The Wednesdayer (S1, E5 – Sales Prep)

blaxabbath

blaxabbath

I sat on a jury years ago, 2nd degree attempted murder case. One day the defendant wore sneakers with his suit to court. It was that day I knew he was guilty.
blaxabbath

 


Tyrel Jackson Williams: Hello everyone and welcome to another edition of The Wednesdayer, a new product where Peter King discusses with you his love of all things construction and home improvement related. This is a show about you, the listeners, so we’re going to open up the lines right now at KL-Five, two-four —


Peter King: Actually, I think I’m going to go ahead and get on my soap box a bit this week. I do think it’s important that we talk to the fans, sure, but there’s a question I don’t think we get enough on here that I’d like to discuss today, if you don’t mind Charles.

Williams: Tyrel.

King: Great! I’d like to get right into today because we’ve had a busy couple weeks off the air in our pre-draft coverage and post-draft analysis. Lots of action and I think great moves were made by everyone. I mean, Nick Bosa at two? What a catch for San Francisco. Tough guy with a good attitude. Makes all the right decisions. He’s going to be a fan favorite there, count on it. But there’s also a lot not to like about Bosa — specifically, why we went second.

Williams: You’re of the opinion that Bosa should have been one, rather than quarterback Kyler Murray?

King: Every team needs something different on draft day. I spoke with Kansas City’s Brett Veach before the draft and you think he was thinking about Murray? Of course not, Charles! They got league MVP Patrick Mahomes under center with veteran presence EJ Manuel holding the clipboard. So Mahomes is Russell Wilson-like and Kyler Murray has a lot of Mahomes traits so you can see where this is going.

Williams: It’s a copycat league.

King: It is! And that’s where the Bosa camp really missed the boat. The Bosa brand is so strong in the NFL right now. It’s like pallet wood barn doors or faux midcentury modern pieces. But the Russell Wilson product has become a reliable feature that everyone loves because it’s got a high floor and, to the adventurous and creative types like Kliff Kingsbury, a remarkable ceiling. Like subway tile in the bathroom. You ever been to a place with white subway tile in the bathroom and been like, “Oh no. Can’t work with this.”?

Williams: Can’t say I have.

King: So why is Bosa — a trendy edge rusher — getting passed up by subway tile? You seen Arizona’s roster? These guys could bring in some beige paint with that $0.88/SF tan porcelain tile and they’d already be 1.5 games improved over their 2018 team. Especially when they knew Miami was interested in Josh Rosen, they could have packaged that paint-tile combination with a second-rounder before draft day and, viola, you got Ryan Fitzpatrick in a Cardinals jersey and some actual leverage in dealing that first overall pick. So the real failure is Cardinals GM Steve Keim and Team President, Michael Bidwill, who did not adequately market Bosa to other teams.

Williams: Where are we going with this Peter?

King: Curb appeal! ROI! It’s not about having the nicest house on the block, is it LA Rams? It’s about value, right Mr Robert Kraft? As savvy about building a value-based roster as he is at selecting cost-effective slaves owned by Russian spies who dine with the President for his discount handjobs, Mr Kraft is a hero to all NFL fans because he shows the right way, The Patriot Way. The Cardinals selected Kyler Murray because they got too close. Got too involved. Cared too much. Started to believe their own sales pitches about the value of that pick or Murray himself.

Williams: When they should have been taking a closer look at Bosa?

King: WHEN THEY SHOULD HAVE REALIZED THEY ARE FLIPPING A CONDEMNED SHACK BEING USED AS A METH LAB THAT IS SITTING ON AN UNDERSIZED LOT IN A DIVISION OF SEATTLE, LA, AND SAN FRANCISCO REAL ESTATE!

Williams: I don’t….

King: Don’t waste money on details when you’re not selling a move-in ready house. If you’re not going to paint your daughter’s pink bedroom before sale, don’t worry about the window treatments in there. If the kitchen cabinets are dated, don’t go spend fifteen thousand to replace your laminate countertops with granite. Hall closet didn’t get painted? Well, maybe the next guy will paint it. Get the place clean, get your crap out of there, stage it up, and let in the natural light.

Williams: And you say this advice will help home sellers with properly prioritizing their efforts and energy when preparing to sell their homes?

King: Maybe. So many buyers are looking for different things. They say things like “kitchens sell”, you know? So I think that’s where you might want to be looking at upgrades, you know. Shaker cabinets are always a hit or granite countertops sometimes. I’d look at installing a wall-mount pot-filler faucet because that investment could really pan out to be worth some money at closing. Point is, there is just no excuse for not sticking to a plan when selling or remodeling your home. Which is exactly what the Cardinals have done with hiring Kliff Kingsbury, removing that mezuzah, and installing that subway tile in a herringbone pattern all across the floor, backsplash, and ceiling of the Big Red Kitchen. The Giants look to be successfully moving in such a brilliant direction as well. Not sure if Denver has quite made the commitment.

Williams: How about the heaving foundation that is the Arizona offensive line?

King: Put a rug over it. Most of these home inspectors don’t know what they’re looking for anyways so just leave them a couple obvious things — no outlet faceplate in the living room or a squeaky door hinge — and they’ll make their two notes and move on. Simple stuff, Charles, really.

Williams: So there you have it. Kitchens and mezuzahs. See you next time on The Wednesdayer.


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blaxabbath
blaxabbath
I sat on a jury years ago, 2nd degree attempted murder case. One day the defendant wore sneakers with his suit to court. It was that day I knew he was guilty.
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Mr. AyoballsofsteelandfuryRikki-Tikki-DeadlyblaxabbathBrettFavresColonoscopy Recent comment authors
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Mr. Ayo
Mr. Ayo

I can’t help but read these posts in Brockmire’s voice. Which make them way more hilarious.

ballsofsteelandfury

Peter King talking kitchen remodels is going to drive me to drink.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

So where does everyone think the rumors about the Raiders trading up for Murray came from?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Pretty sure they took down the mezuzah when they traded Rosen…