That’s My Raiders! Are You Ready For Some QUARANTINE?

EXT. OAKLAND RAIDERS SHARED HOUSE – DAY

Establishing shot and title card.

ANNOUNCER BETH MOWINS: The Raiders Extraordinary Playbook [sic] is filmed in front of a live steering wheel [sic] audience.

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CUT TO – INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY

KOLTON MILLER sits on the couch, munching from a big bag of Hawaiian Sweet Maui Onion Flavored Kettle Style Potato Chips. A dozen unopened bags are piled next to him on the couch.

— [door flies open] —

KOLTON MILLER: Oh, hey guys.

MAXX CROSBY: Greetings, buddy.

ARDEN KEY: [glances at the bags of chips] I see you’re all stocked up for the pandemic, eh?

KOLTON: Pandemic?

ARDEN: Yeah, man, didn’t you hear?  There’s a really dangerous virus going around.  Sean Payton’s got it.  They’re already talking about canceling training camp and everything.  A lot of people are probably going to die.  It’s scary.

MAXX: Terrifying, really.

KOLTON: Oh no!  Well what can we do about it?

ARDEN: Well, first off, it’s probably not a good idea to leave the house right now.

KOLTON: [resettles himself into the couch cushions] Okay, I can probably handle that.  What else?

— [kitchen door flies open] —

MARQUEL LEE: I thought I heard voices out here.  What’s happening, fellas?

KOLTON: They’re telling me about this new virus that’s going around.

MARQUEL: Oh, that China virus thing.

ARDEN: It’s called COVID-19, Marquel.  Or coronavirus.

KOLTON: What’s wrong with calling it the China virus?

ARDEN: It’s racist.

MARQUEL: It is? But I thought it came from that place, you know, sounded something like Wu Tang?

ARDEN: Wuhan.  And yes, when it first appeared people were referring to it as such without particular malice.  But once the WHO formalized its name, COVID-19 or “coronavirus” is how it should be referred to.  Calling it anything else is in service of an agenda – whether that’s intentional or not. Now that agenda might be something innocuous, like if you were to call it “Mexican Beer AIDS” your agenda would be to lighten things up with a little dark humor.  But there’s nothing funny about “China virus” – the whole point of calling it that is to reinforce its association with China and attempt to assign blame to the Chinese for our own government’s failure to adequately prepare for this crisis.

KOLTON: Oh.  I never thought of it that way.

ARDEN: That’s all right, buddy.  I didn’t either until I talked to our old friend Sunshine – he’s had a lot of friends that are facing racist backlash already – and that’s the last thing we need to start doing at a time like this.

KOLTON: So is there a vaccine or something I can take? I’m kinda nervous about those after seeing what they did to Mr. Davis.

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CUT TO – RAIDERS HEADQUARTERS

MARK DAVIS: [pounding his fists on the negotiating table] GIVE TOM BRADY ALL THE MONEY!

RETURN CUT TO – LIVING ROOM

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ARDEN: That wasn’t vaccines, Kolton.  Mr. Davis is just…an uncomplicated man.  But, no, unfortunately there’s no vaccine available yet for COVID-19, Kolton.  And there might not be one for quite a while.

MAXX: Indeed.

KOLTON: So what should I do?

ARDEN: One of the best things you can do right now is to help slow down the spread of it.  That means washing your hands, refraining from touching your face, and practicing social distancing.

MARQUEL: What’s “social distancing”?

ARDEN: It’s when you try to keep at least six feet away from everyone at all times.

MARQUEL: [furrows brow]

ARDEN: So when you see a random person on the street, just pretend that they’re Travis Kelce and you’re supposed to be covering them.

MARQUEL: Oh, I get it!

ARDEN: Somebody should probably let Derek know.

KOLTON: That’s probably not necessary.  He’s been social distancing since before it was cool.

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CUT TO – DEREK’S ROOM

DEREK CARR sits on his bed listening to Pierce the Veil. A timid knock is heard at the door.

DEREK CARR: GO AWAY!

RETURN CUT TO – LIVING ROOM

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KOLTON: So why’d you guys come over here if we’re supposed to be social distancing everybody?

ARDEN: We just wanted to drop by and quickly say hi to the new guy.

MARQUEL: New guy?

KOLTON: Yeah, you didn’t hear?

— [door flies open] —

MARCUS MARIOTA: Hey, are you guys ready to play some football?

EVERYONE: Hi Marcus!

MARQUEL: Welcome to the Raiders.

MARCUS: Thanks.  [looks directly at Kolton Miller] Hey, it’s my new blindside protector!

KOLTON: I heard you’re from Hawaii, Mr. Mariota.

MARCUS: That’s right.

KOLTON: Do you…[looks down bashfully]

ARDEN: It’s okay, Kolton, go ahead and ask him.

KOLTON: [looks up] Do you guys have pork rinds in Hawaii?

MARCUS: [laughs] We sure do, Kolton.  In fact, sometimes, we have a big fire on the beach and we cook a WHOLE pig all at once. It’s called a luau.

KOLTON: Wow, that sounds like heaven…

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CUT TO – AIRPORT DEPARTURES TERMINAL

An enraged, Hawaiian-shirt clad ANDY REID is seen arguing furiously with a ticket agent.

RETURN CUT TO – LIVING ROOM

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MARCUS: [looks around] So this is Casa de Raiders, huh?  Looks cozy.

ARDEN: [checks a notification on his cellphone] It better be – the mayor just invoked a shelter-in-place decree.

KOLTON: What does that mean?

ARDEN: It means we’re all stuck here until they lift the order.

MARQUEL: All the Raiders, under one roof?  I hope you guys are ready to get zany!

Audience laughter, cut to commercial.

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