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Head Coach Poetry

Covalent Blonde

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It’s the offseason and what better way to embrace the coming relief from the gripping horrors of reality without football than through prose.  With 32 teams and 43 days to go until the Hall of Fame game, I thought we might be able to spend a day for each head coach expressing our thoughts and feelings in the highest honor that we can… cadence, simile, and euphemism.

My idea so my coach goes first.  This may seem a little biased.

(Stage darkens, spotlight glows; clicking of shoes to center stage; creak as the mic tips down)  Here it goes.  Ahem….

D5bLqkm

Saint Tomsula

With Candlestick now fallow
Your depth chart much too shallow
Arrest follows arrest
A team now all detest
Can you be the Niners savior?

We watched your embracing slaps
For all of those defensive chaps
Nineteenth a lucky charm
Without the Harbaugh smarm
Can you be the Niners savior?

Wipe the dew from your blue eyes
Rouse Millennials to rise
Hipsters storming the gait
The Lombardi awaits
You can be the Niners savior.

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makeitsnowondem

On The Perils Of A Zone Rushing Attack

Offensive genius is a tricky thing
That’s something Gary Kubiak knows well
Recalls his mentor sent to D.C. hell
And fucking awful passes Schaub would wing

Is Joe elite? Who cares? he’s got the ring!
That jew’lry keeps your job safe… for a spell
That’s something Gary Kubiak knows well
Offensive genius is a tricky thing

In Denver now, he’s studied hard all spring
For if he calls the wrong play-action fake
He’ll have to suffer scores of scalding takes
Offensive genius is a tricky thing
That’s something Gary Kubiak knows well

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Cuntler

/limerick style for John Fox

There once a man with a bad heart,
A surly quarterback he did start,
His defense is bad
The fans are all sad
The whole team is just one big fucking FAAAAAAAAART.

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sunrisesunrise

Cheesesteaks no more
For there is BBQ galore.
These ribs are so fine
So much better than the O-line,
But our WR play stinks
Due to Alex dunk and dinks.
Just give it to Jamaal
Until a lineman does fall
And puts him out for the season again.

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Covalent Blonde

Tiny Hands just had a single tear roll down his cheek.

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WhyEaglesWhy

I have released
the players
that were in
the Pro Bowl

and which
you were probably
expecting
to root for

Forgive me
they were ungritty
so paid
and so black

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makeitsnowondem

I really want to like this twice. It’s my favorite.

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Old School Zero

Agreed. This is KOTW material.

If that sort of thing existed here.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Oh, that’s just great.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

The pain in my balls
Maybe it would help if I listened to Lou Rawls
Oh, the burning…. in these balls.

http://33.media.tumblr.com/121f4ff0e7f19994252bbc5ed10cc9b2/tumblr_nqb8wqJM6m1sncaa3o1_400.gif

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

The pain in my balls
Maybe it will help if I listen to Lou Rawls
Oh, the burning of these….. balls.

http://33.media.tumblr.com/121f4ff0e7f19994252bbc5ed10cc9b2/tumblr_nqb8wqJM6m1sncaa3o1_400.gif

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Old School Zero

Balls do often come in pairs.

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Old School Zero

Fourth and one,
we’re down ten,
playoff chances on the line;
numbers say go,
step on the gas!
Hark! A punt!

So what do you say, Coach McCoy?
“Analytics aren’t my style,
I go with what the moment calls for;
I’m just doing what’s best for the team.”

Antonio Gates,
slower now
and double covered;
Ladarius Green is fresh and great,
sitting on the pine;
Overfloat to Gates.

So what do you say, Coach McCoy?
“We play with the best players we have,
I go with what the moment calls for;
I’m just doing what’s best for the team.”

Fifth string center,
Thank goodness for Dunlap,
guards can’t run block for shit;
2nd and 10,
run it up the center again;
30th in rushing in 2014.

So what do you say Coach McCoy?
“We have to establish the run,
I go with what the moment calls for;
I’m just doing what’s best for the team.”

Can’t say you’re inspiring,
or some genius at football,
but you’re not Norv,
and I guess that’s good enough.

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Covalent Blonde

If that’s not McCoy’s eulogy that’ll be a fucking shame! A thing of beauty,

0
King Hippo

I am far too stupid to write an actual poem, but after my first glass of wine, I imagined Gary Kubiak doing a 5-minute freestyle set at Def Poetry Jam, then dropping the mic. This made me giggle quite a bit.

Vicuprofen may also have been involved.

0
Cuntler

Meow meow meow meow
Meow meow meow meow
Meow meow meow meow
Meow meow meow meow

Meow meow meow meow
Meow meow meow meow
Meow meow meow meow
Meow meow meow meow

With Manning’s forehead, and Von Miller, a Super Bowl, Jon Fox could not deliver.
Ray McDonald was a sinner, and Cutler just wants a nap and dinner.
The play of the defense is a killer, the offense is like Purdue without Joe Tiller.
Cutler is obviously not a winner, John Fox better take his blood thinners.

Meow meow meow meow
Meow meow meow meow
Meow meow meow meow
Meow meow meow meow

Meow meow meow meow
Meow meow meow meow
Meow meow meow meow
Meow meow meow meow

0
montythisseemsstrangetome

Anyone else hear Homer Simpson singing the meows?

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makeitsnowondem

Working on one for tomorrow.

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montythisseemsstrangetome

He was with the Titans for a long time,
Some thought him good, some sublime.

His DC has too many GGGGGs,
And his defenders would take out your knees.

He keeps signing Cortland Finnegan,
Which I think is a sin again.

He has the same agent as Peter King,
To get that reference, kids, use Bing!

In the Super Bowl he was one yard short,
His son’s name is also Bort. (???????)

He’s on the Competition Committee,
He has whiskers like a kitty.

Of course I’m talking about Jeff Fisher’s mustache,
Which has left me with nothing but a rash.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

O Kaepernick, my Kaepernick…

[poem is intercepted]

0
sunrisesunrise

[P7ck s7x]

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Covalent Blonde

That’s good hustle!

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