The scene: The future, where Horatio Cornblower, Moosemas Gorilla, Otto and PK are currently wandering through the Wasteland after escaping from the cops.

PK: Gee, it sure is hot out here.

Otto’s Brain: We know.

PK: Do you think maybe we’ll run into a Starbuck’s? I could really use a double-whip frappuccino.

Horatio Cornblower: I don’t think so. I remember Moose mentioning one time that he had them all blasted out of existence.

PK: Aw, that’s too bad. I really liked their cake pops.

Horatio Cornblower: Ugh. Try eating real food sometime, PK. It’d do wonders for your waistline.

PK (glancing back): Hey, guys…

Otto’s Brain: I remember eating. It’s really kind of overrated. I’m a big fan of the liquid lunch program.

PK (nervously): Guys…!

Horatio Cornblower: Well, sure, but you’re basically a rolling jello shot, Otto.

Moosemas Gorilla (nodding): Ook.

PK (screaming): GUYS!!!

Horatio, Moosemas Gorilla and Otto turn to see PK in the grip of a scorpion the size of a Dodge Charger. Its tail twitches menacingly as it advances on the DFOers.

Horatio Cornblower: Holy crap! One more reason to hate it here!

Otto’s Brain: What the frek, man? This place is like if Ray Harryhausen designed hell!

Moosemas Gorilla: Ook!

The scorpion lunges at the three, its free claw clacking. Moosemas Gorilla, Horatio Cornblower on his shoulder, springs back as Otto rolls out of the way. PK, held firmly in the other claw, screeches annoyingly.

PK (screeching): Guys! Help!!!

Otto’s Brain: What do you want us to do, PK? Reason with it?

The scorpion lunges again. Moosemas Gorilla jumps over the grasping claw and scoops up Otto, then holds him up defensively as the scorpion’s stinger strikes.

Otto’s Brain (annoyed): Hey! I know I’m bulletproof, but…

The giant scorpion’s stinger, capable of impaling a full-grown human, slashes down at Otto.

Needless to say, it doesn’t do anything. It strikes dead-center with enough force to penetrate half an inch of steel, but Otto just giggles.

Otto’s Brain: Hey, that tickles!

Irritated, the giant scorpion strikes again. And again. And, not really being too bright in the first place, again. It does nothing but increase the intensity of Otto’s giggles, which seems to infuriate the beast even more. Angrily, it pokes at Otto with enough force to cut a man in half…which results in the stinger shattering like fine crystal dropped onto a granite floor.

Horatio Cornblower: Whoa! Hey, nice job, pal! You really showed that big arachnid a thing or two!

Otto’s Brain (as the giggles die down): He showed that thing? In case you hadn’t noticed, I’m the one doing all the work here!

Moosemas Gorilla: Ook? Ook!

Horatio Cornblower: He’s got a point, Otto. I mean, you came in handy, no doubt. But it’s not Captain America’s shield that gets the credit, if you know what I mean.

Otto’s Brain (offended): Well Maybe it should! After all, what is Cap without the shield? Just another bundle of ‘roid rage in a fancy costume.

Moosemas Gorilla: Ook?

Horatio Cornblower: Whoa! Hey now, Otto! Don’t say something you’re gonna regret! There’s no way Cap’s on the juice!

Otto’s Brain: Are you kidding? Super-soldier serum, my ass! Good ol’ Professor Erskine just shot up Steve Rogers with some military-grade steroids. Let’s face it, Cap didn’t exactly get those 24” pythons the old-fashioned way.

Moosemas Gorilla: Ook!

PK: Guys…?!!

Horatio Cornblower: You’re treading on thin ice here, Otto…

Otto’s Brain: You come down to it, without the shield Cap’s nothing more than a buffed-up star-spangled Daredevil.

Moosemas Gorilla: Ook!

Horatio Cornblower: I can’t believe you said that!

Otto’s Brain: Truth hurts, guys.

PK: GUYS!!!

The three DFOers look up from their argument, just as the giant scorpion grabs up Moosemas Gorilla in its free claw, and taking Horatio and Otto along with him. The huge arachnid waves the DFOers in the air triumphantly.

Otto’s Brain: Crapcakes! Why didn’t you warn us, PK?!!

PK: I tried to, but you guys kept arguing about Captain Marvel…

Horatio Cornblower: Captain America, dumbass!

Otto’s Brain: Hey, you sound just like Fozz!

Horatio Cornblower: We’re all going to be sounding very dead soon if we don’t get free!

Otto’s Brain: Well, you guys maybe. I’m Captain America’s shield, remember?

Horatio Cornblower (to Moosemas Gorilla): Hey, that gives me an idea…

Moosemas Gorilla (nodding in agreement): Ook!

Otto’s Brain: Hey! You’d better not…

With a mighty heave, Moosemas Gorilla hurls Otto right at the scorpion’s head. Or at least, where the head would be if it wasn’t an icky, creepy, nightmarish arachnid. The globe strikes with a loud, squicking sound, having embedded into one of the creature’s many eyes. Enraged, the creature scrabbles back and forth, waving the DFOers haphazardly in the air as it reels from the pain.

Otto, stuck in the eye, is also enraged.

Otto’s Brain (enraged): You dick! What the hell did you think was going to happen?

Moosemas Gorilla (hanging onto Horatio as he’s waved through the air): Ook? Ook-ook!

Horatio Cornblower: It seemed like a good idea…

PK (in the other claw): EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

The angry scorpion starts to tighten its grip, causing PK to screech even more, and Moosemas Gorilla to hold onto Horatio with one paw while fighting against the crushing claw with the other. It all seems pretty dire, quite honestly.

But suddenly, the roar of a powerful engine cuts through the air. The ground itself rumbles as the sound gets closer and closer.

Otto’s Brain: Hey, PK, is that just your stomach or…

A shadow falls over the scorpion as a monster truck with the logo “Blonde Fury” hits a rise and flies toward them. It comes crashing down on the scorpion on the front wheels, almost turns over, then spins around in an awesome display of four-wheeled power.

Needless to say, this is not great for the scorpion. As a matter of fact, it’s somewhat fatal, as chitin splinters, goo splatters and guts explode. The scorpion’s thorax turns into jelly almost instantly, covering the DFOers in a disgusting layer of slime. Even so, the monster truck spins around in place for another thirty seconds or so, until nothing is left of the scorpion but the two giant claws holding PK and Moosemas Gorilla.

Horatio Cornblower (dripping goo): What. The. Hell.

Covalent Blonde pops out of the driver’s side window with a wave.

Covalent Blonde: Hey, guys! I thought that was you.

Otto’s Brain (rolling out from under the monster truck): Hey, CB! Y’know, that thing was dead the second you hit it. You didn’t have to turn it into scorpion jelly.

Covalent Blonde: Jeez, pardon me for saving your lives!

Moosemas Gorilla (throwing off the scorpion’s claw): Ook.

Horatio Cornblower: It’s not that we’re not grateful, CB. We’re just…sticky.

Covalent Blonde: Yeah, you guys look pretty gross. Well, look, the Iguana Mart has hot showers. Just head west for about 5 miles and you’re there. It’s really hard to miss.

Otto’s Brain: You’re not going to give us a ride?

Covalent Blonde: Ah, I’d love to, guys. Really. But the truck’s brand new, it still has that cool new car smell and I really don’t want to get it all…sticky.

Future Clone Debbie Harry (sticking her head out of the passenger side window): And we need to be running along. Oh, why there you are, PK!

PK (trying to get out of the claw): Empress! Gosh, I sure missed you! I was almost eaten by a squirrel, and then I almost drowned, and then monkeys attacked me…

Future Clone Debbie Harry (impatient): Yes, yes. Let’s not make everything about you. Now get out of that ridiculous claw and meet us back at the Iguana Mart. You have some manual labor to do!

PK (struggling with the claw): OK, Empress!

Covalent Blonde (revving the engine): Just follow the tire marks, guys!

Covalent Blonde spins the monster truck around once more, sending gunk spraying everywhere, then roars off into the distance.

Moosemas Gorilla: Ook.

Horatio Cornblower: No kidding. I can’t believe we have to walk another five miles.

Otto’s Brain (rolling by): Speak for yourself! Some of us just roll with life’s punches!

Horatio Cornblower: Shut up, Otto.

PK (walking behind the rest, still held by the claw): Hey, guys, do scorpions taste like crab…?

To be continued…