…but was it a catch?

Old School Zero

Old School Zero

Ex-Chargers fan in Portland. Sorry about your carpet.
Old School Zero

Latest posts by Old School Zero (see all)

(Some Sunday Night in the near future)

Al: Stafford drops back, looks, and fires one out… Calvin Johnson grabs it and runs out of bounds!

Cris: Athletic play by Megatron… that was one of those throws only he seems to be able to find.

Al: We now go to review, as any play that may possibly be a catch is subject to mandatory review per the latest NFL rulebook. There’s Johnson, running up the sideline, looking back and then stretching up… and, yes, he grabs it with both hands, tucks it securely to his body… one, two, three steps inbounds, and then out of bounds a few steps later.

Cris: And here we see him proceeding directly to the sideline Notary Public… it appears he takes the most direct route.

Al: Does he have a number?

Cris: Let’s rewind that back to when he just goes out of bounds and slow it down… aaaaaaand, yes, you can see right there, he takes a number just as he passes the dispenser.

Al: Ah! Wait! He appears to bobble the number. Does he maintain possession of the number as he enters the notarization box?

Cris: Yes, we can see in the reverse angle he secures possession of the number after the initial bobble but prior to entering the box. His footwork is excellent here as he stays between the velvet ropes, and then stops before he goes over the “Wait Here” line.

Al: So far, so good. He clearly waited until being called forward, and presented his paperwork—also clearly in triplicate—for notarization. Aaaaand… it’s stamped!

Cris: Wait, there’s a commotion on the sideline! That looks like an NFL lawyer!

Al: Oh my! There’s the solid gold challenge flag, signaling that the league office is stepping in!

Cris: Let’s go to Pam Oliver on the sideline.

Pam Oliver: Thanks Cris and Al. It appears that there is some question as to whether Calvin Johnson is using the most up to date version of Form 27B/6. He should have downloaded it from the league Microsoft Sharepoint server prior to the game… I’m just getting word that Johnson has challenged whether the Microsoft Sharepoint site was actually up during the day. The referees are now stepping into the Microsoft Surface 9 official IT review booth in order to log on to the NFL Sharepoint site to verify if it’s up, and also to Bing whether or not it had been down during the day.

Al: Thank you, Pam. While we wait for the NFL IT staff to contact the referees and clear this up, let’s contact Mike Carey to see if he thinks if it will end up as a catch. Mike?

Mike: It looked to me like he had possession of the ball prior to the cotton candy vendor making a sale, which I believe qualifies that play as a safety.

Cris: Mike, I think you might be mistaken here. There’s no way this play could ever be a safety.

Mike: My mistake, Cris. From what I saw, the defender’s hit was at the shoulder pads while the cheerleaders were in an illegal formation, so I think the call on the field will stand and it will be pass interference on the special teams.

Al: I think we’ll just have to wait and see, Mike.

Mike: Just tell them to let me out of this box, Al–

Al: I think the referees are emerging—

Mike: –I haven’t seen the sun in years—

Al: –from the IT booth—

Mike: –and there’s this sweaty lawyer in here and I think he’s a serial killer—

Al: –So that’s all the time we have with Mike Carey right now.

Cris: The referees are signaling that the NFL Microsoft Sharepoint site was down prior to the game, so the NFL’s challenge is overturned. Wait! There’s ANOTHER solid gold flag!

Al: Oh my! It appears there was no TPS report cover used! Calvin Johnson must now beat this year’s reigning Punt, Pass, and Kick champions in a sack race in order to proceed!

Cris: He’s jawing with the NFL lawyer, which is costing him precious seconds to get to the Bud Light #UpForWhatever brand sack, the official burlap sack of the NFL. When you want to remove “No” from your evening, just deploy the #UpForWhatever adult-sized burlap sack.

Al: But in the end he has no trouble taking first place, and he casually strolls back over to the Notary Public table.

Cris: Now the only thing between him and a successful three yard catch is… MOUNT MIDORIYAMA!

Al: And we’ll take a break here at 14:55 of the first quarter, and when we return, we’ll see if Calvin Johnson can be the first NFL player to record a successful catch in four years!

 

Old School Zero
Old School Zero
Ex-Chargers fan in Portland. Sorry about your carpet.
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JerBear50
JerBear50

“When you want to remove “No” from your evening, just deploy the #UpForWhatever adult-sized burlap sack.”

Seems like Darren Sharper went to an awful lot of trouble for no reason.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
BrettFavresColonoscopy

Hey, I’m on an Acela and don’t see PK anywhere. WEIRD!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Senor Weaselo

Lovie challenges the proper procedure for challenging the catch.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I would agree with Smith on this one.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Let’s review from this angle.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

A dick in the hand is worth two in the bush……

http://i.imgur.com/qXAFIyb.gif

ballsofsteelandfury

I wouldn’t want two in the bush. Let alone adjacent locales.

two at opposite ends?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Obviously we’ll need a new proverb. Tao Cutler?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Covalent Blonde

Moose, I had never before appreciated how captivated people are by Davis’ batch. Thank you for enlightening me. Such talent. It’s a good thing he’s still on my te…..

/sobs uncontrollably

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Complete it by taking it in full possession to the ground.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Catching a cock
Cocking a catch

Senor Weaselo

I think he was trying to record a sack there.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

But all he got was Tom Brady.

blaxabbath

Don’t these dudes wear cups? Why don’t they wear cups?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

No, very few if any do.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
nomonkeyfun

Wow, a Traci Lords reference that is legal. You don’t get that everyday.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Umm, I think it was only two movies that they made underage, then she made many legal fuck movies, then went “mainstream.” (before it was cool).

nomonkeyfun

I thought it was the reverse for her “naughty” movies, but I’m not gonna google that at work, or really anywhere else.

I’m probably on enough government lists from google searches as it it.

Horatio Cornblower

Yeah I think it was the reverse as well. She made a bunch when she was underage and then two that were legal.

I could google that but I’m in the office and I can just imagine HR’s reaction to “Traci Lords legal porn” in the search engine.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

KNOW YOUR WRONG! It was only 75 underage fucking movies!!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Lords made her first movie during October 1984, when she appeared in What Gets Me Hot! alongside Tom Byron, who later became her boyfriend off-screen.[5] She first appeared only in a non-sex role, but was later replaced with a hardcore scene. In her next movie, Those Young Girls, she appeared alongside another female pornstar Ginger Lynn. After appearing with John Leslie in the porno parody of the movie Splash, Talk Dirty to Me Part III, which won the AVN Award for the best movie, Lords was hailed as the “Princess of Porn”. She became one of the highest-paid porno actresses of that time, earning more than $1,000 a day. Besides her work in porn, she also appeared in the music video for “Gimme Gimme Good Lovin'” by the heavy metal band Helix. Lords continued making more movies until the autumn of 1985, when she decided to quit the industry. Afterwards, she met Stuart Dell, who became her boyfriend, manager, and business partner. During January 1986, she announced her return to porn with the formation of TLC (the Traci Lords Company). Dell and Lords made a distribution deal with Sy Adler, an industry veteran who ran Vantage International, that they would produce three movies for the company. During March, the first TLC feature, Traci Takes Tokyo, was released. The second, Beverly Hills Copulator, was released afterwards, and the third movie, Screamer, was shelved.[5][6]

During late May 1986, around three weeks after Lords’ 18th birthday, authorities discovered she had been underage after having appeared in about 75 pornographic movies. The owners of her movie agency and X-Citement Video, Inc. were arrested. (See United States v. X-Citement Video) She was taken into a protective custody and hired a high-profile lawyer, Leslie Abramson. On July 10, district attorney’s investigators searched Lords’ Redondo Beach home, the Sun Valley offices of Vantage International Productions, a major producer of adult movies, and the Sherman Oaks offices of modeling agent Jim South. South and other industry officials said that Lords, on seeking employment, provided a California driver’s license, a U.S. passport, and a birth certificate, which stated that her name was Kristie Nussman and gave a birth date of November 17, 1962. Leslie Jay, spokeswoman for Penthouse publisher Bob Guccione, also said Lords showed identification indicating that she was older than 18 years of age before the photos for the September 1984 issue were taken.[7] When investigators, using her birth certificate and state identification cards, located the real Kristie Nussman, she said her birth certificate had been stolen a few years earlier and that an imposter had apparently forged her name on official forms. Two adults who knew Lords, but who requested anonymity, said they saw her picture in the adult magazine Velvet during July 1984, and telephoned the district attorney’s office to inform authorities that she was underage, but that an investigator told them, “There isn’t anything we can do about it.”[8][9]

On July 17, 1986, video rental shops and adult movie theaters in the USA were ordered to withdraw all material featuring Lords from their shelves. John Weston, attorney of the Adult Film Association of America, said distributors should withdraw any movie made before May 1986, featuring Lords “in sexual conduct, no matter how briefly”. The withdrawal of Lords’ movies from the market cost the industry millions of dollars.[7][10][11] Government prosecutors declared Lords was a victim of a manipulative industry, maintaining she was drugged and made to do non-consensual acts.[12] Industry insiders, including Ron Jeremy, Tom Byron, Peter North, and Ginger Lynn, said they never saw her use drugs and that she was always fully aware of her actions. While most of her movies were removed permanently from distribution in the United States, several were re-edited to remove Lords’ scenes entirely (such as Kinky Business and New Wave Hookers), or in a few cases, had new footage filmed with a different actress playing her part (as in Talk Dirty to Me Part III). The only movie legally available in the United States was Traci, I Love You, filmed in Paris only two days after her 18th birthday.[6] She sold her rights to Traci, I Love You during early 1987 for $100,000. This action resulted in claims that she herself had tipped off the authorities to gain immunity from prosecution, while being the only one to profit from the movie. Lords denies this notion in her autobiography and says she was reluctant to sell the rights, since at that time she was trying to become an ordinary actress, and wanted no older movies still available.[1]

Beerguyrob

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Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

HAIL BLEERGH

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“I still don’t understand why they didn’t implement my suggestion of having to get a third leg down in bounds.”

– Visanthe Shiancoe

makeitsnowondem

Me: I’ve been told I’m a real catch.

Terry McAulay: AFTER REVIEW…

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
jjfozz

Before being officially called a pass, Megatron must guess what number between eleventy billion and a 9 googlton the Shade of Goodell has in its head.

laserguru

That’s the most accurate Mike Carey has been on a call all year.

Covalent Blonde

When I read, “Stafford drops back, looks, and fires one out” there were several items and bodily products I was having to think through before I actually go to a football.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Rex Grossman at a party; same discription.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh