Instant Hippo Thoughts – Week 18, 2023 Season

This is the end, my imaginary friends.  The end.  I mean, for the regular season.  And of course, Happy Afrikan-American Monday, for all who celebrate (nods in Ron Rivera).

Team WKRP will not be going to the playoffs, but (i) at least they didn’t go winless in the division; and (ii) they have sole possession of Ohio until Fall of 2024.  Congratulations!  Jeff Driskel is still terrible, in case you wondered.  He got two late, very garbage time TDs to cut the final margin to 31-14.

Every AFC North squadron finished with a winning record.  Kudos, y’all.

Despite the most minimal of stakes, Detroit played their starters and beat the technically-kind-of-alive Vikings, 30-20.  And Sam LaPorta got hurt.  Oopsie-doodle, and you’re stuck in the 3 seed anyway.  The Gospel According to Fatthew will return for possible vengeance, alert all the area buffets.

Jest finally get a win over their bogey side Patriots, after 15 losses on the spin.  Christ, that’s just sad.  I watched quite a bit of this shitshow, because SNOW.  Somehow, Zeuerlein managed to make 3-of-4 placements in blizzard conditions – missing only from 49.  Impressive!  New England, on the other hand, has to feel lucky they managed any (3) points at all.  They got sacked, they fumbled, they pickerceptioned.  Time to pull the plug and start over.  A late octopus for Breece Hall (fantasy owners grind teeth severely) gives you a misleadingly normal 17-3 final.

The Collapse of Duuuuuuvvvvvaaaaallll is indeed complete.  Tennessee got production from both, as they touchingly passed the torch from El Tractorcito to Tyjae Spears (nickname pending).  Prison Girlfriend got them within 8 and needed juuuuusssssttttt a few MOAR inches on 4th and goal.  But the Tits held, and then closed matters out at 28-20.

With this, most of the heat for SNF fizzled out, with Yinzburgh and Bills Mafia both clinching a playoff berth.  The 500s also end up division winners, and will host #ThePauls next weekend.  Fun!

MRSA Men slowly, eventually took care of business.  Three placements provided all the “action” in a sad, Baker-gimpy 9-nil win in Charlotte.  The Black Panthers become the first team to get shut tha FUCK OUT twice in a row since 2008 (#ThePauls).  Huh, I expected it would have been longer than that.  Hue Jackson era?  Almost had to be, yeah??  Anyway, 2-15 means I wouldn’t worry about whether the interim schmuck keeps his jerb.  Hopefully, Tampa’s trainers can/will shoot Mayfield up enough to play next week.  We don’t want to see their garbage barge backup.

My oh my, what a performance in the Superdome.  Atlanta, under the direction of Desmond Ridder (did Heinecke die again?) actually led 14-7, and got even at 17 as time expired in the first half.  Whatever team talk Arthur Smith gave, his crew absolutely got their shit kicked in the rest of the way.  N’Awlins gets the 48-17 win, with a longshot chance at a Wild Card berth (depending on late games).  Spoiler – they wouldn’t get it, and Emo Carr can leave his headphones on for the winter.

Late show featured seven games, that’s good!  But the matchups are mostly wet farts, congratulations if you napped.

Not much drama in the NFC East (despite a little hiccup after a blocked FG) – Dallas ran train on the Commies, 38-10.  Everybody scored.  Rebecca Malone still sucks.  Water is still wet.  Cowpersons are your 2 seed, and will host Green Bay in a prime TV slot (no doubt)..

Philly didn’t get the help they needed, and it wouldn’t have mattered.  They laid down haplessly for the Vertically Enhanced Persons, hurting AJ Brown and Jalen Hurts (the former seeming more serious than the latter) in the process.  Both squadrons stayed in 2nd gear (max) after half, limping to a 27-10 finish.  Something’s rotten in Denmark, for sure.

I spoiled the Packers/Bearistocrats! outcome, but it wasn’t much of a game.  Green Bay bled clock late, 17-9 winners.  This burst the SeaTruther and Saints’ bubbles, not that many will miss their participation.

Seattle would have gotten an amazing suckout finish again, had the Packers lost.  They trailed the Qards 20-13, and Arizona had the ball seemingly all of Q4.  But Prater missed a chip shot, followed by a near-instant octopus to give SEA a 21-20 lead.  Wee Kyler got them back in FG range, from 51 this time.  Prater missed again, and Petey gets his 9-8 finish.  No playoffs, though.

RRRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!! (under Dakota Jeebus) came storming back to beat the Touch of Downs-led Tomsulas, 21-20.  Apparently that was the score du jour.  This clash of backups meant that LA keeps the 6 seed, otherwise they would have fallen to 7th and a trip to Dallas.  I noticed fuck shit about this game.  Pookie the Rookie broke some freshman receiving records, I just didn’t really care.

Kansas City’s walkons beat Clippers du Merde, 13-12.  This had no bearing on playoff seeding whatsoever, but it’s always fun to laugh at the Clips.  TayTay cancelled her luxury suite reservations, which I am sure was devastating to the locals.

Last and definitely least, Denver went to Vegas and proved Charmslinger wasn’t the problem.  Stidham sucked (predictably), there was no energy whatsoever (as Wilson was respected in THIS locker room, anyway).  Fatty McGoo doesn’t get his pyrrhic winning record, so he can’t even brag about that.  Fucking shithead.  27-14 to the Raiders, thank fuck we had the Clips to pick on this season.

That leaves SNF, where a Bills Mafia win would vault them all the way to the 2 line (home game against PIT).  Lose, and they might as well stay where they are (since they’d be 7th after the Stillers, and play at Miami the 2nd week in a row),  That would be boring (to Hippo, anyway), so that is the expectation.  Bills Mafia came out hot, but turned it over in the red zone (which would be a theme).  Brokeback then got baited into a throw in the field of play, 1 yard short of the end zone, without any timeouts.  Oy vey, 14-7 Fish at the break.

I suppose it was inevitable they would Peacock the TayTay Chefs game?  But holy Jeebus, gonna be weenie shrinking cold in KC come Saturday night.  Fox gets Sunday late afternoon GB/DAL, for Troy to slobber all over.  Still, FUCK YES GIMME THE FITBAW.

Q3?  Status quo.  Except Miami quit being able to offense.  Perhaps HT adjustments by McDermott, I dunno.

And then the suddenest of Sudden Changes.  Crazy play gets a BLEERGH backing LOLfins up, and Buffalo runs the punt all the way back.  Bills Mafia gets the ball right back, scores again.  21-14, and Miami is punch drunk.  Despite a yuuuuuugggggge 4th and 1 stop, they can’t recover.  Tuaception ends it, and we go to frigid Buffalo for Stillers/Mafia on Sunday.  Miami will try yo break their “against good teams on the road” duck in KC Saturday night.  Tough task, and then some.

But that was one hell of a good, tense game to close the regular season.  Much appreciated, universe.  Let’s January this sumbitch now!