Welcome back to another edition of The Jalen Ramsey Show. We’re here today to talk about your life and your money. It’s the dog days of summer and we want our listeners to use this time to put in the work and open up a lead on your competition. We’ll all rest after Christmas. We won’t but it’ll get us through today. We have open lines at 305-943-8000. Starting off today in Hattiesburg, Mississippi with Brett. Brett, welcome to The Jalen Ramsey Show.

Hello and thank you taking my call, Jalen. How are you doing today?

Better than the Jaguars under Tom Coughlin. How can I help?

Jalen, these are perfectly legal phone calls and texts that I am being absolutely drug for. The state supreme court won’t let me out of the suit. This is nuts. I’m just trying to improve Mississippi’s underperforming schools and now that’s a conspiracy charge?! No, sir, Jalen. I’m afraid that dog won’t hunt. 

Wow. Lots of conspiring going on in the south lately. What perfectly legal actions lead you to this suit and with what can I help?

Seriously, Jalen. Not one criminal charge for me here. Not one! But this civil suit — which I’m lumped in with over 40 other defendants for just $24 million — is putting me at a real financial risk simply because, hey, I’m rich and everyone else in the party is good old fashioned Mississippi poor. Plus my good name! My good name is being drug through the mud over politics!

I’m sorry. Correct me if I am wrong but I believe the state of Mississippi misused approximately $94 million between 2016 and 2019. Money that was budgeted and allocated for —

You don’t know that! The state received federal dollars. Poof AND UNRELATED — I have some actions that like, come on, really isn’t illegal. No criminal charges. Just, you know, I’m rich and I’m being tied to this thing because of politics and my wealth! 

Well, I mean, we do know that this is Mississippi so this won’t be complicated. We also know you’re a guy who has significant soft power in the state and your daughters volleyball career had a related —

Unrelated, Jalen.

Related, Brett, sequence on new gyms constructed in her playing path. And we’ve seen the texts that you knew it was wrong — even if you didn’t know why — for your name to be the magnitude of this vector of, dare I say fraudulent, government spending.

Right there! I didn’t know why! I never know why! Check this out! Hold on and I’m going to text you an image of my penis!

I’m not saying you’re dishonest here. But just getting you to own up to your behavior isn’t exactly like, you know, the end of this. I mean, I know how quickly a government can piss away $5million. But it’s not your place with the welfare funds and all.

See this is what you coastal elites don’t understand. I mean, first off, I pay for all this shit, right? This state is fucking broke. This country is fucking broke. I’ve been taxed so hard that Obama took 88% of my penis girth. You believe that shit?! 88%!

You just fucked up and I can’t believe you actually paid back checks for $500,000 and $600,000 for unfulfilled speech obligations but let this bitch linger because you want to fight over the $200,000 they want in interest?  You wrote checks totaling $1.1 million and thought there was a win still worth fighting for in this scenario? Over welfare funds!?

See?! You keep going back to welfare funds. Why does the funds allocation matter? State of Mississippi has a $26.8 billion annual budget. And about 45% of that comes from federal dollars. And the money from the feds comes with fucking stipulations. So, as you can imagine, in broke-ass, poor-ass, negro-ass Mississippi, you can’t move a dollar without touching some kind of welfare budget. But you know that game in Miami, Jalen! You guys take the same federal dollars but, instead of ever earmarking it for the poor in the first place, you put in one of your perpetual stadium redevelopment district funds and then use the money to build volleyball facilities for your daughters college squad and to invest in biotech startups you have a personal investment stake in.

And was it worth the like — I mean, payments for speeches you never made? Given you’re the sports hero of the state, I can’t believe there wasn’t a monthly VFW or KKK meeting that wouldn’t be happy to host you for a state-funded public address and Facebook photo op. Obviously the answer to your call is simple — just eat it. You’ve got attorneys that will make sure you don’t get hosed on the final settlement but if your name is stuck to it, your name is stuck to it. I mean, you couldn’t give some speeches? That’d been a better insurance policy than whatever principle you just paid on an umbrella that probably won’t want to extend coverage to the states largest corruption scandal in history.

I’m a gunslinger, Jalen! I’m out there seeing these girls — you know girls, Jalen! We’re really helping girls now. They tried to make us help blacks for some decades but we Mississippians held that shit off until the spotlight went to young athletic women and then, boom, I’m out throwing darts and….you know….slingin’. They get a volleyball arena but, you know, any student can use those facilities. Probably a good place for like an intramural volleyball tournament maybe. And that’s the end of the story. This isn’t about me. This was never about me. This is all about the girls! All about the children!

Dude….they’re literally talking about you in the Mississippi Governors race! They’re releasing texts you had the with the Governor’s brother as he pushed the State Auditor to make a public announcement with favorable statements towards you as you were repaying the money,

Well Jalen…

sans interest.

Jalen. Look. I didn’t threaten anyone. I took some prepayment for speeches that, to-date, I’d not received guidance from the state on when to give. That isn’t my fault for their payment schedule. The rest of the shit — first amendment. You want something from your elected officials, you call yours. That’s all I did. I didn’t even come up with the idea of how the funds moved! That’s what the John Eastman types are for! Gunslinger, Jalen. I’m a fucking Gunslinger and that’s why everyone loves me.

Sounds like you got your answer. If you’re concerned about the money, just budget aside 120% of what your attorney says you’ll be on the hook for, worst-case, including interest. Feel free to adjust this annually if this thing drags out but I’d plan on getting used to not having that cash in your account. And if you’re concerned about your ego….you clearly aren’t. You’re not the only guy with influence in Mississippi who agrees with you 100%.

Now we head over to line two where we have Jaquan in the greater Chicagoland area. Jaquan, my man, how can we help you today at the Jalen Ramsey Show?

Oh man. Real excited to be on the show, Jalen. Long-time fan of the show and, you know, of course of yours and your work on the field man. 

Appreciate your words. I can feel you’re sincere. How can I help you?

Second year guy. Was third in the league in tackles last year. SS1. You know, we had an ugly year last season but think we’re looking up. Bottom-line Jalen, I’m a rivalry guy. From Pittsburgh and attended Penn State. Love that hate. Loved getting drafted here to Chicago. I mean I would have died if I ended up in Houston or Arizona or one of those teams with just no history. No fans. No reason to be. Don’t think I could excel there.

No one can. That’s why they’re Houston and Arizona. Though the Bears, I know they got this new stadium thing but Rogers is gone now and the Vikings look like Vanilla is an STD they got from their quarterback that has turned into a bone marrow infection while the Lions….well, they’re Houston or Arizona, right?

Just my point! Week 1 we play the hated Green Bay Packers and, Jalen man, I missed both games against them to injury last year. They’re down now man. We not only gotta win, we need to kick those motherfuckers right in the ribs while they’re down.

Well, you may be getting ahead of yourself if you were marked questionable just a few days ago. Best ability is availability and all that jazz. But you’re right. Whatever your physical status, you need to be bringing the energy to that sideline and keeping your unit engaged. If your team ain’t getting up for this Week 1, just start looking for apartments in the greater Cinco Ranch area.

So I’m a rivalry guy. Hate Green Bay. And with the Biden Economic Destruction in Wisconsin, I wanted to highlight something along those lines when I trash talk them from the sidelines. Like a, the bigger they are the harder they fall thing. But I don’t actually know — will a season as bad as the Packers are supposed to have (7.5 wins) actually increase or decrease the amount of brats, cheese curds and beer sold in Wisconsin?

I like you, Jack. You’re a team player, right? So I’m gonna do you a solid. You hang it up and I’ll give my response off air. You check back with the station manager at the end of the season and see if my response mattered. I’ll give you a hint — it doesn’t. Go focus on winning. ‘We won’ is all the trash talk prep you need to practice.

Alright then. I guess I’ll just hang up and….go to work then. Thanks Jalen.

See kids ain’t dumb. They mean well. It’s just that there’s no shortage of people looking to sell them a gimmick when what they really are asking for is guidance. So what’s a down season look like for sales of the staple items that make up the pallet of your typical Wisconsinite? Well, couple ways to look at it. From the consumer lens, the USDA lists Wisconsin as fifth in the nation in per-capita cheese consumption (2020 – 35.9 lbs (16.28 kilougramms)). So I don’t think they’re going to be hurting in quantity of meat/cheese/beer consumed. However, we know intrinsically that folks spend on winners. They host big gameday lunches with expensive spreads and high quality. As opposed to the typical single fan that munches away on Cheesey-Does-It and stale Ritz.

Wisconsin, however, is easily the nation’s largest producer of milk. So there’s always the big roundabout, “You guys should be happy the Bears won because now we’ll eat all that cheese on our pizzas!” kind of trash talk but, as you can see already, it’s just too much work. Go with the truth. Go with what works for you as a young man from Pittsburgh who saw everything that happened at Penn State and decided, get me in on that! Keep your trash talk simple, honest, and true to yourself: We won. Fuck you. I’ll molest your kids next. It don’t matter. Green Bay fans don’t matter. They’re like the world’s top producer of ginseng and they just lost their star quarterback to straight-up brain-melting ayahuasca. Find a zinger in there.      

Good callers and 2023 is looking like a good season for everyone here running their finances like an adult. Reminding you all that your money is your power and we’ll see you next time, right here, on The Jalen Ramsey Show.