Hey, remember that big long screed I went on last week about how at least the Olympics were good to save us from the Summer Sports Doldrums?

Yeah, now we don’t even have.

It’s a bitter wasteland of both the eyes and the soul, where we must choose between godawful Trudge Time baseball and the NBA Summer League, aka the League of Lies. Oh, look at the hot young talent we just drafted…as he immediately suffers Exploding Ligament Disorder. Or better yet, your team plays well against the other youngsters and scrubs and proceeds to shit the bed when the players whose contracts are comparable to a country’s GDP show back up.

Also, didn’t we just have basketball? Between the World’s Longest Playoffs, the draft and the Olympics, we are All Balled Out. No more bouncing. Let this stand as a monument for any idiot who waves the flag for Year-Round Football: contrary to the American ethos, sometimes too much is worse.

Even the NFL news is boring. The Saints’ Patrick Robinson decided to Nope Out and retire on the edge of the preaseason. Neither Aaron Rodgers nor Deshaun Watson will likely play before the season starts. The “quarterback” battles in both Denver and Indy are in dead heats, with an emphasis on “dead”.

So, I suggest you use tonight to step back, relax, and prepare for the coming NFL Season. Maybe organize that sockdrawer. Pick up that cross-stitch set that’s been in the closet since 1979. Give your significant other a foot massage.

Or just masturbate. Whatever. No judgment.

I personally will be praying for death as I race between a pukey wife and a pukey toddler. Should Thanatos, the Universal Death Force, fail to grant my wish, I will be watching FDR: American Badass. It is one of Barry Bostwick’s finest performances as Roosevelt, stricken with polio when bitten by a Nazi werewolf.

It really is the best option other than death.