NFL Week 16 Listening Guide

Overall, Week 15 provided decent action, but the announcing was terrible–at least judging from Sunday’s open threads and the brief time I spent turning off the TV’s close captioning. It will get worse: the playoff picture clears, more games will be meaningless, and the broadcasts will shift from angles to hype to

–…starting January 21, here on FOX.

–Boy, that Lucifer would make a gritty slot receiver.

Yeah, you’ll miss things without the announcers, but it’s not like they’ll tell you why the stud-but-unknown defensive end has been on the bench for two series on obvious passing downs. Those words add nothing. Hell, off the top of my head, the most memorable announcing was Joe Buck’s call for the Wisconsin National Guard to shoot Randall Gary Moss, Esq.

In short: avoid pointless bullshit and spare yourself the groaning. Here are your suggested listening options for Week 16, by way of blatantly ripping off paying homage to Rikki-Tikki-Deadly’s awesome DFO Radio posts.

Thursday Night Football – Chargers @ Raiders

Thin Lizzy for Raiders fans; Chargers fans, a tape of yourself reciting Meher Baba’s Ten Commandments.

Christmas Eve Football – R*dsk*ns @ Eagles

SUNDAY DECEMBER 26:

Texans @ Titans – Inspired by both teams’ offenses, audio to The Digestive Physiology of the Ruminant. Each score is a labored excretion!

Browns @ Chiefs – To accentuate the anachronic action on the field, music from “The Knick.”

Colts @ Dolphins 

49ers @ Lions (For ambiance, burn wigs instead of incense)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XIMSbKU2oZM

Steelers @ Ravens – Until this year, these games used to be highlights of the NFL season. Anything by My Bloody Valentine EXCEPT Loveless.

Pats @ Jets – The quintessential late December divisional game with playoff implications gets the most emblematic Christmas album (well, around these parts of the Caribbean, anyway): Asalto Navideño Vol. II

Cowboys @ Bills – The allegedly important sonic things made by Suicide.

Bears @ Bucs – “AAA-AAA”, by Marina Abramović (Bucs) & Ulay (Bears).

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iAIfLnQ26JY

Panthers @ Falcons – Idlewild (only the dialogue that involves the talking flask)

Packers @ Cardinals

Rams @ Seahawks – System of a Down when Seattle has the ball; otherwise, The Broken Robot ringtone, over and over.

Jaguars @ Saints – Shonen Knife, Weezer’s green album, and other pleasantly mindless stuff, like

SUNDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL – Giants @ Vikings

AND FOR THE LAST MONDAY NIGHT GAME OF THE SEASON, Bengals @ Broncos, 

And screw that “Happy Holidays” crap. Merry Christmas to all, from a certified atheist.

Top image via adweek.com and my cellphone.