Marcus Mariota Visits Golden Gate Park

[Marcus Mariota walks alone through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco, California. He seems to have a confused look on his face, as he sits down on a park bench in front of a small pond. A few ducks swim by. One stops and stares at him.]

Marcus: Will you be my friend?

Duck: Quack quack!

[There is a long pause as the duck continues to stare at Marcus. After a while, he sighs.]

Marcus: I wonder if he will ever show up.

[A homeless man lying on a bench across the pond snores loudly, fast asleep.]

Duck: Quack quack quack!

Marcus: Heh, okay buddy. Quack quack! Arizona State students don’t know what state they’re in!

Duck: Quack! Oregon State girls play with their Beavers!

Marcus: Haha! That’s– wait, what?!

[The duck begins to rise out of the water, followed by a large figure.]

Chip-DuckChip: You weren’t followed, were you?

Marcus: Co-coach! Aloha! What the hell…?! Why were you…?!

Chip: Ssh! Keep your voice down.

[The homeless man across the pond stirs in his sleep.]

Chip: It is good to see you, my young Franchise Quarterback.

Marcus: You too, Coach. I was really surprised that you wanted to meet all the way out here in California. Now that it’s the offseason, I figured we could have at least met back at Campus…

Chip: There have been some changes to the plan, Marcus, and this is one of them. You did a great job down the stretch, and accomplished everything I asked you to this year, but that damn Bud Adams seems convinced to keep Mike around for next year.

Marcus: I know, Coach. I thought the 3 wins would be plenty to get him fired. Maybe you shouldn’t have ruined the Eagles as badly as you did, and we’d have another year to figure this out.

Chip: No no, Marcus. You’re too good to have another year like that. No matter. I have decided to take the head coaching position here, with the San Fransisco 49ers!

[The homeless man across the pond suddenly sits straight up and starts shouting something unintelligible. Neither Marcus nor Chip seem to hear him.]

Marcus: Well, okay. But how does that get me on your team? I thought I was the only one would could run your system like you wanted.

Chip: Easy! You just have to transfer! I’ll give you a full scholarship!

Marcus: What?!…I…I don’t know what to say.

Chip: You can thank me later. First, we need to start finding you some brighter, I mean, better weapons. I’m sure Riley would join us, but… Hmm…

[The homeless man falls into the pond and seems to be trying to swim towards them, poorly.]

Marcus: No, you don’t get it! It doesn’t work like that in the NFL! There are no transfers or scholarships here! I’m under contract with the Titans!

Chip: You mean, I gave Sam Bradford all that money, for nothing? It wasn’t just donated by some stupid backers?

Marcus: I don’t know why I listened to you! I should’ve known this plan would never work here! It’s time to stop living in the past! I’m going to become a real NFL pocket passing quarterback! Aloha, Coach!

[Marcus storms off as Chip stands there with a puzzled look on his face.]

Chip: But, I was so sure… Well, this isn’t so bad. I guess I’ll just have to make this… [Stares down at roster sheet] …Blaine Gab-bert my next Franchise Quarterback. At least, until I find a talented freshman to red shirt…

[Chip wanders off just as the homeless man swims into earshot.]

JimJim: WAAAAIIIITTTTT! COME BACK! …Dagnabbit, Jim! If only you woulda caught him! You remember what Spare Tire Teddy always says? “Eat a man’s heart and you take his job.” I coulda been back in the big time…


[Pete Carroll sits up in his bed, laughing.]

Glena: What is it, honey? Did one of the Lizard People tell you a good joke?

Pete: Not tonight, dear. This is much better. We’re getting 2 more free division wins next year!

[Banner pic via]

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers
Low Commander of the Super Soldiers
Low Commander of the Super Soldiers is a native North County San Diegan with an affinity for the Padres, beer, whiskey, punk rock, video games and the end of days. If you eat a fish taco with a fork in his presence, you may lose your hand.

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Don TLow Commander of the Super SoldiersballsofsteelandfuryMoose -The End Is Well Nighnomonkeyfun Recent comment authors
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Don T

Morose Mariota >>> Marcus Mariota
Laughed so hard at Would you like to be my friend? and it just got better. ?

ballsofsteelandfury

Will you be editing your author profile and setting up another DTZM-style poll to find out you will root for the RoughRiders or are you so far north in North County that the LA move is actually NBD?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Don T

Nightmare, guaranteed. I fucking love it!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
nomonkeyfun

Those girls should be careful playing with their beavers they have sharp teeth that can hurt you.

WCS
ballsofsteelandfury

Homeless Jim Tomsula was pretty inspired too. I also totally dug Spare Tire Teddy.