I have threatened to do a post about Australian snack foods, and I am now prepared to carry out that threat. As football and snacks go hand in hand in America, so do they in Australia. However, both the football and the snacks are somewhat the same yet quite different, kind of like going back to your old house after the new people have moved in and put their shit everywhere.

Today I’ll focus on GOOD Australian snacks. I may do another post on BAD Australian snacks or one on other kinds of Australian food and drink.

First up is the one most of you probably know about – Tim Tams. If you’re lucky enough to have a Cost Plus World Market near you, they sometimes have Tim Tams in stock. These are the iconic Australian cookie (or biscuit, as they say here – the Aussies have failed to fight a war of independence against the British, and thus have to use all their stupid words). They consist of a rectangular sandwich cookie enrobed in chocolate. As an aside, I’m firmly of the opinion everything that can be enrobed should be enrobed. The filling is particularly delicious, and as opposed to the chalkiness of Oreo filling, is rich and dense. There are probably about 10 or 15 flavors, but I heartily recommend the chocolate orange and the red velvet. No discussion of Tim Tams is complete without explaining the preferred method of consumption, the Tim Tam Slam. To execute the Tim Tam Slam, bite off a bit at both ends of the cookie to expose the filling, and then use the cookie as a straw to suck your tea or coffee. The hot drink instantly melts the filling, treating your mouth to a delightful hit of flavored coffee. The key is to eat the cookie immediately afterwards, because it will maintain its structural integrity for about 2.2 seconds on a good day before dissolving into a goopy mess.

Cheezels are a truly superior Australian snack. They dust their American counterparts (in orange dust, naturally), Cheetos. In addition to having a ring shape that’s lots more fun, Cheezels actually taste like there was real cheese present at some point in their manufacture. REAL CHEESE. I need say no more.

Another ring-shaped Aussie snack is Burger Rings. These have the same texture and shape as Funyuns, but they taste like hamburgers. For real. I’m not sure that if you blindfolded me and fed me a Burger Ring without telling me what it was flavored like, I’d figure it out. However, when I know I can totally taste it, and it’s awesome.

I live in Adelaide, which is the state capital of South Australia. Frog Cakes are uniquely South Australian, and in 2001 were named a South Australian Heritage Icon. Nobody is really sure why frog-shaped foods are identified with South Australia, but the introduction of the frog cake in 1922 has also spawned frog chocolates made by South Australian chocolatier Haigh’s. Frog cakes are made with cube-shaped sponge cakes that have a dollop of buttercream icing to create the face, and are then enrobed (more enrobing!) in fondant and slashed to create the mouth. They’re simply delicious.

Red Rock Deli makes the best potato chips here. They’re very similar to Kettle Chips, and they have some crazy-ass flavors. My particular favorite goes by the rather unwieldy name of “Hunter Valley Roast Chicken, Lemon, & Thyme”. They’re like the Buttered Popcorn flavored Jelly Belly jellybeans; you compulsively eat them not just because they taste good, but because you continually marvel at the fact that they taste so remarkably like the thing they’re flavored with. In contrast to Burger Rings, you could blindfold me and feed me these chips, and I’d absolutely say, “this tastes like roast chicken with lemon and thyme.” It’s uncanny.

Last, and according to most of the population of Australia, most certainly least, we have Cadbury Dairy Milk Vegemite Bars. These are brand new, having only been released in May. They’re like Caramello bars, but with some kind of syrupy Vegemite flavored junk instead of caramel. The reaction, to be kind, has been underwhelming. People HATE these bars. I, on the other hand, kind of like them, and I’m not even a fan of Vegemite. I think they just have a nondescript umami-ish savory flavor. I like them for the same reason I like salted caramel.

This post is already far too long, so I’ll wrap it up. If you’ve made it all the way to the end, I may even send you a snack!