Agent Dale Cooper (to handheld recorder): Diane, we are waiting in the office of Bengals owner Mike Brown. I am accompanied by local lawman, police chief Eliot Isaac who, thus far, has navigated me through interactions with two potential suspects: one AJ McCarron, a persistent and, frankly, creepy young man with an affinity for the strange, and second, linebacker Vontaze Burfict. Burfict, it should be noted, is a more routine suspect as he is large, african american, and has a history of questionable and violent choices. To our knowledge, however, the motives any players may have in association with Ms Sue’s death are still unknown and underscore the purpose of this visit.
— Door Flies Open —
Mike Brown: Chief Isaac, good morning.
Chief Eliot Isaac: Mr Brown, how are you this morning?
Brown: Not good, Eliot, not good. Is it true? I mean, about the new cheerleader found by the river?
Cooper: I don’t believe the location of her discovery has been released as of yet to the press.
Isaac: Well, any police activity along the bank of the Ohio is immediately trending on social media. No doubt the identity of the victim is already public. Mike, by the way, this is Agent Dale Cooper, FBI.
Brown: FBI eh? Well, there must be some significant details that have the feds in on a single crime in our sleepy little city. Pray, what brings the case to The Jungle though? The Ben Gals do not have facilities here and, as Ms Sue was only a first-time audition, we’d not yet have any records of her in our payroll systems. So, while I sympathize with the loss of life, we really don’t have time to interrupt football activities for your investigation.
Cooper: In the interest of compromise, Mr Brown, I can offer to provide you the list of individuals with whom we wish to speak and you may have the opportunity to quickly and silently make them available to us for interviews.
Brown: List? A list? Who on my roster could possibly even be considered a suspect in hurting a fly, let alone murder?
Cooper: Well, I’m glad you asked. Let us begin with the two men who I know are present today, misters McCarron and Burfect.
Brown: Vontaze? No. He’s one of our defensive leaders! And….uh….besides, veterans won’t even report for another few weeks and–
Isaac: We actually ran into him in the locker room earlier. We know he’s here.
Cooper: Continuing on, the list of immediate persons include one Adam “Pacman” Jones whose rap sheet includes, amongst a prism of misdeeds, assault against women.
Isaac: Why’s he even still on the team, Mike?
Cooper: Next is Joe Mixon.
Brown: Mmmmmmm….no, no Mixon around here, I don’t think. Are you referring to the photo of myself and Richard Nixon? They call him Tricky Dick you know, because of his love of trick plays.
Cooper: You drafted him in the second round. Knocked out a young lady at a Pickleman’s Gourmet Cafe. On video.
Brown: Not sure how that’s relevant but I can speak to the personnel office and see what we can —
Cooper: Andrew Dalton.
Isaac: Hold on there, spook. Dalton is the quarterback of this team. Under what evidence is he an individual under suspicion?
Cooper: He’s a ginger. And, to round out my list, I’d also like the opportunity to meet with Coach Marvin Lewis and cheerleader captain, Alyson D.
Brown: Now this is quite an intrusion into our business considering I agreed to meet with you as a good faith showing, Eliot.
Cooper: If you prefer I come back with warrants and an army of agents, I would be happy to oblige. However, I would expect the initial crime scene report will be released within the next hour and, for my investigative process, I’m afraid I prefer to be sitting in silence with a tall cup of joe when I review this report. Chief, Mr Brown, I’ll be in touch with you both.
Cooper collects his paperwork, places it carelessly into his briefcase, and exits the room.
Brown: Now I thought we’d agreed to help one another out. I don’t think accusations from a federal agent fits that bill, Eliot, do you?
Isaac: Just relax, Mike. We’re going to be fair about this. But if you know anything, it’s better to just give that information up now. Withholding evidence isn’t bound to look good when reviewing new stadium construction proposals with the city council. Or, to speak in your terms, it probably won’t do much to help with your relocation vote.
Brown: Now then! I’m sure I do not know what you are talking about!
Isaac (stands up and puts on his hat): I’m sure you don’t, Mr Brown. We’ll be in touch. Oh, and by the way, don’t plan on any of our officers volunteering overtime for security this year. Working these murders stretches us thin enough. If you want overtime, you can pay for overtime. Good day.