“It’s All Gone Wrong, Pete & John” – The Seahawks Try To Bolster Their Lines (Part 6): Draft Night (Part 2)



A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.

Ext. The Seahawks draft room, Renton, WA.

Previously: John Schneider and Pete Carroll are arguing over TV channels when John Schneider decides he’s had enough and makes a surprising phone call….

A frightened intern hands John Schneider a telephone while Pete Carroll retreats to speak with the head of security.

Pete Carroll: (whispering to head of security) Now, if he makes for the door, you go for his legs… (to John Schneider) Who are you calling, John?

John Schneider: Oh, you’ll see. (Dials number)……. Hello, Tom? John Schneider of the Seahawks. You want our pick?… Fine! I want your (pauses to think) #1, 3 & 7 in exchange. Good?… GOOD! (slams down phone)

PC: John, what did you do?

JS: (yells to office) I’ll be back – gotta pee! (leaves office)

**Five minutes pass**

PC: John? You’re making me nervous…

JS: (settles into chair) Now, will someone change the goddamned channel?!

PC: Hold on John, there’s an announcement. (turns up volume)

On the screen, Rich Eisen is handed a piece of paper.

Rich Eisen: I’ve just received word the Seattle Seahawks have traded the #26 pick to the Atlanta Falcons, in exchange for the Falcons first pick at #31, as well as the Falcons’ picks in the third- and seventh-rounds. Mike Mayock, your reaction.

Mike Mayock: Well Rich, ath I’fe thed all along, the Theehawks…

Mike Mayock is cut off as John Schneider, now standing on a chair, manually changes the channel to CBS.

JS: I trust there are no fucking objections?!

PC: John! What have you done?

JS: (exasperated) I’m. Watching. “Big Bang Theory”. That trade just bought us 25 minutes. The show will be over by then. (settles into chair) Now it’s time for Kaley.


PC: John! I don’t think you realize…

JS: What, you don’t think I’m serious? How’s this for serious?! (reaches; dials phone)

PC: (to security chief) Officer! NOW!

Security: (irritated) Just as soon as I finish this hand. Coach Cable’s teaching me poker.

Tom Cable: Don’t worry Pete, it’s the clothes-on kind. I’m no queer.

JS: (into phone) Hello, John? John here… Yes, I suppose that’s funny. It does sound like you’re talking to yourself…

TC: (muttering) more like playing with yourself…

JS: Now John, I’ve got an offer for you. (stares at Pete Carroll) You’re a division rival, and it is late in the day, but what do you say to taking our first pick off my hands?

PC: John?! NO!

JS: (ignoring Pete Carroll) Sorry, what? Your second-rounder and a fourth-rounder? Perfect! Pleasure doing business. See you on the golf course. (hangs up smirking)

PC: John, what have you done? All this over a TV show?

JS: (irritated tone) Listen Pete, you’re a great coach and a good friend. But another word out of you and I will draft the women’s softball team from Wichita State.

Peter King said they were “worth leaving the quiet car for”, whatever the fuck that means. So at least SI will be on my side. Look, I just spent three weeks on the road with you – no wine, no women, no nothing. I’m home now and I’m the boss…NOW LET ME WATCH MY PROGRAM!

Twenty-five minutes pass. “The Big Bang Theory” has ended. Pete Carroll sits in a corner with his head in his hands. Tom Cable is sitting in front of a now-shirtless Head of Security. The rest of the room is empty. John Schneider pops out of his chair.

JS: Alright boys. (claps hands) Show’s over. Let’s hit the buffet.

PC: (muttering to himself) I’m ruined… ruined…

JS: Now Pete, let’s go turn that frown upside-down. We’ve got a Draft Party to go to!

PC: John?

JS: C’mon Pete. Just because we didn’t pick doesn’t mean we can’t have a good time. Besides, you’ve got to sell this to those media shits. (grabs Pete Carroll by the shoulder & starts walking him to the door) CABLE! Did Pretty Boy call The Professor? Don’t want the millennials upset that Hip Hop Haggerty didn’t show.

TC: Yes sir. (gets up from table; takes security guy’s shirt) He’s at the restaurant waiting for us.

JS: Good. (grabs keys) I’m driving. (grabs door knob)

Chad: Sir, do you have room for everyone in your vehicle? You promised the office they could join the party after the Draft.

JS: Whadda you think, Depends?

John Schneider opens the office door, motioning to the vehicle parked in his, and five others’, spot.

JS: (sarcastically) Will that fit everyone, Chad?

Chad: Yes sir. Sorry to ha- (Chad is restrained from entering the bus by John Schneider)

JS: Sorry Chad, but you did forget to tape my program. You’ll have to take the kiddie car. (motions to grassy field)

Chad: **sighs**


PC: Tom – nice job with the language. Here’s a dollar back.

JS: Now remember boys. When we’re down there, smile for the camera. We want people to think we know what we’re doing. And for God’s sake, make sure Macklemore’s in the photo, or Russell will skip camp.

Twenty minutes later, the Seahawks management are inside a Seattle-area El Gaucho restaurant, fielding questions from the press.

710ESPN Reporter: John, could you tell us why you chose to trade out of the first round?

JS: Well (stares hole through Pete Carroll) there wasn’t a player available in the first round that we feel we couldn’t pick up in the second round. Other teams had an itch, and I was willing to scratch it to the tune of more opportunities on Days 2 & 3.

KOMO TV Reporter: Pete, all that time on the road, and all the players visited. Fair to say you & John just couldn’t reach a consensus on a number one choice?

PC: On the contrary, there were too many choices. But (stares hole through John Schneider) sometimes when you can’t decide on which channel to watch, the act of trying to compromise means no one gets to watch anything good. Bazinga.

KJR Reporter: John, could you elaborate on the Richard Sherman situation. Were there any offers worth listening to? How do you think Richard will react?

JS: Listen. Richard & I have had explicit conversations on this issue. He knows it’s a business, and that’s why I was up front with him during the whole process. But if it wasn’t going to help the team, there’s no need to disrupt the team. And I think Richard appreciates that.

Meanwhile, back at the Legion of Boom…

Richard Sherman: I’m skippin’ OTAs!

Back at the Seattle El Gaucho, the questions have wrapped up.

Photographer: Mr. Schneider? Pete? How ’bout a picture?

JS: Good idea. Tom? Professor? Why don’t you boys join in too. Okay?

TC: Thanks boss.

Macklemore: Tee-hee. Okay… Hey, EYES FRONT, CABLE!

TC: Aww…

Photographer: Okay…everyone smile!

Everyone: CHEESE!


A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.
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This was brilliant. And more insightful than anything PK has written.


Moose’s first gif below is more insightful than anything PK has written.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Has anyone sent this to the Seattle front office for a rebuttal?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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I hate you, Moose

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Forgot to mention; this is for the MLB fans; the original processed state of your “all beef” (everything but the moo) ballpark FRANKS.