Hey, gang, lots has changed since the experts here at Ye Olde Flying Doore made a bunch of predictions about our favorite teams before the season started. One head coach has already been fired, Cuntler has gone missing, and RGIII is doing worse than Jared. But as my favorite team enjoys their bye week, it’s time to reflect on that simpler time when a new head coach, a new system, and a shitty schedule meant cautious optimism for the younger but bigger siblings to the now-hottest team in baseball. Remember when I said the Bears would be mediocre but not horrendous unless Jimmy Clausen got under center? I was right! That usually doesn’t happen. I’d buy lottery tickets, but Illinois is issuing IOUs for anything over $600 anyway.
Let’s put down MTWV’s doll heads and live in the now for a moment. Here is where we are: An 0-2 start and the usual chorus of idiots questioning Jay Cutler’s toughness made every Bear fan write off the season and openly root for the front office to tank the season in hopes of getting the top draft pick (for what? Jared Goff? Yeesh). Clausen was every bit as bad as advertised, and it looked for a little that the Bears execs were on the same page as the fans, dealing Jared Allen and Jonathan Bostic for chewing gum and a bag of rocks. Oh, they got a sixth rounder for each? Let’s look at the last few players the Bears have drafted in the sixth round: Tayo Faubuluje, whom I’ll take NFL.com’s word is not the guy who played the bartender who knows all the fish in Saving Sarah Marshall, Davis Fales and Pat O’Donnell, Cornelius Washington, Isaiah Frey, and Jonathan Taylor Thomas. What’s that? We’re out of gum? Shit.
Anyway, Monsieur Cutler came back and showed everyone why they shouldn’t have been rooting for Mr. Vlasic to put down his clipboard by leading two come from behind victories over the Raiders and Chiefs before cockteasing the shit out of us against the hilariously disappointing Detroit Lions. They had no business winning that game but still should have won that game, know what I mean? Pretty classic Bears, actually. Move the ball well, choke in the red zone periodically, let the defensive backs fall down now and then, get screwed on the Golden Tate call, take advantage of a turnover, choke in the red zone again, suck in OT, and disappoint the fans after a tremendous buildup. No celebratory release going into the bye week. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go do some push ups and grab a jacket.
So that mishmosh of a season puts the Bears at 2-3 with a bunch of winnable games left on the schedule. I’m flying back to Chicago to see AP beat on the Bears like, well, you know. Then they go on the road to face the last of the soon-to-maybe-be-in-LA teams and have a legit chance of winning each given San Diego’s disastrous season and St. Louis’s tendency to play down to opponents. That road trip is followed by the decaying corpse of Peyton Manning coming to town, a surefire loss to the Packers in Green Bay, home games against Tomsula’s shitheap and Dan Snyder’s racist extended family members, a trip to Minnesota for another whooping, a home game where the Bears should be able to fight off Jameis Winston’s aggressive overtures, and then a home finale against the Lions where the outcome depends entirely on who’s under center.
An optimist would say the Bears could 7-4 or even 8-3 over the balance of the season and sneak into the playoffs if things break their way. After all, the defense is starting to look better as they get comfortable in the 3-4, Forte is still a beast, and Kevin White might actually be allowed to play if the season looks like it might matter. It won’t, and that article picks back up on the Forte trade rumors, but hey, Alshon is back and Cutler could play really well as an audition to be traded elsewhere with the Bears paying 75% of his contract elsewhere. I am not an optimist. I see this team winning 5 or 6 of these games to stay around .500 and remain in that limbo we predicted of not good enough to make the playoffs but too good to get a top draft pick. Another tease of a season from the Bears. But at least we have the Cubs–aw, shit. Looks like Cuntler’s prediction held true for Bears big and little this year: