![[DOOR FLIES OPEN]](https://doorfliesopen.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/08/DFO-MC-Patch.png)
INT. DFO PRODUCTION OFFICE – DAY
A pair of sleazy Hollywood producers are huddled over the speakerphone, listening to a pitch for a new reality series.
DARKEST TIMELINE ZACK MORRIS: It’s not that we don’t like the concept.
RIKKI-TIKKI-DEADLY: We love the concept.
DTZM: Seven beautiful women…
RTD: A tropical island resort…
DTZM: Each week one get unceremoniously booted from the hotel…
RTD: All the right ingredients are there.
DTZM: It’s just that…
RTD: There’s one thing…
DTZM: One little thing…
BOTH: [deep breath]
DTZM: It’s bad timing.
RTD: Yeah, it’s really just not the right time.
DTZM: Travis Kelce kind of poisoned the well for NFL celebrity dating shows.
RTD: For now.
DTZM: Yeah, for now.
RTD: But here’s what I want you to do. I want you to mark today on your calendar. And in exactly one year, I want you to call me. We’ll make “Seven in Heaven” a reality. Show.
DTZM: Great name, by the way.
VOICE: You guys are for real? We’re actually gonna do this?
RTD: Absolutely. In one year. We won’t forget the name [reads from a Post-It note, pronouncing deliberately] Ga-re-on Con-ley.
The caller hangs up, RIKKI-TIKKI-DEADLY shrugs apologetically.
DTZM: So who’s this Gideon Conrad guy, anyway?
RTD: Draft pick for the Raiders. He’ll be good, if he ever sees the field.
— [door flies open] —
MICHAEL VICK enters the office carrying a pair of lattes and hands them over.
RTD: [sips] Is this Blue Bottle?
VICK: Of course!
RTD: The one on Beverly?
VICK: Yup.
RTD: Beverly Lane, or Beverly Boulevard?
VICK: Um…Boulevard.
RTD: [spits mouthful back into cup] Ugh. I can tell. The one on Boulevard is for tourists. It’s my fault, I should have told you this earlier. We’ll need a couple more of these. From the one on Beverly Lane this time.
VICK: [sighs, takes back the coffee, leaves]
DTZM: [raises his eyebrows, frowns vaguely]
RTD: That came out meaner than I meant it to. I just wanted to get rid of him again. I can’t think of anything for him to do!
DTZM: Damnit, we need a project!
DARKEST TIMELINE ZACK MORRIS’s special edition Apple Watch buzzes as a notification arrives. He looks down and fiddles with the crown to read it.
RTD: Who’s it from?
DTZM: Karen Gillan.
RTD: [looks hopeful] Well, what did she say?
DTZM: I am…SIRI, SCROLL DOWN…going to…SIRI, SCROLL DOWN…have to…SIRI, SCROLL DOWN…pass.
RTD: With a dry cool wit like that she could coach the Seahawks.
DTZM: Well, you can’t say we didn’t try for broad appeal. I guess “Crazy Rich Asians” is going to have to be a niche film.
RTD: Yup. If “Get Out” proved anything it’s that you NEED white people in films if they’re going to have crossover appeal.
DTZM: I’m not really sure that’s what you’re supposed to take away from…
TRAYCEE: [via intercom] Sorry to interrupt. But this gentleman here has become most insistent about making his pitch to you.
RTD: Tell him we’re busy, and he’ll need to wait a few minutes.
TRAYCEE: You had me tell him that fifteen minutes ago. And forty-five minutes ago. And also two and a half hours ago.
DTZM: [sighs, rolls his eyes] Fine…send him in.
— [door flies open] —
RYAN PACE: Gentlemen. Have I got a show for you.
RTD: Let’s make this quick. Elevator pitch only.
RYAN PACE: [nervously] Okay, okay. But why TELL you when I can SHOW you. Come on in, boys.
Five young men file into the office.
RYAN PACE: Now the way it starts, is Mitch here goes over to Tarik and…
[Editor’s note: The following material has been redacted according to the editorial standards of DFO, and also human decency.]
Immediately MITCHELL TRUBISKY removes revealing a massive . TARIK COHEN places his in MICHELL TRUBISKY’s as the massive continues to . As soon as the has , EDDIE JACKSON begins to followed by and . He moves over toward ADAM SHAHEEN, who is JORDAN MORGAN so hard he has a bloody nose, and brings out a large . The tip is and the is . While the JORDAN MORGAN the , ADAM SHAHEEN shoves the into EDDIE JACKSON’s . He then backs up toward it while the MITCHELL TRUBISKY continues to on his . He squats over the and releases a huge of .
As , JORDAN MORGAN’S begin to , soon the of . ADAM SHAHEEN yanks out the and it down equally impressive . Once again JORDAN MORGAN sends a of into the swelling the to the size of .
Once done, MITCHELL TRUBISKY starts furiously on the while TARIK COHEN starts to and .. They both hard, deep and fast until and . ADAM SHAHEEN take the massive in the almost every . What they don’t is clean from the floor by JORDAN MORGAN. As MICHELL TRUBISKY and EDDIE JACKSON finally finish , ADAM SHAHEEN AND TARIK COHEN stand up and their and reveal . They all in unison look at RIKKI-TIKKI-DEADLY and DARKEST TIMELINE ZACK MORRIS.
ALL DRAFT PICKS: Taa daaaa!
PACE: [slightly out of sync] TAA DAAAA!
There is a long pause.
—
Like, a really, really long pause.
—
PACE: Well…what do you think?
RTD: [calmly] That was…interesting.
DTZM: [similarly nonplussed] What this show called?
PACE: Draft Day 2. The Second Round.
RTD: [punches intercom] Traycee, can you get Kevin Costner on the phone? I think he needs to hear this pitch.
DTZM: [to RYAN PACE] We always bring him in for sports movie pitches. He’ll finance ANYTHING if it’s got balls in it.
—
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