
What do you think about civil wars, Jim?

I’d say we’re probably bound for one soon if things keep on the way they have been thus far.

Since I’ve watched all the film that’s ever been created in the history of football, and with the league still not letting us run workouts over webcam 20 hours a day, I’m on to reading everything I can about civil war stuff. Not just here in the US, either.

Oh Johnny. I know all about civil wars. The Boxer Rebellion, General Franco, Soviets in Afghanistan… you name it, I know it. But what do you know about chimpanzee civil war, brother of mine?
THE GOMBE CHIMPANZEE WAR
Combatant 1: A group of chimpanzees
Combatant 2: Another group of chimpanzees
Location of Conflict: Gombe Stream National Park, Tanzania

What happened? In 1974, warfare erupted between groups of chimpanzees in Gombe Stream National Park, where famed primatologist Dr. Jane Goodall completed much of her groundbreaking work. According to Goodall’s research notes, the discovery that other species engaged in violent conflict was an earth-shattering revelation for many wildlife experts. Dr. Goodall has noted that some female chimps will kill, and sometimes even eat, the young of other female chimps in order to maintain their power and dominance in the social hierarchy of a group… which is pretty crazy in and of itself. But as her research showed, there was much yet to be discovered about chimpanzee behavior and its subsequent relation to the development of human behaviors and interactions.

In Goodall’s work, she broke with what had been traditional practise up to about 1960 by giving every chimp their own individual and distinct name, which she felt fit well with the behaviors and personality of each animal. As such, the combatants for the Gombe Chimpanzee War were as follows:
Kasakela: Figan (alpha chimp), Humphrey, Mike, Satan, Sherry, Evered, Rodolf, Jomeo
Kahama: Hugh & Charlie (co-alpha chimps), Godi, De, Goliath, Willy Wally, Sniff (adolescent)
All these names rule, quite honestly. It sets the stage nicely for the bloodbath that was to follow.

The Kasakela took over the Kahama territory and took control of the three remaining females left, but their victory was short-lived; thanks to border skirmishes with the neighboring Kalande tribe, the Kasakela were forced to give up most of their territorial gains shortly after the war’s end in 1978. The Kasakela tribe lives on to this day; the current alpha male is Fudge, who is Figan’s grand-nephew. He has had control of the tribe since 2016, when he asserted his dominance over his uncle Ferdinand.

Good news is I’ve got an inside line to recruiting these guys. So long as we can get the helmets and gloves on ’em, that is. They could be the greatest special teamers of all time if we do away with the fair catch rule, really…

Jimmy, I know there was that time in our teens when I almost managed to steal your eyeballs, but all I’m saying is that if you’re not careful, those apes may well make you pay for it this time. Charlton Heston had a point, brother of mine.
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Information for this article taken from here, here, here, here, here, here, and here. Banner image by The Maestro.
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