Since summer of 2019, when we previewed the Hannah B. season finale of ABC’s The Bachelorette, [DFO] has been silent on the happenings of Bachelor Nation. I don’t entirely remember the order of if this is true — and I’m not going to put in any more effort into this post than going back and getting some images from a couple google searches at the end — but….
So Hannah B. got engaged to Jed at the end but it turned out that Jed WAS into for his music career AND kind of had another girlfriend with who he had not been upfront with Hannah B. so she left him and ended up with the other guy, Pete the Pilot, but then that thing I told you about with the so-called girlfriend that probably wasn’t really a big deal, well BELIEVE OR NOT People Magazine at Yahoo! Entertainment MAY have downplayed the issue and found Pete the Pilot to be Pete the Player because there was much more womanizing than Hannah B. had expected (but, when my wife told me the story, I barely batted an eye because I was always like, “how does this guy not have three chicks at every airport?” and so I was right about that guy) and so she ended up ditching him and ending up with Tyler which is exactly how every single sequence on the show worked out because Hannah B. is crazy and then Tyler is the guy she goes to when she gets all crazied out. That’s all.
PLUS, conveniently enough, I always expect Pete the Pilot to be the next The Bachelor AND HE WAS! I didn’t bother writing about this season because The Bachelor is just really not a very interesting show. Drama between young women is really superficial when said women are beauty queens. ABC tried this thing where Pete’s mom is kind of crazy and dramatic but….it’s just a bunch of hoes being hoes. Like, “wow, I wonder if this guy will end up with Miss Georgia Bell 2014 or completely fuck up and marry Miss Southern California Bikini Model 2015 like an idiot!”.
So Pete’s season had this stupid ending and one of the girls who got left out of it was Tayshia Adams. Pictured in the banner, Tayshia is a phlebotomist-turned-influencer who seemed like a good front-runner to be this season’s The Bachelorette. But then ABC took us all for a turn and announced Clare Crawley, at 39 years old, would be the oldest bachelorette in history. I think this was part of the twist that went well with the filmed-under-quarantine remastering of the 2020 edition of the show. Whereas previous years meant romantic travels across the globe and wild, adrenaline-pumping dates, Clare would be stuck having a COVID-19 The Bachelorette experience where she and her suitors would be staying at the beautiful La Quinta Resort in Palm Springs, CA.
The Clare season lasted only a few episodes as she basically found one guy and then was like, “I’m 39! I know what I want! It’s MATURE when these spinsters lock one down!” So they let her and the guy take off and, IN A TWIST, supplemented the remaining pool of guys with fresh blood and introduced Tayshia as The Bachelorette.
Tayshia — who you may recall from the banner image in one of TWBS’s Friday posts last year — is a pretty good Bachelorette. She seems more grounded and a lot more intelligent that the Hannah B.’s of the world. She’s also divorced. That’s a big thing they like to lean on for some reason. So she’s been doing her thing and, yeah, it’s pretty different. Nothing worth really discussing in detail here though so let’s move on to the remaining contestants as we prepare for night one of the two-night finale.
Brendan
Brendan is a commercial roofer from somewhere out east and I really do not understand the guy. Oh, he also had a young marriage and is divorced too. He seems like a nice guy but he’s not very hunky — in fact, with the elimination of Army Veteran (which I don’t consider a job) of Ben, the remaining three are not typical bro-style men — but Brendan has always been popular with Tayshia so maybe it’s just a vibe thing or whatever. Typically, the last dates before the finale are Fantasy Suites — which means overnight dates where the contestants get to finally have sex. I could see him doing well but, I don’t know, I’m not putting my money on Brendan.
Ivan
I like Ivan but he ain’t gonna win. Ivan is like a chemical engineer down in Texas and is just a good, quiet dude. Ivan was built for this season because the dates are all pretty slow and, for example, his first one-on-one date was just like “a quiet evening at home” with Tayshia. In any other season, Ivan would be overwhelmed by the pure speed and competitiveness of all the Xtreme dates. So I think he’s having a 2007 Derek Anderson performance right now but, come on, this is his excitement ceiling. Tayshia wants to be a celebrity as her career and is a basically normal guy compatible with that? I think not — but it’s a good play by Tayshia to seem deep.
Zac
Zac is a drug addiction specialist (yes, the Hippo kind) from New Jersey. He’s got pretty good game but I think he’s funny lookin’. Also, he’s a drug addict. Yes yes, I know I know, we’re all God’s creatures and stuff but, again, Tayshia is looking to be a celebrity. Still, a lot of people like Zac to be front-runner and, well, I’m not the expert so we shall see.
Ben
Ben was the last contestant eliminated but seemed to be in the driver’s seat before then. One ‘twist’ with this show is that eliminated contestants return pretty regularly to make some play for like, “I know I didn’t tell you I loved you on the first night but now I know I do. Also you’re so strong and I love that you make me better. So I love you.” And it just so happens that Ben was punted because he had not been showing his emotions to Tayshia. So, is he coming aback with some romantic gesture to take the multiethnic woman that is rightfully his? Some might say so.
Or, if you want the short version, just enjoy the ABC commercial bringing you up to speed.
Or, you know, waste your Monday night watching the 11-2 Pittsburgh Steelers battle the 2-10-1 Cincinnati Bengals. Your call.
[…] The Final Rose: The Bachelorette Two-Day Finale Preview – December 21, 2020 […]
I remember having a discussion with indee if my friends where we were trying to figure out how many people they had been intimate with in one particular 24 hour period. I think we settled on 3, which seemed impressive.
> with indee if my friends
I don’t understand this part but my own personal record was three in 48 hours. And before anyone makes jokes, yes, they were all human women.
I’m still proud of it.
Stupid autocorrect. I’m leaving it as is so your joke is not spoiled.
Btw, yes, my friend in the story is a girl.
You should also be proud of the fact that the word “to” autocorrects on my phone to either rikki or tikki.
Reading this post it occurs to me that what this show does is resurrect some of the old tropes that romantic comedies used to rely on but can’t any more.
It used to be that a standard romantic comedy plot was “will the Love Interest marry Our Hero, or That Jerk?” But that didn’t hold up well in an era when it’s not all that common for people to go directly from “dating many people” to “engaged to one person,” much less from “engaged to one person” to “engaged to someone else.” There’s usually a period of “let’s date exclusively and see if it works out before someone proposes,” which makes a lot of sense in real life but doesn’t make for a satisfying dramatic ending, which is why screenwriters had to invent a lot of contrived scenarios like “the Love Interest is going to move to a faraway place which will kill any chance of getting together with Our Hero because long distance relationships aren’t a thing shut up they just aren’t, so can Our Hero get to the airport in time to declare his/her love and change her/his mind?”
But The Bachelor(ette) just says “fuck it, we’re going to re-create the dating environment of the 1950s and pretend that the lead just absolutely has to go from dating all these people to marrying one.” And the audience I guess says “sure, that sounds like fun, we’ll play along even though we know it’s contrived.”
Yes, I have put way too much thought into analyzing a show that I don’t watch.
The interesting part is she’s expected to have sex with each of these guys and then choose one to marry. Within a week.
Like you said, it’s not real life. However, were people in the 50s banging away until their engagement party?
I’m not old enough to have firsthand knowledge, but:
(1) there was definitely a lot more premarital sex in the 50s than the common image of a conservative society would have you believe. The statistics on births by women in their teens or very early 20s tend to bear that out. Of course, lots of those births ended up being technically “in wedlock” thanks to shotgun weddings.
(2) I’m not sure it stopped at the engagement party. Here I’m relying on old movies and tv shows rather than stats, which is shaky ground I admit, but it was common to imply or outright state that the bachelor party (often right before the wedding) was the bachelor’s last chance to fuck other women.
People in every era were banging away, all the time. I thought this was obvious to everybody by now.
Can I bet on the Bachelorette? At least I can win* money on shitty football
*let’s be real here, lose
It’s all finished before the premier airs so I doubt there are any wagers allowed on that front but I see oddshark has odds about if she’ll end up marrying the winner (they end with an engagement proposal, by design) or like the runner up so, to an extent, it seems like you can get your non-pill Hippo fix.
“The Great Granny Crawley” is fucking hilarious!
Quality work. One question: we can see the new one is part black. What are the other parts?
Mexican mom, black dad. But I’d like to see if I could get a little blax in her.
I could see that. Most likely not the other way around…
If I wanted to watch a bunch of stealers facing off against cats I’d just watch the Million Dollar Listing / Real Housewives of Boca Raton crossover episode.
/man, I am out of joke-making shape.
I’m out of joke-judging shape because I laughed at that!
This will help both of us
Genius!
Little Johnny = Future DFO Commenter