NARRATOR: [with musical intonation] The year…is two thousand and sixteen. Two. Zero. sixteen. The Cleveland Browns, flirting with the greatest triumph of numerical symmetry of the new millennium, lead the San Diego Chargers by a score of twenty to seventeen midway through the fourth quarter. A Chargers drive stalls deep inside of Cleveland territory.
♫ …set to the music of “My Shot” from Hamilton… ♫
JOSH LAMBO
I am not gonna miss this…chip…shot!
I am not gonna miss this…chip…shot!
CLEVELAND BROWNS
Hey yo we’re…just like our city
We are…hopelessly shitty…
JOSH LAMBO
I am not gonna miss this…chip…shot!
Imma play pro soccer and then go to college,
It’s A&M so sure not gainin’ knowledge,
I probably shouldn’t brag, but dag, my kicks are swaggy
My cleats are tight but yo my pants are baggy
I graduate then head to Southern Cal,
Pick up a job and then pick up a gal,
Chase off that Novak chump then get put down
For getting cozy with that Polish clown.
JOSH LAMBO
And I am not gonna miss…this…chip…shot!
I am not gonna miss…this…chip…shot!
CLEVELAND BROWNS
Hey yo we’re…just like our city
We are…hopelessly shitty…
JOSH LAMBO
I am not gonna miss this…chip…shot!
When I hit it right my kicks they glide, they stay inside
of the uprights give that ball a ride, get that game tied
And you know I get it done, son, nine times of ten
Lest a hand gets in my face, yo don’t race me to my place
Or sometimes I push it wide.
And I am not gonna miss…this…chip…shot!
I am not gonna miss…this…chip…shot!
CLEVELAND BROWNS
Hey yo we’re…just like our city
We are…hopelessly shitty…
JOSH LAMBO
I am not gonna miss this…chip…shot!
BROWNS SPECIAL TEAMS COACH CHRIS TABOR
HANDS IN THE AIR!
CLEVELAND BROWNS
We gonna rise up
PHILIP RIVERS
I got us to the thirty.
JOSH LAMBO (overlapping)
…not gonna miss…this…chip…shot!
CLEVELAND BROWNS
We gonna rise up
MIKE MCCOY
Time to take a shot.
JOSH LAMBO (overlapping)
…not gonna miss…this…chip…shot!
CLEVELAND BROWNS
We gonna rise up
ANNOUNCER
The clock is ticking…
CLEVELAND BROWNS
We gonna (rise up, rise up)
JOSH LAMBO
It’s time to take a shot.
http://cdn1.smosh.com/sites/default/files/legacy.images/smosh-pit/092010/mascot-12.gif
It has been 451 days since the Browns won a game away from First Energy Stadium.
It has been 785 days since the Browns won a game away from First Energy Stadium in regulation.
http://www.mypokecard.com/en/Gallery/my/galery/CO4kkYwDJiSi.jpg
Those headlights do look like the tips of missiles, which makes me want it even more. So long slow ass fucktards driving the the left lane.
“Time to take a shot.”
– Michael Floyd, 9:34 a.m. on a Wednesday
[After the play]
Low Commander: I am gonna drink this 40 and…cheap…shots!
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“I keep telling you, I was in a duel! With one of the Houston Texans!”
– Aqib Talib, explaining to cops how he ended up with a bullet hole in his leg.
Playing as well as he did he should shoot himself every year…….
http://www.gifbin.com/bin/092009/1253698509_dancing_fail.gif
Outtake 2:
LAMBO: I am…just like my country…I am young, scrappy…
ANDY REID: And hungry!
Outtake 1:
DANNY WOODHEAD: I am…just like my city…I am young, scrappy and gritty…
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Stupider? Pah! This opera’s as lousy as it is brilliant! [Kicks the HOLO-BOLTMAN actor off the stage. The audience gasps. CLEVELAND BROWNS stops playing and the holo-scene fades, leaving the HOLO-LAMBO actor standing on the stage in his underpants.] Your lyrics lack subtlety. You can’t just have your characters announce how they feel. That makes me feel angry.
BRA-VO! I am seeing Hamilton later this year, and I hope it is half as good as what you have done here.
Whoa! Mr Moneybags over here!
I’m just getting to the traveling Book of Mormon in May — SO NO SPOILERS!
Joseph Smith is the name of his sled.
Not my idea, when I was told how much it cost, I shuddered. Multiple car payments or a really big 4k TV.
I’ve only listened to the soundtrack (twice, on a road trip) but it even impressed a cynical bastard like me.
Must…piece…together….CTE…joke…..about…..about….
THE NFLPA APPROVES OF THIS MUSICAL BECAUSE THEIR ENTIRE MEMBERSHIP WILL HAVE INCURABLE JAZZ HANDS 15 YEARS AFTER THEIR FINAL GAME!
That’s a horrifying joke.
That being said, “Incurable Jazz Hands” is totally making the Fantasy Football Team Name list
“Nah, it’s not really incurable. You just gotta have a little self-discipline.”
– Kellen Winslow, Jr.