[A 1985 Camaro IROC-Z squeals its tires, bursting onscreen to the sounds of Judas Priest’s “Breakin’ The Law”.]

BOSS TODD IS FUCKIN’ BACK, BITCHES!

LOOKS LIKE THAT STUPID INTERNET ASSHOLE IS LOSIN’ FUCK TONS OF MONEY AGAIN. No, not THAT stupid internet asshole, the OTHER one. With the bad jokes and all the kids that won’t talk to him. Gettin’ so bad he had to cut the prices of his cars for the second time this year. So I figured, fuck it, why not scoot around for a little while in a Model 3 to see what all the fuss is about?

Hahah. You dumb thunderfuck. Not the electric one. THIS one. LOOK ME IN THE GOD DAMN EYES WHEN I’M SHOUTING AT YOU, COWARD!

THE KING MIDGET MODEL 3

Model Year: 1957

Total units produced: ~3000

Vehicle type: two-seater convertible

Engine: Kohler K301 or Wisconsin single-cylinder, air-cooled; 9.2-12 hp

Drivetrain: RWD (rear-engine mounted), no differential; chain-driven right rear wheel only

Transmission: two-speed automatic

Gross weight: 700 lbs.

0-60 time: not a chance

Top speed: 50 mph

Vehicle cost: $900 (1957 pricing)

What makes this car interesting?

We’ve seen a number of microcars so far in our time in this series; some have been really clever, while others have been absolute deathtraps. This one might have started its life as the latter, but ended it rather as the former.

At the end of World War II, American industry was rapidly changing gears, ramping down production of military materiel and pivoting back towards consumer goods for the first time in many years. With the economy prospering, demand for consumer vehicles jumped once again, and many new upstart companies wanted to try their hand at stealing some market share away from the Big Three of GM, Ford, and Chrysler. Enter Midget Motors Corporation.

Midget Motors’ founders, Claud Dry and Dale Orcutt, were originally pilots, but turned to car design later in their careers. Their first version of the King Midget, released in 1948, was originally just a kit closely resembling a small boxcar, but subsequent additions and redesigns continued to enhance and improve the original version of a cheap, simple, compact and lightweight vehicle suitable for most daily driving needs. The Model 2 made a few waves in a series of ads in Popular Science magazine, advertising “a 500-pound car for $500” in 1951 – a steal even in those days.

In 1957, the King Midget Model 3 was released, and compared to the first two versions of the vehicle, it was a significant upgrade. There was now a reverse gear, four-wheel hydraulic brakes, electric starter, windshield wiper, seatbelts, carpeting, and a radio – compared to the early days of the Model 1, which lacked even such simple things as door latches or a speedometer, the Model 3 was luxurious for what it was. Compared to its main competitor, the Crosley (yes, the same company that makes modern cheap portable record players for millennial assholes), it was smaller, lighter and still much less expensive. For those concerned with gas mileage, this model was tough to beat. It’s believed to have averaged in the 50-60 mpg range without breaking a sweat.

The Model 3 was produced up to about 1970, when a fire destroyed the factory; the new owner, Joseph Stehlin (NO, NOT THAT GUY), a longtime Midget enthusiast who purchased the company in 1965, couldn’t deal with the costs to rebuild, and the King Midget faded into obscurity. Most are gone from the roads, but a few still exist today in museums and private collections across the country.

What makes this car stupid?

Stick this shit up against a modern F-350. Not a chance that it’s allowed as anything more than a Shriners parade novelty today. Truth be told, that’s not actually a knock on the car itself, but rather the fact that modern safety standards of vehicles have necessitated continuous expansion of vehicle size and protective equipment and technology in the car itself. The Big Three automakers won their war against these vehicles by ensuring legislators supported transportation and urban design that focused on customers acquiring vehicles that were as big and expensive as could possibly be, and as such, some of the only suitable places left to drive this are in the VD-ridden retirement communities of the Florida Everglades, where golf carts rule the faux-cobblestone pathways.

That said, this thing still offers less than zero protection. One has absolutely no margin for error while at the wheel of this thing. Do NOT get in if Donte Stallworth offers you a lift in this thing.

CAN YOU GET PUSSY IN THIS CAR? 

MIDGETS, YOU SAY? Oh you fucks just KNOW some OnlyFans dwarf kink broad is firing up a Craigslist search right this second. She smells an opportunity. Though that might just be the smell of a two-stroke. Same shit, really.

How can BOSS TODD fix this thing? 

Y’ALL EVER HEAR ABOUT THE KOENIGSEGG TFG???

This little cocksucker stands for “Tiny Friendly Giant.” It has three cylinders, two turbos, weighs 150 pounds all in, and produces 600 horsepower. Screams like a methed-out banshee. If you want it, you gotta buy an entire Gemera sedan for a million bucks, but that is fucking WORTH IT. In fact, this guy is probably the answer to fixing all the problems in every single vehicle that has ever existed. Just gotta hold a bunch of Swedes at gunpoint to make more, faster. Fuck, stick one on your running back’s shoulder pads and see what happens out there on the field.

BOSS TODD out, bitches. See you in hell.

[The Camaro burns out again, with “Breakin’ The Law” blaring once more.]

***

Information for this article taken from here, here, here, here, here, here, and here. Banner image by The Maestro.