Marcus Mariota Visits Golden Gate Park

[Marcus Mariota walks alone through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco, California. He seems to have a confused look on his face, as he sits down on a park bench in front of a small pond. A few ducks swim by. One stops and stares at him.]

Marcus: Will you be my friend?

Duck: Quack quack!

[There is a long pause as the duck continues to stare at Marcus. After a while, he sighs.]

Marcus: I wonder if he will ever show up.

[A homeless man lying on a bench across the pond snores loudly, fast asleep.]

Duck: Quack quack quack!

Marcus: Heh, okay buddy. Quack quack! Arizona State students don’t know what state they’re in!

Duck: Quack! Oregon State girls play with their Beavers!

Marcus: Haha! That’s– wait, what?!

[The duck begins to rise out of the water, followed by a large figure.]

Chip-DuckChip: You weren’t followed, were you?

Marcus: Co-coach! Aloha! What the hell…?! Why were you…?!

Chip: Ssh! Keep your voice down.

[The homeless man across the pond stirs in his sleep.]

Chip: It is good to see you, my young Franchise Quarterback.

Marcus: You too, Coach. I was really surprised that you wanted to meet all the way out here in California. Now that it’s the offseason, I figured we could have at least met back at Campus…

Chip: There have been some changes to the plan, Marcus, and this is one of them. You did a great job down the stretch, and accomplished everything I asked you to this year, but that damn Bud Adams seems convinced to keep Mike around for next year.

Marcus: I know, Coach. I thought the 3 wins would be plenty to get him fired. Maybe you shouldn’t have ruined the Eagles as badly as you did, and we’d have another year to figure this out.

Chip: No no, Marcus. You’re too good to have another year like that. No matter. I have decided to take the head coaching position here, with the San Fransisco 49ers!

[The homeless man across the pond suddenly sits straight up and starts shouting something unintelligible. Neither Marcus nor Chip seem to hear him.]

Marcus: Well, okay. But how does that get me on your team? I thought I was the only one would could run your system like you wanted.

Chip: Easy! You just have to transfer! I’ll give you a full scholarship!

Marcus: What?!…I…I don’t know what to say.

Chip: You can thank me later. First, we need to start finding you some brighter, I mean, better weapons. I’m sure Riley would join us, but… Hmm…

[The homeless man falls into the pond and seems to be trying to swim towards them, poorly.]

Marcus: No, you don’t get it! It doesn’t work like that in the NFL! There are no transfers or scholarships here! I’m under contract with the Titans!

Chip: You mean, I gave Sam Bradford all that money, for nothing? It wasn’t just donated by some stupid backers?

Marcus: I don’t know why I listened to you! I should’ve known this plan would never work here! It’s time to stop living in the past! I’m going to become a real NFL pocket passing quarterback! Aloha, Coach!

[Marcus storms off as Chip stands there with a puzzled look on his face.]

Chip: But, I was so sure… Well, this isn’t so bad. I guess I’ll just have to make this… [Stares down at roster sheet] …Blaine Gab-bert my next Franchise Quarterback. At least, until I find a talented freshman to red shirt…

[Chip wanders off just as the homeless man swims into earshot.]

JimJim: WAAAAIIIITTTTT! COME BACK! …Dagnabbit, Jim! If only you woulda caught him! You remember what Spare Tire Teddy always says? “Eat a man’s heart and you take his job.” I coulda been back in the big time…

[Pete Carroll sits up in his bed, laughing.]

Glena: What is it, honey? Did one of the Lizard People tell you a good joke?

Pete: Not tonight, dear. This is much better. We’re getting 2 more free division wins next year!

[Banner pic via]

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers
Low Commander of the Super Soldiers
Low Commander of the Super Soldiers is a native North County San Diegan with an affinity for the Padres, beer, whiskey, punk rock, video games and the end of days. If you eat a fish taco with a fork in his presence, you may lose your hand.
Please Login to comment
7 Comment threads
4 Thread replies
Most reacted comment
Hottest comment thread
6 Comment authors
Don TLow Commander of the Super SoldiersballsofsteelandfuryMoose -The End Is Well Nighnomonkeyfun Recent comment authors
Notify of
Chip Kelly Records a Message – [DOOR FLIES OPEN]

[…] [Snaps back to reality] It’s not a place for good kids like you, Wilton. Too many liars, traitors and stuck up people who just won’t buy into my […]

Don T

Morose Mariota >>> Marcus Mariota
Laughed so hard at Would you like to be my friend? and it just got better. ?


Will you be editing your author profile and setting up another DTZM-style poll to find out you will root for the RoughRiders or are you so far north in North County that the LA move is actually NBD?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Don T

Nightmare, guaranteed. I fucking love it!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Those girls should be careful playing with their beavers they have sharp teeth that can hurt you.


Homeless Jim Tomsula was pretty inspired too. I also totally dug Spare Tire Teddy.