Dear Someone Who Just Watched Their First Football Game,

What do you think of the Jets’ surprising 2-0 start? Can Ryan Fitzpatrick lead this team to a playoff-type season?

SWJWTFFG: I heard the announcers mention that he went to Harvard, so I bet he’s smarter than the other quarterbacks. Does that guy’s beard make it harder to get his helmet on? I mean, that beard is so thick! He sure looks like a Harvard professor with that beard. New York City could really use a pick-me-up from their football team after that awful 9/11.  😥 

Dear Someone Who Just Watched Their First Football Game,

Why are the Raiders consistently the league leaders in penalties? Is it poor coaching, is it an overly aggressive style of play, is it an organizational approach to football?

SWJWTFFG: Those little yellow hankies are so cute! And the men throwing them look like zebras with those shirts on. Heh heh, zebras. In fact, I just watched a game with a WOMAN ZEBRA! Sally or Sarah or something. They should give her a pink hanky instead of a yellow one!

Dear Someone Who Just Watched Their First Football Game,

The Cowboys are 2-0 but they have lost Romo for a considerable amount of time. Are they still the favorites to win the NFC East?

SWJWTFFG: You’d think with all those pads on that those players couldn’t possibly get hurt. But I guess he did. I think it’s awesome that the Cowboys are America’s Team! Wooooo! That red-headed Cowboys’ coach went to Princeton, so I’m sure he’ll figure something out. Hey, they should try to get that bearded Harvard guy. Are all football people Ivy Leaguers?

Dear Someone Who Just Watched Their First Football Game,

The Packers seem to be the class of the NFC again. Can anyone stop them?

SWJWTFFG: Is it just me, or does Aaron Rodgers seem a little… you know. But those Packers’ fans seem like such nice Midwesterners.

Dear Someone Who Just Watched Their First Football Game,

What’s going to end up happening with Cousins and RGIII? Does Washington trade one of them? They can’t maintain this quarterback controversy all season, can they?

SWJWTFFG: Why are they the “[*Redacted] s”? Like, potatoes? Anyway, they said that the team owner has done really nice things for the Native American community, so I am really rooting for this team. Besides, they’re from our nation’s capital! U.S.A.! U.S.A.!

Dear Someone Who Just Watched Their First Football Game,

The Houston Texans have played a couple close games, but have no wins to show for it yet. Can J.J. Watt put this team on his back and will them to victory?

SWJWTFFG: Are you kidding me? What the fuck do I care about the Texans?

Someone Who Just Watched Their First Football Game is a nationally syndicated columnist who just watched their first football game.