Fantasy Gods, Why Hast Thou Forsaken Me? Week 9 2017

As many of you know, I like to complain. The weather, sports, politics, nothing ever seems to be good enough for Brocky. Naturally this extends to fantasy football, the thing that is supposed to distract me from those things. Such misfortune can’t possibly be the result of my own ineptitude, therefore it can only happen due to divine intervention. That’s right, I’m blaming my fantasy woes on God, and I’m posting every week how the big man upstairs did me wrong, this will feature as little embellishment as possible.

 

The Scene: Heaven

 

This is totally what Heaven looks like

 

 

Jesus confidently strolls through Heaven. Today is gonna be a good day. Well, the whole point of Heaven is that every day is a good day, but this day is special. He can just feel it in his once staked bones.

 

His mood is tampered when once again, he can apparently not find his father. He checks the halls, the cafeteria, the gaming room, the gift wrapping room, nothing. No suspiciously malfunctioning elevators, no Hellish Halloween parties. Just a complete lack of an all powerful being. Finally fed up with his search, he address one of his apostles.

 

Jesus: “St. Peter, has thou seen my father? It is pertinent that I speak to him.

 

St. Peter: “For the last time, call me Pete

 

Jesus: “Fine, Petey, hav..”

 

St. Peter: “PETE! NOT PEE-TEE! CAN’T YOU FUCKING HEAR?”

 

Jesus: “Okay, fine, Pete, Have you seen my father?”

 

Petey: “Yeah, he’s playing video games again”

 

Jesus: I looked in the gaming room. he was not present.”

 

St. Pete: “No, he’s down on earth playing video games with his….friend….

 

Jesús: “What, is he playing mario kart again?”

 

St. Petersburg: “No, he’s…., listen, i’ve said too much. Um….. have you heard about the guy who keeps asking where the bathroom is?”

 

Jesus: “Don’t change the subject! First off, there are no bathrooms in heaven because there is no need for bathrooms in Heaven! Now, where is my father?

 

 

DJ Pete of H-Town: “I told you, he’s on earth playing video games….with a friend…..in a hospital…”

 

Jesus (while sighing): “oh no not again

 

The scene: A hospital on Earth

 

 

As old Petey predicted, god is sitting there playing games with none other than the grim reaper.

 

 

Jesus observes the two as they frantically mash buttons, desperate to come out ahead. The heart monitor  is frantically speeding and slowing, its pace apparently tied to either’s side’s fortune .Finally, the game ends,  God is victorious; the heart rate steadies. The grim reaper throws his controller down in disgust. 

 

God: “Take that grim!”

 

Grim: “For the last time, that’s not my name! You’re lucky we made that bargain, or you’d be seriously regretting your bravado!”

 

The grim reaper poofs out of existence before their eyes. 

 

Jesus: Well now, have you had your fun for the day. We have business to attend to.

 

God: Well, you know how it goes. I’m just down here, performing miracles and such….

 

Jesus:

Credit to Don_t for this image

 

God: Okay, fine, you got me. I’m playing hooky once again. I sought solitude for my plans to intervene on Brocky’s weekly fantasy game. He’s going against the defending champ, who’s undefeated at 8-0. The only thing Brocky has going for him is that his opponent’s usual starter, Brady is on a bye, but, said opponent has picked up Robert woods as a flex player this week. Two TD’s for him. Brocky is projected to lose by a slim margin

Fun fact: Robert Woods had not scored a TDsince week 6 of last year, and he had two against Brocky. Joy

 

 

Jesus: Well, once again, the joke is on you.  I did some intervening myself. Leonard Fournette will miss a team meeting, causing a gutsy benching by the Jaguars coach. Brocky will win this week. taking the defending champ down a peg.

 

As so Jesus Spoketh, so it was. Brocky’s record climbs to 5-4, still tied for a playoff spot. What does the future hold? Who the hell knows. From here on out, we’re going to post my record so far.

  • Week 1 L 108.5-147 0-1
    Week 2 W 154.5-122 1-1
    Week 3 W 146-144 2-1
    Week 4 L 125-126 2-2
    Week 5 W 130.5-104 3-2
    Week 6 L 122-139 3-3
    Week 7 W 134.5-112.5 4-3
    Week 8 L 108-120.5 4-4
    Week 9 W 102.5-91.5 5-4

There, now you can see my pain in all its heavenly glory.

Brocky
Brocky

Congratulations, you’ve wondered to the profile the being commonly known as Brocky, step 2 is washing it off.

Brocky is a castaway from the old site, and took part in the great migration of 2015. His tastes can vary from the cynical to the bizarre, and a weird affinity for the band Nightwish.

Brocky is a die hard Chicago fan, and can be found hanging his hat in Indiana, his windbreaker in ohio, and once lost a shoe somewhere in northeast michigan (Don’t worry lefty, you and your brother WILL be reunited)

anything else? feel free to ask…

also, if you’re wondering about the pic, its a hyena carrying a the head of a lion. King of the Ocean my Ass!

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ballsofsteelandfury
Member

If I was Jesus, I’d slap the shit out of Petey for forgetting who I was.

You gonna curse at me, PETE?!? How about a few months in the fifth circle to remind you who I AM?

Senor Weaselo
Member

God always gets blue shells. And lightning.

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