Today we are reviewing the teams in the AFC that have either no or a remote chance of making the postseason.

AFC East

Buffalo Bills, Current Record: 6-7; Point Differential: +15; /whistle on Buffalo, 15 yard penalty, loss of down.  2nd most penalties in the NFL.

Buffalo has had a very up and down year (/whistle on Buffalo, 5 yard penalty automatic first down).  This year was in the same mold as Rex’s last 4 years with the Jets, i.e. high volatility (/whistle on Buffalo, 10 yard penalty, TD run is brought back).  Surprisingly, the offense is much better than the defense, also surprisingly, Rex has a very average defense  (/whistle on Buffalo, 12 men on field [after a timeout on a key 3rd & 4 down] yard 5 penalty, results in a 1st down).   Bit of a regression from last year for the Bills.

Miami Dolphins, Current Record: 5-8, Point Differential: -67; Dan Campbell Intensity Meter:  MAN THE FUCK UP BROS! IT’S TIME FOR SOME DOLPHINS FOOTBALL!

Miami was supposed to compete for the AFC East, but they are in the cellar.  Philbin finally got the ax after several underwhelming seasons.  It’s been a typical post-Marino Miami Dolphin season.   However, Tannehill has firmly established dominance over his practice squad counterparts, so it will only be a matter of time that he does the same against the backups on the 53-man roster.  You show those plebs Ryan!

AFC North

Baltimore Ravens, Current Record: 4-9; point differential: -48; Joe Flacco Elite Blandness Meter: Ardently Vanilla

Baltimore had some injuries this year and have lost eight of their games by 8 points or less.  That’s an elite level of play for moral victories.   They say a team’s character ought to be formed by their QB (or it’s a saying that bolsters my upcoming joke) and the Ravens surely have taken on Flacco’s ELITE milquetoast-ness.  I nearly forgot Flacco suffered a season ending injury.

Cleveland Browns, Current Record: 3-10; Point Differential: -117; Johnny Football GPS: Passed out in an Akron strip club at 10:45 AM on a Tuesday.

Cleveland blows in all phases of the game.  Johnny Football commonly blows into breathalyers.  Therefore, Johnny’s going to burn down half of Cleveland during one of his benders.  Also, Johnny Football will cause an injury to LeBron James  when Cleveland is up 3-0 in the NBA Finals.

AFC South

The yang to the NFC East’s ying.  The winner of this craptastic division will probably face a 10 or 11 game winner.  I thought 9 games would easily get a team into the playoffs in the AFC, but that is not turning out to be the case.  Either way, do expect the 5 seed to tear a new one to the AFC South Champion.

Indianapolis Colts; Current Record: 6-7; Point differential -81; Andrew Luck’s rehab: leeching and blood letting.

Colts lost Luck for most of the season and had to turn to the services of aged Man o’War Matt Hasselbeck.  Colts were doing ok, but have been rendered asunder in the last two game losing by 35 points in each game.  They also ran a mind-boggling stupid play against the Greatriots.   The game against the Texans will likely be for the division crown.

Houston Texans: Current Record: 6-7; Point Differential: -32; JJ Watt thanks you for your service.

Texans started off awful, went white hot for a 4 game stretch then came  crashing back to earth.   Their problems stem mostly from poor QB play.  JJ Watt continues to annoy us by actively calling attention to his hard work ethic.

Jacksonville Jaguars; Current Record: 5-8; point differential: -31; Jacksonville area meth production: YTD up 5.6% since last fiscal year.

Jags are a young team with some decent talent.  They may have one of the better WR tandems in the league, and Bortles has a 30:13 TD to INT ratio (huh?).  This could be a formidable team in two or three years, but still have some growing pains to overcome.

Tennessee Titans; Current Record: 3-10; Point Differential: -73; [insert joke here] (I’ve got nothing)

This was supposed to be another rebuilding year for the Titans, and it certainly turned out this way.  Ken Wisenhunt was fired and Mike “Cut the’ Mularkey is the interim coach.  Not much to say about them, probably be another couple of years before they are relevant again.

AFC West

Oakland Raideers, Current Record: 6-7; Point Differential: -27; Things I did not think would be probable but are in fact probable: Raiders have a promising future.

Carr look like he is developing nicely, Cooper is a good #1 WR.  Khalil Mack a presence at the line.  When did the Raiders learn to unfuck themselves all of a sudden.  Next year could be where the Raiders become a factor again considering Denver’s QB issues, San Diego’s suckitude, and I do not trust KC’s style of play to be a year-in, year-out success.

San Diego Chargers: Current Record: 3-10; Point Differential: -84; Rivers Gaskets Blown: Infinity

Poor Phil Rivers, has to do everything himself…wait strike that, fuck King Laserface. BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MARMALARD YOU CAN THROW 5,000 YARDS BUT YOUR TEAM SUCKS ASSBALLS.