Everyone was Even Steven this week except for WhyEaglesWhy, who managed to get both of his games right.  While I only lost $1, King Hippo and DTZM had the misfortune to have their losing wagers be the ones with higher dollar value.

Onward!

Balls of Steel

This is the week that Tony Romo comes back to wreck the emotional state of Fantasy Football players and Cowboys fans alike.  So much promise of a season that has gone down the shitter!  Did anyone keep Romo in hopes of a triumphant comeback for the FF playoffs?  I did not, but I will admit that I put in a waiver claim.  I doubt I’ll get it.  For those of you non-Cowboys fans, here is how the script goes:  1)  Romo comes back and shines, leading the Cowboys to a convincing win that has the fans thinking they could have won the Super Bowl if he had been healthy all year. 2) Cowboys pull off a string of victories to get them within eyesight of a playoff berth in the shitty NFC East. 3) The Cowboys either lose spectacularly in their last game or someone else wins to keep them out. 4)  Cowboy fans drink their sorrows away and vow that next year is the year. 5) JJ charges $10 for each beer. 6) PROFIT!      I’ll take the Cowboys at Pick’em  (PICK’EM!) against the Dolphins.  Stakes: $11 to win $10.

Seattle sucks balls.  They were lucky to be close to the Cardinals.  The 49ers have rallied behind Blaine Gabbert (I almost choked writing that sentence).   Now, the Niners are not going to win, but I don’t think they’re 12.5 points worse than the Seahawks.  Besides, division games in this division are usually close.  Take the 49ers plus the points.  Stakes:  $11 to win $10

Finally, New England must be salivating at the thought of facing Rex on MNF with people thinking they are due for a fall because Edelman is out for the year.  Unless Brady’s knee explodes from too much PED juice or Gronk’s groin explodes from too much vigorous thrusting, this team is going to destroy the Bills on Prime Time.  Take the Pats minus the 7.  Stakes:  $11 to win $10.

WhyEaglesWhy

This week sucks. I don’t like the games, and all the point spreads look about right. I came thisclose to taking the Ravens and the Falcons, but I’ll only be betting one game this week.

Cowboys PK over DOLPHINS – I watched the Dolphins last week, and hoo boy are they bad. The Cowboys were bad too, but now they’re not going to be bad. I know I’m an Eagles fan, but I have always liked and respected Tony Romo. He never gets mentioned with the ELITE quarterbacks, but I think he’s really good. We’ll see this week how much of a difference he makes. Stakes: $22 to win $20.

DTZM

So, last week, I may have been a little overconfident in now-deposed Rob Ryan.  Sure, his wolf-like appearance and air of debauched entertainment aside, he is a terrible coordinator.  BUT!  They were playing the  goddamned [*Redacted] s and only giving one goddamned point!  FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

Anyhoo… I’m down to under half of my original faux wager, so it’s time to get nuts.

OK, I’ve got a couple of victims lined up here.  Let’s start with:

Bucs -5.5 over EAGLES.  Wait, they’re starting the Sanchize, behind a terrible offensive line GETTING 5.5 points?  How…wha…well, I’ll take it.  Philly is somehow only a half-game back in the putrid NFC East, but that’s due more to Eli’s inability to close out a game and Romo’s injury than anything that Chip has pulled off.  This is a poorly constructed team starting a backup QB.  Tampa wins at home.  $11 to win $10

Denver +1 over CHICAGO.  So, I’m picking Brock Osweiller.  Look, Peyton is a legend, sure.  His uncanny field vision and ability to quickly adapt to defenses has made him one of the great statistical quarterbacks of all time.  BUT!  This year, the ‘Donks have been winning in spite of him, not because of him.  His lack of arm strength due to multiple injuries that, frankly, would have crippled a lot of people aside, he has floated dangerous passes and late throws long enough.  This team can play just as well with an inexperienced QB who can actually throw a ball as they would with one who wants to put a ball in a spot and has no idea whether or not it will.  Hippo can’t be happy that I’m cursing his Broncos this week.  $44 to win $40.

King Hippo

Another week, another slew of regrets. Let’s get right to making some new ones!

JAGUARS -3 over Titans. Serious, less than the full three?? This is a TEAM OF DESTINY and all of Duval is GET HYPE!! for Thursday showcase. UPDATE: Line moved to 3, sticking with the bet because stupid and impulsive. Great combo, eh? Bet $22 to win $20.

Colts +5.5 over FALCONS. Oh dear fuck, I can’t believe I can still short the shitty Falcons. Vegas (or more accurately, the betting legions feeding the lines) never learn. Not sure the Humps are really that much worse than they were with a non-healthy HODOR anyway. Expect a cover and coinflip chance to win outright. UPDATE: Line has moved a whole point in favor of the Colts since I first typed (until the contest line set) so maybe Vegas did screw the pooch this week. Bet $33 to win $30.

P*TS -7 over Bills. Grumblelord is in Rexy’s head, I’m afraid. Or maybe he just has much, much better players. Either way, another woodshedding is upon us. Bet $22 to win $20.

Updated tables:

Name Balls of Steel Initial Bankroll: 200

Pick #	Favorite	Underdog	Line	Wager	Winner?	Winnings	Bankroll Balance
1	San Diego	Detroit	3	11	Y	10.00	210.00
2	Minnesota	San Francisco	2.5	11	N	-11.00	199.00
3	Tennessee	Cleveland	1	11	N	-11.00	188.00
4	Philadelphia	Dallas	5.5	11	Y	10.00	198.00
5	NY Jets	Philly	2.5	11	Y	10.00	208.00
6	Indianapolis	Tennessee	3	11	Y	10.00	218.00
7	Oakland	Chicago	3	11	N	-11.00	207.00
8	Buffalo	Tennessee	2.5	11	Y	10.00	217.00
9	Kansas City	Chicago	9	11	Y	10.00	227.00
10	Green Bay	St. Louis	9	11	N	-11.00	216.00
11	St. Louis	Cleveland	5.5	11	N	-11.00	205.00
12	Arizona	Baltimore	7.5	11	N	-11.00	194.00
13	New England	Miami	8	11	N	-11.00	183.00
14	Kansas City	Detroit	5	11	N	-11.00	172.00
15	Minnesota	Chicago	1.5	11	Y	10.00	182.00
16	Pittsburgh	Oakland	4	22	Y	20.00	202.00
17	Washington	New Orleans	PK	11	N	-11.00	191.00
18	New England	NY Giants	7	11	Y	10.00	201.00
19	Miami	Dallas	PK	11		-11.00	190.00
20	Seattle	San Francisco	12.5	11		-11.00	179.00
21	New England	Buffalo	7	11		-11.00	168.00

Name WhyEaglesWhy Initial Bankroll: 200

Pick #	Favorite	Underdog	Line	Wager	Winner?	Winnings	Bankroll Balance
1	Denver	Baltimore	4.5	11	N	-11.00	189.00
2	Houston	Kansas City	1	11	Y	10.00	199.00
3	Carolina	Houston	3	11	N	-11.00	188.00
4	NY Giants	Atlanta	3	11	Y	10.00	198.00
5	Philadelphia	Dallas	5.5	11	Y	10.00	208.00
6	Cleveland	Oakland	3.5	11	Y	10.00	218.00
7	Miami	Buffalo	3	11	Y	10.00	228.00
8	Oakland	Chicago	3	11	N	-11.00	217.00
9	Philadelphia	New Orleans	4.5	11	N	-11.00	206.00
10	Arizona	Detroit	2.5	22	Y	20.00	226.00
11	Houston	Indianapolis	1	11	Y	10.00	236.00
12	New England	Indianapolis	7.5	22	N	-22.00	214.00
13	Philadelphia	NY Giants	4.5	11	N	-11.00	203.00
14	St. Louis	Cleveland	5.5	11	N	-11.00	192.00
15	Miami	Houston	4	11	Y	10.00	202.00
16	Washington	Tampa Bay	3	11	N	-11.00	191.00
17	Kansas City	Detroit	5	11	N	-11.00	180.00
18	Minnesota	Chicago	1.5	11	N	-11.00	169.00
19	New Orleans	NY Giants	3	11	Push	0	169.00
20	Pittsburgh	Cincinnati	PK	11	Y	10.00	179.00
21	Baltimore	San Diego	3.5	11	Y	10.00	189.00
22	Atlanta	San Francisco	7	11	N	-11.00	178.00
23	New York Giants	Tampa Bay	2.5	11	Y	10.00	188.00
24	San Diego	Chicago	4	11	Y	10.00	198.00
25	Oakland	Minnesota	3	11	Y	10.00	208.00
26	Seattle	Arizona	3	11	Y	10.00	218.00
27	Miami	Dallas	PK	22		-22.00	196.00

 

Name King Hippo Initial Bankroll: 200

Pick #	Favorite	Underdog	Line	Wager	Winner?	Winnings	Bankroll Balance
1	Green Bay	Chicago	7	22	N	-22.00	178.00
2	Cincinnati	Oakland	3	11	N	-11.00	167.00
3	New England	Buffalo	1	55	Y	50.00	217.00
4	New England	Jacksonville	13.5	11	N	-11.00	206.00
5	Seattle	Chicago	14.5	11	N	-11.00	195.00
6	Oakland	Chicago	3	55	N	-55.00	140.00
7	Atlanta	Washington	7	22	Y	20.00	160.00
8	Tampa Bay	Jacksonville	3	22	N	-22.00	138.00
9	Denver	Oakland	4.5	33	N	-33.00	105.00
10	New England	Indianapolis	7.5	44	N	-44.00	61.00
11	Atlanta	New Orleans	3.5	33	Y	30.00	91.00
12	Seattle	Carolina	7	22	Y	20.00	111.00
13	Carolina	Philadelphia	3	33	Y	30.00	141.00
14	Houston	Tennessee	3	11	N	-11.00	130.00
15	Seattle	Dallas	6	11	Y	10.00	140.00
16	Atlanta	Tampa Bay	7	11	Y	10.00	150.00
17	Kansas City	Detroit	5	22	N	-22.00	128.00
18	Pittsburgh	Oakland	4	11	Y	10.00	138.00
19	Cincinnati	Cleveland	11.5	11	N	-11.00	127.00
20	Philadelphia	Dallas	2.5	11	N	-11.00	116.00
21	Baltimore	Jacksonville	5.5	22	Y	20.00	136.00
22	Green Bay	Detroit	11.5	33	N	-33.00	103.00
23	Jacksonville	Tennessee	3	33		-33.00	70.00
24	Atlanta	Indianapolis	5.5	22		-22.00	48.00
25	New England	Buffalo	7	33		-22.00	26.00

Name Darkest Timeline Zack Morris Initial Bankroll: 200

Pick #	Favorite	Underdog	Line	Wager	Winner?	Winnings	Bankroll Balance
1	Seattle	St. Louis	4.5	11	N	-11.00	189.00
2	Denver	Baltimore	4.5	11	N	-11.00	178.00
3	Baltimore	Oakland	5.5	11	N	-11.00	167.00
4	New Orleans	Tampa	5.5	11	N	-11.00	156.00
5	Indianapolis	Jacksonville	9	22	Y	20.00	176.00
6	Oakland	Chicago	3	11	N	-11.00	165.00
7	Cincinnati	Kansas City	5.5	55	N	-55	110.00
8	Buffalo	NY Giants	4.5	22	Y	20	130.00
9	Kansas City	Chicago	9	11	N	-11.00	119.00
10	Cincinnati	Seattle	3	11	PUSH	0	119.00
11	Seattle	Carolina	7	11	Y	10	129.00
12	Arizona	Pittsburgh	3	11	Y	10	139.00
13	Atlanta	San Francisco	7	11	N	-11.00	128.00
14	Cincinnati	Cleveland	11.5	11	Y	10.00	138.00
15	New Orleans	Washington	PK	55	N	-55.00	83.00
16	Carolina	Tennessee	5	11	Y	10.00	93.00
17	Philadelphia	Tampa	5.5	11			82.00
18	Denver	Chicago	1	44			38.00