Call me Neo as I dodged a bullet and did not make any shitty picks. It’s a good thing too, because the ones where I was leaning would have ended up losing. Not so lucky was WhyEaglesWhy who suffered at the hands of the ridiculous backdoor cover by the Colts on Sunday night and then got the double whammy of the most disappointing 20 point victory by his team that ensured a losing week. Here is an artist’s conception of WhyEaglesWhy on Monday night:
Meanwhile, King Hippo was that lame backdoor cover away from a perfect week and a monster comeback while DTZM WAS able to pull off the perfect week and built his bankroll back up.
It’s a new week! On to the picks!
Balls of Steel
This is probably incredibly stupid, but I am going to take two AFC North teams that are not named the Steelers and the Bengals on the road against NFC West teams.
Cleveland is a solid team. They are not great, by any stretch of the imagination. They’re probably not even good. They do, however, have a pretty stout defense that can keep them in games. The same thing can be said for their opponent, the Rams. That to me spells low-scoring game. I’ll take the Browns plus the 5.5. Stakes: $11 to win $10.
Baltimore’s season is going off the rails. They are 1-5 and will most likely go into rebuilding mode. They have pride, though, and a deep hatred of anything Pittsburghish. The Arizona Cardinals might not be Pittsburgh West anymore, but there are plenty of old Steelers left there. I look for them to hang with the Cardinals in prime time on MNF and maybe even get their second win. Take the Ravens plus the 7.5. Stakes: $11 to win $10.
WhyEaglesWhy
Balls explained how my betting week sucked, so I won’t get into it. But I was a tad miffed that Balls is now ahead of me in the pool. We’ll try to rectify that this week.
Browns +5.5 over RAMS – Yep, I like the Browns too, for the same reasons Balls gave. I hope this doesn’t wind up like the week we all got a chub for the Raiders. Stakes: $11 to win $10.
DOLPHINS -4 over Texans – I don’t think the Dolphins will destroy like they did last week, but this IS a talented team that was underachieving, and Dan Campbell seems to be enjoying the new coach bounce. The Texans, conversely, are ass. Stakes: $11 to win $10.
[*Redacted] S -3 over Buccaneers – Speaking of ass, here we have the Bucs. They’re on the road against a consistently underrated [*Redacted] s squad that can play defense and sort of run the ball when their QB isn’t throwing to the popcorn vendor. I foresee multiple INTs for Crab Legs Winston, and a low-scoring but convincing [*Redacted] s victory. Stakes: $11 to win $10.
DTZM
I
King Hippo
Fuck Troll Brady and his team’s allowing a weak, late backdoor cover and costing me a glorious week.
PANTHERS -3 over Eagles. Back to basics. I have only one real read, which is that Vegas is still treating the Iggles (shit) and Panthers (good, perhaps very good) as equals. Pardon my French, but that’s fucking stupid. Perhaps Peter King is putting his life savings on the Iggles to keep the line where it is (though it has moved up from 2.5 over the last 24 hours)? My only reservation is that Carolina has a poor track record in “national spotlight” games. But trends like that are usually just random noise, and this season’s unit seems determined to buck them. Bet $33 to win $30.
Updated tables:
Name Balls of Steel Initial Bankroll: 200
| Pick # | Favorite | Underdog | Line | Wager | Winner? | Winnings | Bankroll Balance |
| 1 | San Diego |
Detroit | 3 | 11 | Y | 10.00 | 210.00 |
| 2 | Minnesota | San Francisco | 2.5 | 11 | N | -11.00 | 199.00 |
| 3 | Tennessee | Cleveland | 1 | 11 | N | -11.00 | 188.00 |
| 4 | Philadelphia | Dallas | 5.5 | 11 | Y | 10.00 | 198.00 |
| 5 | NY Jets | Philly | 2.5 | 11 | Y | 10.00 | 208.00 |
| 6 | Indianapolis | Tennessee | 3 | 11 | Y | 10.00 | 218.00 |
| 7 | Oakland | Chicago | 3 | 11 | N | -11.00 | 207.00 |
| 8 | Buffalo | Tennessee | 2.5 | 11 | Y | 10.00 | 217.00 |
| 9 | Kansas City | Chicago | 9 | 11 | Y | 10.00 | 227.00 |
| 10 | Green Bay | St. Louis | 9 | 11 | N | -11.00 | 216.00 |
| 11 | St. Louis | Cleveland | 5.5 | 11 | -11.00 | 205.00 | |
| 12 | Arizona | Baltimore | 7.5 | 11 | -11.00 | 194.00 |
Name WhyEaglesWhy Initial Bankroll: 200
| Pick # | Favorite | Underdog | Line | Wager | Winner? | Winnings | Bankroll Balance |
| 1 | Denver | Baltimore | 4.5 | 11 | N | -11.00 | 189.00 |
| 2 | Houston | Kansas City | 1 | 11 | Y | 10.00 | 199.00 |
| 3 | Carolina | Houston | 3 | 11 | N | -11.00 | 188.00 |
| 4 | NY Giants | Atlanta | 3 | 11 | Y | 10.00 | 198.00 |
| 5 | Philadelphia | Dallas | 5.5 | 11 | Y | 10.00 | 208.00 |
| 6 | Cleveland | Oakland | 3.5 | 11 | Y | 10.00 | 218.00 |
| 7 | Miami | Buffalo | 3 | 11 | Y | 10.00 | 228.00 |
| 8 | Oakland | Chicago | 3 | 11 | N | -11.00 | 217.00 |
| 9 | Philadelphia | New Orleans | 4.5 | 11 | N | -11.00 | 206.00 |
| 10 | Arizona | Detroit | 2.5 | 22 | Y | 20.00 | 226.00 |
| 11 | Houston | Indianapolis | 1 | 11 | Y | 10.00 | 236.00 |
| 12 | New England | Indianapolis | 7.5 | 22 | N | -22.00 | 214.00 |
| 13 | Philadelphia | NY Giants | 4.5 | 11 | N | -11.00 | 203.00 |
| 14 | St. Louis | Cleveland | 5.5 | 11 | -11.00 | 192.00 | |
| 15 | Miami | Houston | 4 | 11 | -11.00 | 181.00 | |
| 16 | Washington | Tampa Bay | 3 | 11 | -11.00 | 170.00 |
Name King Hippo Initial Bankroll: 200
| Pick # | Favorite | Underdog | Line | Wager | Winner? | Winnings | Bankroll Balance |
| 1 | Green Bay | Chicago | 7 | 22 | N | -22.00 | 178.00 |
| 2 | Cincinnati | Oakland | 3 | 11 | N | -11.00 | 167.00 |
| 3 | New England | Buffalo | 1 | 55 | Y | 50.00 | 217.00 |
| 4 | New England | Jacksonville | 13.5 | 11 | N | -11.00 | 206.00 |
| 5 | Seattle | Chicago | 14.5 | 11 | N | -11.00 | 195.00 |
| 6 | Oakland | Chicago | 3 | 55 | N | -55.00 | 140.00 |
| 7 | Atlanta | Washington | 7 | 22 | Y | 20.00 | 160.00 |
| 8 | Tampa Bay | Jacksonville | 3 | 22 | N | -22.00 | 138.00 |
| 9 | Denver | Oakland | 4.5 | 33 | N | -33.00 | 105.00 |
| 10 | New England | Indianapolis | 7.5 | 44 | N | -44.00 | 61.00 |
| 11 | Atlanta | New Orleans | 3.5 | 33 | Y | 30.00 | 91.00 |
| 12 | Seattle | Carolina | 7 | 22 | Y | 20 | 111.00 |
| 13 | Carolina | Philadelphia | 3 | 33 | -33.00 | 78.00 |
Name Darkest Timeline Zack Morris Initial Bankroll: 200
| Pick # | Favorite | Underdog | Line | Wager | Winner? | Winnings | Bankroll Balance |
| 1 | Seattle | St. Louis | 4.5 | 11 | N | -11.00 | 189.00 |
| 2 | Denver | Baltimore | 4.5 | 11 | N | -11.00 | 178.00 |
| 3 | Baltimore | Oakland | 5.5 | 11 | N | -11.00 | 167.00 |
| 4 | New Orleans | Tampa | 5.5 | 11 | N | -11.00 | 156.00 |
| 5 | Indianapolis | Jacksonville | 9 | 22 | Y | 20.00 | 176.00 |
| 6 | Oakland | Chicago | 3 | 11 | N | -11.00 | 165.00 |
| 7 | Cincinnati | Kansas City | 5.5 | 55 | N | -55 | 110.00 |
| 8 | Buffalo | NY Giants | 4.5 | 22 | Y | 20 | 130.00 |
| 9 | Kansas City | Chicago | 9 | 11 | N | -11.00 | 119.00 |
| 10 | Cincinnati | Seattle | 3 | 11 | PUSH | 0 | 119.00 |
| 11 | Seattle | Carolina | 7 | 11 | Y | 10 | 129.00 |
| 12 | Arizona | Pittsburgh | 3 | 11 | Y | 10 | 139.00 |
http://38.media.tumblr.com/c1cdadf07426040a41c6976f7f447ec1/tumblr_n7ydg3gd6b1s7udfuo1_400.gif
After some more thought, I’m sure the Browns are going to fuck us.
– Balls, WEW, Cleveland in 1996
Crab Legs Winston is funny.
DTZM with the most profound pick of all: I. How can he lose?
Darkest Timeline Zack Morris? No, no, you’re thinking of Parker Lewis.