I don’t want to talk about the Footy today, so let’s talk FITBAW instead.
As we’ve all very quickly learned in 2025/The Darkest Timeline…there is good chaos, and there is bad chaos. GOOD chaos is a Draft year when all of the quartered backs blow monkeys (and everyone knows it in advance). Some will squint, sigh, and stick their peckers in anyway. Some will overpay a bad veteran, and think they are being SMRT. Maybe some find a way to go all-in on Big Tank, in a way that somehow dodges the Ginger Hammer’s watchful eye.
Tennessee Titans (1st overall pick)
I don’t want DonT angry with me, but I think these are gonna squint and stick it in. Miami’s Cam Ward will be the object of their affections. He will…not be good, but maybe adequate-ish.
#ThePauls (2nd overall pick)
The Vertically Enhanced Persons will try trading up, but Wile E. Coyote #ThePauls management is thinking three steps ahead. They can pledge to draft BOTH Sanderses, and hire their pops to run the team starting in 2026. Yes, I really expect this to be what they do. Do remember how drug-addled my brains are.
SCRAMBLE DRILL ENSUES
Vertically Enhanced Persons
With Brian Daboll and a roster of unquestionable shit, these are best positioned to Tank Hardest. And they try, even drafting Quinn Ewers in the 3rd to pre-become Arch’s backup. I originally talked myself into Touch of Downs here, but then talked myself out of it.
Noo Yawk FITBAW Jest
They can’t be Darnold’s Plan B pill, because…ya know. REASONS. Woody runs into Captain Dingleberry at a post-Kristallnacht celebration, and BOOM, he’s the starter. Aaron Glenn questions some of his poor life choices.
N’Awlins Saints
An increasingly desperate shitshow operation offers Minny their 3rd round pick to “tag and trade” Touch of Downs their way. Contract extension discussions fail, hilarity ensues. Do these lot even have a coach yet??
That’s Rikki’s Raiders!!
How many life lessons have Coach Petey and Charmslinger learned since they let their lovers’ tiff spiral out of hand? We’uns about to find out, cause the band is getting back together.
Minnesota Vikings
Quietly re-sign Dimebag to a 5-year, $60M deal to hold clipboards ad infinitum. Balance is briefly restored to the universe.
Pittsburgh Steelers
Calmly watching the chaos all around, Coach Epps re-signs Strawberry Fields to a reasonable extension, and drafts Bama’s Milroe in the 2nd round. Nobody likes redundant systems any better than Tomlin, who goes 12-5 with these “weapons.” Don’t ask me about January, you know what happens in January.
Santa Clara Tomsulas
Baby Shanny drafts Jaxson Dart (Johnny Reb) with a supplemental 4th, instantly breaks off extension talks with Purdy Mouth. Because he CAN, you see.
Arizona Qards
Mike Bidwill asks new security guy what his workout regimen is, invites him to his “private gym” for a “bro session.” Meanwhile, Wee Kyler learns about Footy Manager, and is never seen in public again.
