hard and repeatedly, and they don;t believe in teh lube or foreplay. Bet $44 to win $40.
SAINTS +3.5 vs. Falcons. Doubling down on my absolute disbelief in the dirty birds. They are the most fraudulent 5-0 team in the history of footy, non-JV edition. Washington had them drawn and quartered last week (in ATL, no less), but for the herp and derp and derp some more of Kirk Cousins. Even an old as dirt and injured Breesus Christ should be plenty to finish the job. Shit, even the lesser McCown would suffice. MANY FANTASY POINTS for Mr. Snead, please. Bet $33 to win $30.
Panthers +7 at SEAHAWKS. Muthafucka, this ain’t 2013-14. Seattle is an average football team at best, and the Panthers might just be a legitimate contender. I hate betting 6.5 point spreads, because you just know that extra half point is Vegas luring you in. Bet $22 to win $20. UPDATE: Since the initial writing and my final edits once the lines went final, spread grew to a full, stupid seven! No doubt in honor of the famous Bush Push, as surely discussed in detail in the USC footbaw 30 for 30 sitting in my DVR, waiting for me to pay it some loving attention. I could use an editor, my sentence structure is fucking garbage. But you plebians get what you’ns pay fer.
Updated tables:
Name Balls of Steel Initial Bankroll: 200
| Pick # | Favorite | Underdog | Line | Wager | Winner? | Winnings | Bankroll Balance |
| 1 | San Diego |
Detroit | 3 | 11 | Y | 10.00 | 210.00 |
| 2 | Minnesota | San Francisco | 2.5 | 11 | N | -11.00 | 199.00 |
| 3 | Tennessee | Cleveland | 1 | 11 | N | -11.00 | 188.00 |
| 4 | Philadelphia | Dallas | 5.5 | 11 | Y | 10.00 | 198.00 |
| 5 | NY Jets | Philly | 2.5 | 11 | Y | 10.00 | 208.00 |
| 6 | Indianapolis | Tennessee | 3 | 11 | Y | 10.00 | 218.00 |
| 7 | Oakland | Chicago | 3 | 11 | N | -11.00 | 207.00 |
| 8 | Buffalo | Tennessee | 2.5 | 11 | Y | 10.00 | 217.00 |
| 9 | Kansas City | Chicago | 9 | 11 | Y | 10.00 | 227.00 |
| 10 | Green Bay | St. Louis | 9 | 11 | N | -11.00 | 216.00 |
| 11 |
Name WhyEaglesWhy Initial Bankroll: 200
| Pick # | Favorite | Underdog | Line | Wager | Winner? | Winnings | Bankroll Balance |
| 1 | Denver | Baltimore | 4.5 | 11 | N | -11.00 | 189.00 |
| 2 | Houston | Kansas City | 1 | 11 | Y | 10.00 | 199.00 |
| 3 | Carolina | Houston | 3 | 11 | N | -11.00 | 188.00 |
| 4 | NY Giants | Atlanta | 3 | 11 | Y | 10.00 | 198.00 |
| 5 | Philadelphia | Dallas | 5.5 | 11 | Y | 10.00 | 208.00 |
| 6 | Cleveland | Oakland | 3.5 | 11 | Y | 10.00 | 218.00 |
| 7 | Miami | Buffalo | 3 | 11 | Y | 10.00 | 228.00 |
| 8 | Oakland | Chicago | 3 | 11 | N | -11.00 | 217.00 |
| 9 | Philadelphia | New Orleans | 4.5 | 11 | N | -11.00 | 206.00 |
| 10 | Arizona | Detroit | 2.5 | 22 | Y | 20.00 | 226.00 |
| 11 | Houston | Indianapolis | 1 | 11 | Y | 10.00 | 236.00 |
| 12 | New England | Indianapolis | 7.5 | 22 | -22.00 | 214.00 | |
| 13 | Philadelphia | NY Giants | 4.5 | 11 | -11.00 | 203.00 |
Name King Hippo Initial Bankroll: 200
| Pick # | Favorite | Underdog | Line | Wager | Winner? | Winnings | Bankroll Balance |
| 1 | Green Bay | Chicago | 7 | 22 | N | -22.00 | 178.00 |
| 2 | Cincinnati | Oakland | 3 | 11 | N | -11.00 | 167.00 |
| 3 | New England | Buffalo | 1 | 55 | Y | 50.00 | 217.00 |
| 4 | New England | Jacksonville | 13.5 | 11 | N | -11.00 | 206.00 |
| 5 | Seattle | Chicago | 14.5 | 11 | N | -11.00 | 195.00 |
| 6 | Oakland | Chicago | 3 | 55 | N | -55.00 | 140.00 |
| 7 | Atlanta | Washington | 7 | 22 | Y | 20.00 | 160.00 |
| 8 | Tampa Bay | Jacksonville | 3 | 22 | N | -22.00 | 138.00 |
| 9 | Denver | Oakland | 4.5 | 33 | N | -33.00 | 105.00 |
| 10 | New England | Indianapolis | 7.5 | 44 | -44.00 | 61.00 | |
| 11 | Atlanta | New Orleans | 3.5 | 33 | -33.00 | 28.00 | |
| 12 | Seattle | Carolina | 7 | 22 | -22.00 | 6.00 |
Name Darkest Timeline Zack Morris Initial Bankroll: 200
| Pick # | Favorite | Underdog | Line | Wager | Winner? | Winnings | Bankroll Balance |
| 1 | Seattle | St. Louis | 4.5 | 11 | N | -11.00 | 189.00 |
| 2 | Denver | Baltimore | 4.5 | 11 | N | -11.00 | 178.00 |
| 3 | Baltimore | Oakland | 5.5 | 11 | N | -11.00 | 167.00 |
| 4 | New Orleans | Tampa | 5.5 | 11 | N | -11.00 | 156.00 |
| 5 | Indianapolis | Jacksonville | 9 | 22 | Y | 20.00 | 176.00 |
| 6 | Oakland | Chicago | 3 | 11 | N | -11.00 | 165.00 |
| 7 | Cincinnati | Kansas City | 5.5 | 55 | N | -55 | 110.00 |
| 8 | Buffalo | NY Giants | 4.5 | 22 | Y | 20 | 130.00 |
| 9 | Kansas City | Chicago | 9 | 11 | N | -11.00 | 119.00 |
| 10 | Cincinnati | Seattle | 3 | 11 | PUSH | 0 | 119.00 |
| 11 | Seattle | Carolina | 7 | 11 | -11 | 108.00 | |
| 12 | Arizona | Pittsburgh | 3 | 11 | -11 | 97.00 |
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Looking forward to this December when the Colts raise their “Week 6 Participant” banner.
Easy money…Miami +2. Coach PFTCommenter will have those boys playing through the “e” in whistle.