(Some Sunday Night in the near future)
Al: Stafford drops back, looks, and fires one out… Calvin Johnson grabs it and runs out of bounds!
Cris: Athletic play by Megatron… that was one of those throws only he seems to be able to find.
Al: We now go to review, as any play that may possibly be a catch is subject to mandatory review per the latest NFL rulebook. There’s Johnson, running up the sideline, looking back and then stretching up… and, yes, he grabs it with both hands, tucks it securely to his body… one, two, three steps inbounds, and then out of bounds a few steps later.
Cris: And here we see him proceeding directly to the sideline Notary Public… it appears he takes the most direct route.
Al: Does he have a number?
Cris: Let’s rewind that back to when he just goes out of bounds and slow it down… aaaaaaand, yes, you can see right there, he takes a number just as he passes the dispenser.
Al: Ah! Wait! He appears to bobble the number. Does he maintain possession of the number as he enters the notarization box?
Cris: Yes, we can see in the reverse angle he secures possession of the number after the initial bobble but prior to entering the box. His footwork is excellent here as he stays between the velvet ropes, and then stops before he goes over the “Wait Here” line.
Al: So far, so good. He clearly waited until being called forward, and presented his paperwork—also clearly in triplicate—for notarization. Aaaaand… it’s stamped!
Cris: Wait, there’s a commotion on the sideline! That looks like an NFL lawyer!
Al: Oh my! There’s the solid gold challenge flag, signaling that the league office is stepping in!
Cris: Let’s go to Pam Oliver on the sideline.
Pam Oliver: Thanks Cris and Al. It appears that there is some question as to whether Calvin Johnson is using the most up to date version of Form 27B/6. He should have downloaded it from the league Microsoft Sharepoint server prior to the game… I’m just getting word that Johnson has challenged whether the Microsoft Sharepoint site was actually up during the day. The referees are now stepping into the Microsoft Surface 9 official IT review booth in order to log on to the NFL Sharepoint site to verify if it’s up, and also to Bing whether or not it had been down during the day.
Al: Thank you, Pam. While we wait for the NFL IT staff to contact the referees and clear this up, let’s contact Mike Carey to see if he thinks if it will end up as a catch. Mike?
Mike: It looked to me like he had possession of the ball prior to the cotton candy vendor making a sale, which I believe qualifies that play as a safety.
Cris: Mike, I think you might be mistaken here. There’s no way this play could ever be a safety.
Mike: My mistake, Cris. From what I saw, the defender’s hit was at the shoulder pads while the cheerleaders were in an illegal formation, so I think the call on the field will stand and it will be pass interference on the special teams.
Al: I think we’ll just have to wait and see, Mike.
Mike: Just tell them to let me out of this box, Al–
Al: I think the referees are emerging—
Mike: –I haven’t seen the sun in years—
Al: –from the IT booth—
Mike: –and there’s this sweaty lawyer in here and I think he’s a serial killer—
Al: –So that’s all the time we have with Mike Carey right now.
Cris: The referees are signaling that the NFL Microsoft Sharepoint site was down prior to the game, so the NFL’s challenge is overturned. Wait! There’s ANOTHER solid gold flag!
Al: Oh my! It appears there was no TPS report cover used! Calvin Johnson must now beat this year’s reigning Punt, Pass, and Kick champions in a sack race in order to proceed!
Cris: He’s jawing with the NFL lawyer, which is costing him precious seconds to get to the Bud Light #UpForWhatever brand sack, the official burlap sack of the NFL. When you want to remove “No” from your evening, just deploy the #UpForWhatever adult-sized burlap sack.
Al: But in the end he has no trouble taking first place, and he casually strolls back over to the Notary Public table.
Cris: Now the only thing between him and a successful three yard catch is… MOUNT MIDORIYAMA!
Al: And we’ll take a break here at 14:55 of the first quarter, and when we return, we’ll see if Calvin Johnson can be the first NFL player to record a successful catch in four years!