The beautiful tips of the trees outside of Atlanta shake back and forth with a gust of wind. The city in the forest is peaceful on a day in which the biggest game will be played. It’s game day and the fate of Football is at stake.

A gust of wind brings the first signs of snow in many years in the trees of Atlanta. The ice cold hearts of the New England Patriots and their followers, the worst people to ever live, have brought a storm of winter to Atlanta.

The most legendary figures to face the Patriots have banded together to save us all. Rex Ryan has put together a dream team. Nick Foles, Andrew Luck, Rex Ryan, Eli Manning, Rob Ryan and Tim Tebow wait outside the player entrance to the stadium as security surrounds them. Rex paces back and forth, hyping them up. “This is going to work fellas. We got this. Am I going to a guarantee they will fall for it? No, but I guarantee we will attempt to make them fall for it.”

Suddenly, a strong breeze is followed by a whiteout of snow. The streets of Atlanta are freezing over. Ice spreads over the landscape. A roaring thunderous growl of the engine of the Patriots caravan of buses is head as it storms down the road to the player entrance.

Skip Bayless walks out first, in a grey Italian suit, and is followed by several Patriots players. “Hear me and rejoice. You are about to lose at the hands of the Patriots and Tom Brady. Be thankful, that your meaningless careers will now be contributing…”

Andrew Luck, nervous about being the one to speak, blurts out his prepared phrase “Sorry… the uhhh… Super Bowl is cancelled.” He smiles and nods. Even he knows this isn’t the most concrete plan.

Skip scoffs. “It’s not. The crowd is here.” Eli, thinking the are doomed, starts to chew on his shirt collar in nervousness. Ryan Ryan interjects; “It’s just been announced.” He gives an assuring nod to Skip.

Skip tilts his head. “Really? Strange.” Eli, now holding a pen, accidentally pulls it apart causing the different parts to fall on the ground. Eli rushes to pick up the pieces and put it back together. Nick Foles cuts in. “I know, right? But, here we are. Cancelled Super Bowl. History is made every year now. This year… no Super Bowl.”

A bunch of the Patriots players who are getting off the bus look confused and frustrated. “Hmmm.” says Skip. Matt Slater, the special teams captain and known for wearing glasses while not playing Football, appears, looking suspicious. “Is this a joke? You really think this will stop us?” An awkward silence occurs. “It’s the truth. Guess we will see the Patriots next year since all the key players are really young.” says Andrew Luck, smiling thru his glorious beard.

Skip perks up, noticing a player he knows well. “Tim… you would never lie. Is the Super Bowl cancelled?” Tim Tebow moves from behind Rob Ryan, “No Mr. Bayless. The Super Bowl is still happening. We just don’t want the Patriots to play in it.”

Eli bites a crayon in half in anger. Rob Ryan throws his clipboard down in furious rage. Matthew Slater puts his hands up. “See. Super Bowl is still being played. What a waste of time.”

Rex Ryan, with a disappointed look, gasps.“Damnit Tebow, have you considered learning how to lie every now and then? Just a bit?” The patriots march past Rex and his team as they look defeated.

Rob walks up to Rex. “We only have one more option.” says Rob. Rex, frustrated, shakes his head. “No Rob, that’s a crazy stupid idea. You won’t make it in time.” Rob immediately starts power walking toward the parking lot, leaving the rest of the team behind. “Tell McVay to leave 2 roster spots open!” Rob says.

“Where is he going?” asks Nick Foles. Rex scoffs. “It’s all up to the Rams now. They can’t lose this game. Otherwise, football is ruined forever.”

Hours later, the game is on and it’s not looking good. Rex Ryan watches helplessly from a luxury box as barbecue sauce surrounds his sour facial expression. The crowd roars as Rex Burkhead blows past several defenders on a screen pass from Brady, bringing the Patriots to the 14 yard line of the Rams. The Patriots hand off to Sony Michel and grind another 5 yards out of the drive and vital seconds off the clock.

Tom Brady takes a snap at shotgun and tosses the ball short to his most powerful receiver. Rob Gronkowski catches his 6th pass of the night, juking a linebacker and then powering thru two cornerbacks into the endzone for the 9 yard touchdown, his 3rd of the night. Brady headbutts Gronk in the endzone in celebration and then he delivers a monsterous spike. Gronk’s spike is somehow felt right between all of our buttcheeks. Millions of women and men get moist.

Meanwhile, Rob Ryan fishtales around a corner in a 1991 Lincoln Continental, speeding his way down a highway and over the Delaware Memorial Bridge as he passes a sign welcoming him to the most dangerous place on the planet, New Jersey.

Rob drives thru a parking security barrier as a guard runs out of his booth with his hands in the air yelling at the car as it speeds toward the building he’s guarding, the New York Giants Office and Training Facility. The near 30 year old car smashes into the lobby as the door is kicked open, Rob is armed with a refurbished Heckler & Koch HK33 assault rifle. He starts open fire immediately in every direction, regardless if there is any threat to him. There isn’t. Nobody is there. But he’s firing away regardless.

Meanwhile, in the city in the forest, it’s the 4th quarter with 4 minutes and 20 seconds left and the Patriots are up 31-21 on the tired and out-matched LA Rams. Jared Goff hypes up the offense as they make their way onto the field as they quickly need to make it a one score game. Rex Ryan and the rest of his “team” that he assembled watch helplessly from a luxury box, horrified that the Patriots are going to win their 6th Super Bowl and possibly doom the league for a generation.

Jared Goff tosses a deep pass to Brandon Cooks, who makes it to the 42 yard line of the Patriots. They quickly move up to the line of scrimmage and run another play. Todd Gurley catches a pass out wide and gets out of bounds for 9 yards, leaving 3 minutes and 51 seconds on the clock. Next play, Goff throws to Robert Woods for 25 yards and then a touchdown to Gerald Everett with 3 minutes and 14 seconds left on the game clock.

Back to somewhere else, Rob Ryan is at a metal foundry, wearing a welding mask, as he melts down 2 lombardi trophies, revealing magical stones in the center, just as he expected. He turns his mask upward, revealing his stupid happy face. He uses the tongs to place the two stones into an empty 12 oz can of Bumble Bee Solid White Albacore Premium Tuna.

Back at the game, Brady hands off to Sony Michel. 1 yard. Time-out Rams. Brady hands off to Sony Michel again. 3 yards. Time-out Rams. 3rd down, Brady tosses a quick pass to Rob Gronkowski for 8 yards, gaining a new set of downs as the Rams are forced to use their final time-out. Rex Ryan, up high in Mercedes-Benz Stadium, throws his hands up in the air in frustration.

2 minutes and 55 seconds left. A screen pass to James White gets 12 yards, getting a new set of downs for the Patriots and burning more time off the clock. Then a powerful run by Sony Michel, with key blocking from Rob Gronkowski, pushes the Patriots into Rams territory and gives them another first down as the 2 minute warning whistle is blown.

Up in Rex’s luxury box, Eli Manning has a face that depicts his sadness and displeasure caused by the non-fulfillment of his hopes and expectations of the football championship event that is occuring. Rex Ryan is watching in agony over a massive wasteland of wings he’s crushed over the past 3 hours. Andrew Luck is reading a book about paint, barely paying attention to the game. Tim Tebow is praying. Nick Foles has that stupid look on his face but he’s got an enormous phallus, so it’s cool.

Out the 2 minute warning, Brady hands off to Rex Burkhead who pushes forward for 2 yards, burning precious time off the clock. The fans of football all over the world are drowned in dread and are tipping toward the cliff of agony.

Suddenly, the roof of the dome opens and a helicopter lowers into the dome. The entire crowd is bewildered. A rope is thrown off the helicopter to the center of the field as Rob Ryan sends 2 players in Rams gear propelling downward. Landing in the center field, Tom Brady and Bill Belichick look at the 2 figures, stunned and concerned. TYREE and POLLARD, two legendary warriors who have stopped the Patriots in years past, have arrived.

The Patriots line up for the next snap and Pollard is in at safety. The ball is snapped and Brady is back to pass after a fake to Michel. Pollard blitzes Brady, who tucks the ball into his chest before it’s popped out by the majestic fingers of Bernard. Pollard recovers the fumble and the Rams have life.

Tyree is in at wide receiver as Goff throws deep to Robert Woods, who catches a pass wide open due to Tyree being tripled covered. Goff hurries up as there is 47 seconds left and they are on the 40 yard line of the Patriots. Goff spikes the ball, stopping the clock at 36 seconds.

McVay having balls of steel decides to go for it all. He wants to win here. They go 5 wide and they go for the Hail Mary. Goff throws deep to the endzone. Tyree jumps up to snag the pass but he is pushed away and the ball is intercepted by Daron Harmon, effectively ending the game and securing the victory for the Patriots.

The confetti falls and the entire world sits in anger and disappointment. Rex Ryan and his team of elite NFL players and Tim Tebow stand in their luxury box frustrated. Rex cries and tries to wipe the tears and barbeque sauce off his face with a napkin but ends up smearing more sauce on his face because the same napkin had already been used 16 times already.

Suddenly, the door to the room flies open as noted fortune teller Max Kellerson enters and puts his right hand on the left shoulder of Rex. “I’m disappointed that you didn’t come to me for advice on stopping the Patriots given my vast intellect. I think there is only one option you have left us with. We must stop this from ever happening. We must kill the tree at the source. We must go back to where it all began.”

Andrew Luck, confused, looks at Max. “Where was that?” Tim Tebow blurts out his guess. “America?” “New Orleans?” says Foles. Eli goes deep as he picks his nose. Rex looks at Max. “When are you talking about?” Max smiles. “Wide Right. We must go back in time and make sure Norwood makes that kick. We cannot let the game that built Bill’s career end the same way. That’s the only way to truly stop the Patriots from crushing the NFL and turning away millions of fans.”

Nick Foles, confused, scratches his head. “But how?” Max smirks. “Time travel. How do you think I know Tom Brady’s body will fail?” The entire room smiles and nods in agreement.

1 hour later, in an alternate timeline, Rex Ryan, Max Killerson, Eli Manning, Nick Foles and Tim Tebow arrive out of a wormhole in the middle of a parking lot in Atlanta outside the old Georgia dome. They drop to their knees, puking and exhausted from the time travel trip they just endured.

Rex Ryan is the only man to feel absolutely fine after the journey through space and time. He immediately runs up to a parking attendant who witnessed their epic arrival. “Sir. Where is the Super Bowl? What happened?”

“The Super Bowl was last week, in Cleveland.” says the parking attendant. Rex, confused, grabs the parking attendant’s shirt in frustration. “Why is it in Cleveland?” The attendant, also confused, responds. “It’s in Cleveland every year.”

Rex looks around as he sees a massive advertisement on the side of the building for BELICHICK 2K19, showing Bill Belichick in a Browns hoodie with a playstation controller in his hand. Rex falls on his back and screams at the top of his lungs. “NOOOOOOOAAAAAHHHHH!”

Foles wipes the puke off his face as he approaches Rex and then looks back at everyone else, seemingly having an epiphany of some kind. “Okay… I’ll be the one to say it. If this is what needed to happen for EA to fuck off, so be it.”