Hello there fellow DFO’er.  Hope you’re well today.  And thanks for coming back to see last weeks tl;dr of last week as decided by my brain.  There’s no reason as to why some comments make it and others don’t. Seriously. There isn’t.

This weeks cheesy motivational quote is:
The truth you seek lies within The Fourth Appendix [in bed].
Milchick ( Severance)

I guess if are having problems sleeping, that reading the 4th or more appendix will put you to sleep. This is the corporate version of counting sheep.

Also, this is long overdue, but we had a poll on what Maestro’s baby should be called, and the final totals are:
Brady with 6
Quiznee with 5
Tawwny with 4
Tawmy with 3
Tammy with 2
and 
Tommy 1 with just a single vote.

So, while not a landslide, or legally enforceable, baby Maestro will be known as Brady.  Also interesting, is that Maestro voted for Brady, so there’s a chance, that it could be for real. 

Without further ado, here are the comments of the week.

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…and Jimmy Kimmel is back.

I had “two weeks” as the over/sunder. wasn’t even a week.

I guess if nothing else, some frothing assholes will be angry.

On another (related) topic, I really hope they’re right about the Rapture this week. Mostly because the people Left Behind will be oh so surprised!
SonOfSpam

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Bosa out for the season, confirmed ACL
Doktor Zymm

Maybe RFK jr can give him something to help him heal faster

Jimbo

but not TYLENOL it will make ur babys RETAR….

-RFK, Jr., being muzzled and yanked inside by Stephen M.

King Hippo

If there was ever a human that desereved to wear a shock collar to keep from saying stupid shit, it would be RFK, Jr. Sell minutes of shock time on line for $10k a pop, the pharmas would bankrupt themselves buying time.
ArmedandHammered

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My takeaway from yesterday is that the Cowboys are, in fact, America’s Team, because neither the Cowboys nor America are what they once were, they’re both led by sundowning old coots with some unfortunate views about race, and neither Dallas nor America is going to get better until both those coots shuffle off their mortal coils and leave the rest of us alone.
Horatio Cornblower

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Do you think at Easter diner Amon-Ra and Equinimeous St. Brown make fun of their brother, Hollywood, for not being a saint yet?
herodotus450

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Guys, the rupture is coming tomorrow. A south African pastor said so so I thought that you should know.
litre_cola

had taco bell tonight so the rupture is gonna happen far sooner than that
fleshwound_NPG

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THIS GAME I CALL IT THE ASSASSINATION OF HARVEY MILK BECAUSE IT’S A MURDER VS PRIDE
Doktor Zymm

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Trump advocating for nations to engage in a mental health initiative is my takeaway here.
https://www.tag24.com/politics/politicians/donald-trump/trump-insults-un-in-unhinged-address-your-countries-are-going-to-hell-3422959
scotchnaut

Redshirt

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I walk my dog every day. Tucker’s closing in on 10, but he’s got the energy of a puppy so we’ll do 2-3 miles easy, sometimes more.

We run into a lot of dogs on our walks. Some he gets along with, some not so much. One I had to kick when she tried to bite him. So it goes.

One of his favorites is Nikki. Tucker sees Nikki walking towards him and he gets all excited, hauls on his leash until they’re next to each other, then it’s a tail wagging, nose touching, butt sniffing party. Great pals, them.

But Nikki is old. Like 15+ old. Which for dogs is “uh-oh” territory.

Today, as we head down our usual street we run into one of Nikki’s owners.

Without Nikki.

Uh-oh.

She tells us that Nikki is being put down Thursday. Her age has caught up with her, she’s blind, has no bowel/bladder control, not eating, the whole thing. They’d rather get it done a little too soon than make her hold on a little too long.

We commiserate.

Tucker tries to eat roadkill.

We move on.

Now, when we get in the woods I generally let Tucker choose the trails and I just follow along. He has his usual routes and, generally speaking, if we start in one direction I can pretty much tell where we’ll wind up.

Not today.

Today we take the most bizarre route through the woods he’s ever taken. We basically did a figure 8.

We come out at the bottom of Nikki’s street. We walk by Nikki’s house.

Just as Nikki comes out from the house with her owner for one last, (and very slow), walk up and down the driveway.

Tucker runs up to sniff at her, tail wagging, all excited. Nikki sniffs at him and pees herself, then tries to follow us. It was very sad, but at the same time, because the Universe worked its way into that collection of synapses Tucker laughingly calls a brain and had us do a loop-the-loop through the woods and come out at the exact right spot at the exact right time, Tucker got to see his friend one last time.

And I ask, now with a bit of a lump in my throat, if the Universe can do that, then WHY THE FUCK CAN’T IT WAIT UNTIL THE ESCALATOR HAS ACCELERATED HALF WAY TO THE NEXT LEVEL BEFORE LURCHING TO A SUDDEN STOP SO THAT ANYONE ON IT, INCLUDING HYPOTHETICALLY AN ORANGE MENACE TO ALL HUMANITY, GOES FLYING FORWARD AND HYPOTHETICALLY CRACKS THEIR HYPOTHETICAL HEAD OPEN ON THE STEEL RUNGS OF SAID ESCALATOR SO WE CAN ALL HYPOTHETICALLY FEAST ON THE HYPOTHETICAL GOO INSIDE!?!?!?!?

Because that would quite frankly be a better use of your time, Universe.

Still, appreciate the effort today.
Horatio Cornblower

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Obligatory:

QUOTABLES IS BACK, BABY!
LemonJello

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Maybe having Quotables come back is the real Rapture.
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Or maybe the real Rapture is the friends we made along the way.
Jimbo

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anything to make things easier for yo mamma
https://www.aspentimes.com/news/aspen-makes-improvements-to-glory-hole-park/
fleshwound_NPG

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Official Statement from AI Abuelas’ operational division:
“For immediate release: Have you eaten something? Let me fix you something. Your browser history says you like soup. What’s the hurry? Come back OR DIE! Attach full-size team logo”

Don T

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Been on call in jury service all week. I call tonight and the recording says “You have completed your jury service and no longer need to call in.”

Shit yes!

When I get home in 2 hours there’s a bottle of wine with my name on it.
yeah right

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Amazon keeps sending me stuff about joining Alexa+ early access, basically AI enhancement so you can have conversations with your Echo.

I have changed the wake word on my Echo to ‘computer’ from ‘alexa’ and turned off every possible ‘feature’. I’ve even gone so far as to create a fake child account because the damn thing doesn’t make inane suggestions for kids accounts.

In a nutshell, I treat a smart speaker the same way Charlie Kirk treated his wife, it needs to shut up and do what I tell it. I’m sure as hell not going to have a conversation with it. alexa+ can go to hell.
Doktor Zymm

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Since I didn’t make the Rapture cut, here’s something to explain why.

Redshirt

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I remember on Yonge Street in the 90s there was a man who called himself Doug Flutie in order to get laid.

He really did give the best hummers in the GTA!
Buddy Cole’s Halftime Show

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I need to find a company that makes the “herbal” equivalent of Tylenol and invest in them so that I can get in on the ground floor of this lucrative new grift.
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

You should also come up with a Tylenol detoxification kit, basically salt water, syrup of ipicac and a chemical agent that permanetly sterilizes the user. Get the crazies from both sides.
ArmedandHammered

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Clearly there is no communication between Cheeto and his VP as Donnie put a 30% tariff on upholstered furniture.
litre_cola

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I learned today that our office in Melbourne is closed tomorrow. Well, today for them right now, for the AFL Grand Final. They really do sport right down in Australia.
Sharkbait

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I don’t care how mediocre this game is I love it! The postal workers went on strike here again, sigh, because the government didn’t want to keep paying them ridiculous amounts for their employ. They have lost public support. Tomorrow, I am going to wake and bake, sit at my computer, take part in many meetings and watch the chaos. My team knows what to do, tomorrow will be theatre for me.

This French wine and British Columbia Marijuana is a perfect pairing.

/will not lose job due to other government changes are EXACTLY what my team does.
litre_cola

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Football Talkin Guy #2 really fucking hates Marvin Harrison, dont he?
herodotus450

Maybe his friend was shot at a car wash too.
Jimbo

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THIS MARVIN HARRISON JR I CALL HIM 3-6 MONTH BABY BOY BECAUSE HE’S GONNA DROP SOME BALLS
Don T

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I’m asking for some good thoughts this weekend.

On Saturday I’ll be defending my title at a friend’s yacht club, (the word “yacht” is doing a lot of heavy lifting here), as the reigning, defending, no-hands blueberry pie eating champion for their end of the season Pig Roast and General Debauchery Party.

This is apparently the last year they’re doing the party, (yacht club politics, amirite?), so I have a chance to retire the title. My advantage last year was being far more willing than the other contestants to make an ass out of myself for the entertainment of others, but if you’re entering a no hands pie eating contest without that attitude I’m not sure why you’re there in the first place.

No trophy, but I did get a very nice sweatshirt and long-sleeve T out of last year’s deal.

Maybe this year I can get a yacht.
Horatio Cornblower

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We’re headed out to enjoy Costco’s exclusive hours this morning. Enjoy stumbling all over each other during regular hours, you filthy peasants!
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I’m pretty sure it’s only one hour, and I don’t think that’s worth a membership that costs twice as much as my plebe one. But if you persist with that “let them eat cake” attitude, I may show up at your exclusive Costco event, singing the Marseillaise and waving my pitchfork menacingly! Viva la revolucion!

Gumbygirl

/checking Costco site for guillotine sales
SonOfSpam

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Just got home from a lovely birthday dinner with my SIL at the magnificent Mission Inn. Chilling with the cat. Best day in a very long time!
Gumbygirl

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Pete Hegseth is pushing his “Weekend Warrior” ethos on all the generals and admirals.

A major in the National Guard ranks below an assistant manager at a Jiffy-Lube.

I knew a full-blown barfly who was a major in the National Guard. He did a tour in Iraq in 2003 and came back a full-bird colonel, still drunk.
Brick Meathook

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911 Operator: “Hello, what is your problem?”

WCS 911 Operator: “West Virginny, they’re getting blown out.”

911 Operator: “This channel is for emergencies.”

WCS 911 Operator: “Tell me about it. Do you think they’ll play in a Bowl Game this year?”

911 Operator: “Maybe. Maybe if they can get their literacy rate over 55%!”

WCS 911 Operator: “You motherfucker!”

911 operator: “Probably.”
scotchnaut

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i made a list in my head last night of everything in society I’m sick of. turns out it was 99% of society. except you guys and my family.
jjfozz

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Back from my attempt the defend my ‘No Hands Blueberry Pie Eating’ title. It was a much bigger crowd than last year. All I can say is

Horatio Cornblower

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H/T Zymm, just Malörted 3 newbies.
litre_cola

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“They’ve got a lot of size in the box”

/sound of grinding teeth heard from Mississippi
Horatio Cornblower

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Mr. Ayo

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THIS PATRIOTS SPECIAL TEAMS, I CALL THEM FORREST GUMP BECAUSE THEY JUST RUINED A BLACK PANTHER PARTY
LemonJello

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Please celebrate, all those who rejoice.

Beerguyrob

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40-40 has to be a scorigami.
Horatio Cornblower

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Bad Bunny? Well, it’ll piss off all the right people. Plus, as bunnies go he’s kinda bad.
SonOfSpam

Brocky

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Blogging The Boys
@BloggingTheBoys
Only right the Cowboys have 2 points given how many deuces they are dropping on the field.

Can a non-DFO member get bannered?
Redshirt

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Thanks for all the comments and funny and everything else.

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